BeehiveHairdresser.com

Scene:  Friday morning at 9AM.  I’m sitting in my cube, and two of my coworkers that sit across from me just came in with their breakfast.*  

Female Coworker:  Oooh I got my stimulus money.  Did you get yours?

Beehive:  Nope.

Male Coworker:  Oooh I’m gonna check.

Female Coworker:  I didn’t get all the money that I was supposed to get for my kids.**

MC:  Yes!!  I got my stimulus money too.   This is great!  Plus I already paid off the first half of the months bills and there’s an extra paycheck this money because of the 5th week!  This is month is sweet for money!

Male Coworker then went to take a bite out of his egg sandwich.

MC:  Uuuhhh…?  Uh oh…

I turned and saw Male Coworker with a worried look on his face while sticking fingers into his mouth.

Beehive:  What’s wrong?

MC:  I think I just lost a crown….

Male Coworker indeed lost a crown.  The one on his front upper tooth - GONE!  I had to hide my giggles because it really isn’t funny having lost a crown or having to shell out hundreds of dollars on a new one…and at the same time to go from yes, I’m in the money to having it gone was ever so humorous.

He looked liked he had just been in a fight with a biker gang while sounding like Peter Brady.  Sadly, it was bye bye stimulus for him on Friday. 

**I’ve noticed a bunch of people didn’t get the full amount promised to them in the news, where is that money going? 

*Okay, so if any coworkers are reading this, I’m not making fun, however we all have to admit that it was an amusing, sad, and ironic thing that happened, right?

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Jenna Bush is marrying some dude that has a striking resemblance to her father.

I highly doubt that it will be a white wedding…and highly suspect that she takes it up the bum - HOT!

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Over the weekend there was some early morning rain over in my neighborhood.  By the time I woke up it was over, gone, and the sun was still hiding behind the clouds.  Everything had some form of dew on it, leaving most flying insects hanging around waiting for their wings to dry off to fly once again. 

That’s how I found these two flies…

They were staying as still as still could be, not flinching with the flash, and just hanging out on the wooden trellis - TOTAL COOLNESS!!!

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I think that I just saved myself $47…

Cause $47 is the price of an e-book that helps you to stop masturbating…

Go figure.

I hope that it’s along the lines of the high priced NYC guy who gets people to stop smoking. 

He’s the guy that you make an appointment with, are told to wait in a room by yourself for his arrival.  Then you just sit there for hours waiting for him to come in, but you’ve already paid a lot of money for him so you don’t leave. 

Then, after hours of sitting in the room waiting he comes in, yells in your face “STOP SMOKING!!!” and walks out.

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So I’ve been clean and sober for 10 full days!!!  How exciting!

By clean and sober I mean completely and utterly abiding to my vow of celibacy. 

These 10 days are probably the longest amount of time that I’ve held it all in me in a number of years, and as you can imagine, I’m learning a lot about me and this whole celibacy thing.

For starters, it’s much easier than I thought it would be to not give into temptations - hopefully this weekend won’t get the best of me. 

Secondly, being celibate cold turkey falls along the lines of quitting coffee or cigarettes - the sudden change can cause frustration and a short fuse. 

On Wednesday I had a very short fuse, and was cussing like a sailor at work.  Then yesterday I was on the road to cussing again, a coworker made a comment of how I “sure do cuss a lot”.  So I refrained from the standard cusses, and changed my cussing up to be not so straight to the point…

• Skata na fas!
• (fist bumped together)
• Up yer buddy with a meat hook!

This change was warmly welcomed and laughed at.

Lastly, my ween is sort of turning into an adult version of an eight year olds ween.  No, it isn’t shrinking - it’s more of…how can I say this delicately…losing my aim control. 

Most young boys have downright awful control when it coming to going number 1.  Even though they are holding the ween, the ween’s line of sight is blind and antsy at best.  It wants to flow left, then right, then down to the left, then far right - you can’t control it, and pee ends up going everywhere within a foot and a half radius of the bowl, leaving much cleanup after each trip to the restroom.

While it was entertaining the first couple of trips to the bathroom, I hope that this is just a phase of muscles just relearning what it is like to pee without steady ya know internal muscles getting routine use. 

These three things sure do make me sound as though I’m being the perfect Catholic boy.

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I recently found myself in an electronics store looking at all of the fancy new television sets available.  They look crisp, and are plentiful with big screens.  I’ve always wanted a big screen television, but never wanted to part with so much money for a television when I already in fact have two television sets that while aren’t so big, certainly work just fine.

Then I came across this LG 50 inch plasma television…

It was on sale for $1,500. 

I was floored at the price because I thought big plasma screens were all $3,000 and up.  I did a little bit of digging around and found that I would be able to buy one from a major dealer at an even cheaper price of $1,100…WOW!

(Screw the starving peoples of the world)

(Forget wanting to buy into my Second Amendment rights)

(Hell to the no, I’m not giving you money for cancer research)

I NEED THAT HUGE TELEVISION!!!

Seriously, I’d love to have it in sitting in my living room, seeing as how at 50 inches it is the smallest sized television that true HD comes in, as well as seeing as how plasma is best viewed from my couch by me at my place.

At the same time, I just can’t see how parting with $1,100 plus tax (more like $1,300 total) on a television set when I already have working ones - how would that be a good idea?

Given this, say one of my television sets break, a new tv might do the trick, but I don’t want my tvs to break.  They’ve always been good to me and I to them.  I see the the three of us sitting on a porch overlooking the ocean when I retire in 40 years. 

So, seeing as how I’m in a pickle of not being so lacking in frugality as to just outright buy the television, and how I want to retire with my television sets, I can only hope and pray to the google adsense gods that they find my site, and know exactly what my readers want to see advertised to them (butt paste).

It’s up to you, google.  Look through your databases and figure out what my readers want to be sold on…

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Happy 64th Birthday Gary Glitter!

From all of us here at BeehiveHairdresser, we hope that your birthday celebration in a Vietnamese prison for child sexual abuse is as bad and awful for you as we can possibly imagine it is.

Cheers mate!

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It sure as heck looks as though CNN has put the ‘quotes’ on the wrong word in this article about some moron Jason Castro.

See, where they wrote Dreadlocked heartthrob voted off ‘Idol’  they should have written, Dreadlocked ‘heartthrob’ voted off Idol. 

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While I was in the pharmacy I got so distracted by this box of Butt Paste that I completely forgot to buy the Claritin D that I needed.

It’s really nothing more than an odd name for zinc oxide, marked up with a head turning name.

Zinc Oxide Executive:  How can I possibly sell more zinc oxide?  Everyone who knows about it already buys it.  How can I reach those who have never heard of it?

Advertising Executive:  Well…what if we call it Butt Cream?

ZOE:  I like it, but I think that the oxide is more of a paste rather than cream.

AE:  How about we call it Butt Paste instead?

ZOE:  Carl, you’re a genius!*

So yeah, thanks to Carl I’ll have to walk through another day at work feeling as though I’m going to cry and sneeze all at the same time do to all the spring time allergens in the air. 

*The funny really came together for me finding out the the advertising executive was named Carl.

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It sure as heck doesn’t look good in the world of Hillary Clinton for President at present moment. 

Why hasn’t the news just all over the fact that she appeared as though she was going to break down as she began to speak last night?  They jump all over everything else that she’s done and didn’t do, why stop now?

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This morning I stood in the doorway of the D train as it went over the Manhattan Bridge, I happened to look to my right and spotted a woman with her finger digging for gold up her nose. 

(photo: Keaner)

I watched in disgust as she pulled out a lime green nugget, rolled it into a ball and began to try and flick it off of her fingertip.  She flicked, and flicked, and flicked - and couldn’t get the lime green nugget off.  Then she raised her hand and dropped it down really fast in hopes of helping gravity pull the lime green nugget off - this too did not work.

She then proceeded to switch between the flicks and the hand drops and began to get visibly annoyed by her picked snot.  She then peeled it off of her index fingertip and had it on the tip of her thumbnail.  Once again she tried the raise hand and drop it down fast and hard hoping that it would fall off.  Yet again this did not work.

My emotion went from disgust to utter joy from the amusement of watching the disgusting human being be stuck with her nasty lime green nugget ball on her fingers AND being annoyed by it not leaving her body. 

Eventually she was able to flick it up and off of her fingers…

Into the air it flew to the right of her, and onto the lap of the young woman who wasn’t paying attention to what was going on in front of her.  Nobody said a thing, and I’ll give you one guess as to who the public nose picking vandal was…

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Every Friday the pizza area of the subpar Aramark cafeteria inside my office building has some form of roll.  Now, because my office is in the wasteland of Long Island City (good luck with those “affordable” “luxury” condos to be built atop toxic industrial dirt) there really is only a few options of food, and something that is a 3 of 10 someplace else might be an 8 or 9 out of 10 here. 

For the past however many Friday’s I’ve enjoyed it when they have Taco Rolletto’s being served.  They don’t have them every Friday, and this is one of those 3’s that have become a 9. 

This past Friday I was excited that it was on the menu.  When I got to the pizza area I had this conversation….

Beehive:  Excuse me, what’s the roll?

Pizza Guy:  We had tacos on Monday.

Beehive:  Soooo it’s a Taco Rolletto?

Pizza Guy:  WE.  HAD.  TACOS.  ON.  MONDAY!

Beehive:  So this is the leftovers from five days ago?

Pizza Guy:  Yes it is.

Beehive:  Ew…I’ll have that (probably old) vegetable personal pie.

So yeah, apparently all of the rolls are little more than five days old former dishes. 

Indeed, there are zero places of food value to eat near my office building.  Other than the view of Manhattan, there is absolutely nothing of value to the location of my office building. 

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Yesterday in the mail I received my high school alumni newsletter.  In it they had most of the usual, so and so got engaged, married, died - I’ve yet to read of a death in my class, and I don’t want to be the first one to go.

I’m always amused by who writes in and wants everyone on the newsletter list to know what they’re up to.  Maybe I should write in and tell them about BeehiveHairdresser?  Anyway, point being is what other feel is such a great accomplishment that they want to brag about it.   

My hat always goes off to the guys getting into or graduating from the Naval Academy or West Point, and coming back safe from Iraq and Afghanistan.  To me, those are accomplishments to be proud of for an individual.  Other alumni are proud of their making a new movie - seriously, like for real, actual director of a movie with actual big names - something quite brag worry. 

Then there’s the guy who graduated in 1988, and his big accomplishment is that he recently had a lunch with Jim Belushi. 

LUNCH WITH JIM BELUSHI!!!

Yes indeed, sadly, this guys biggest life accomplishment that he felt so compelled to write in and tell everyone about was his having lunch with a comic who is famous because his older brother was a better comic and died. 

Part of me wants to break my fellow alumni chops by calling in some big favors to arrange to have a lunch with me, Chevy Chase, Tom Hanks, and Jerry Seinfeld and send the photo in.  THAT would make the 1988 alumnus jaw hit the ground.

Shock and awe, baby.

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This is the person that is supposed to represent me in the House of Representatives…

His name is Vito Fossella, and the above photo is his mugshot.  Besides being a George Bush lachey he is useless, and I have no idea what he does and or what he has done for me or my district -he’s been THAT useless.

Despite having a full plate of a whole lot of nothing, Fossella managed to find himself driving behind the wheel in Virginia with a blood alcohol level of 0.17 - more than twice the legal limit. 

That’s a heck of alot fo booze to be in someones bloodstream.  Even if his body can tolerate such a high amount of alcohol, what the heck is a member of Congress doing drinking so much that 0.17 blood alcohol is a normal thing that it doesn’t have an effect on him. 

Even though he was reckless near to the point of accidental homicide I don’t doubt that Fossella will still be reelected - sadly…

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It’s days and weeks like this one, when the ocean decides to up and kill people like it did in Myanmar and South Korea that makes me worry far more than I should.

See, I have a fear of drowning, and despite my better judgement, still allow myself to fret and worry over it far more than I should.

When I’m at the beach and see the waves rise up out of the water, and keep on rising before crashing I always think that “this is the one” that decides to be that one rouge wave that takes me.

When I’m underground in the subway I worry about the tunnels flooding, water rushing in, and me getting stuck on the train or in a stairwell.

When I’m on the train going over the East River on the Manhattan Bridge I worry that the bridge will fall down and I’ll end up in a crowded train drowned.

When I’m home, I worry that a tsunami will occur with a 200 foot high wave that will flood all of my area. 

Yeah, I worry too much, but reading the news and learning that all of these fears actually do take place on very rare times sure does feed into the fear. 

I’m neurotic.  Hold me…

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