BeehiveHairdresser.com

For Immediate Release!

The National Weather Center has issued a warning on Monday morning in response to the heat wave, stating that New York City is on a “Smells Like Chinatown Everywhere Watch” and it is expected to last throughout the entire week. This new warning supercedes the “Hot As Balls Watch”, which the city has been under thus far all summer long.

In response to the “Smells Like Chinatown Everywhere Watch” the city has opened cooling centers, which filter the air to a non stinky state, ordered all garbage must be picked up immediately, and the immediate and mandatory warning that everyone must abide by the shower twice a day rule. Mayor Bloomberg informed me that Police Commissioner Ray Kelly assured him that the 30,000 uniformed New York Police Officers are ready to enforce this rule by any means necessary. The Mayor also assured us that the FDNY are on standby with their hoses full, awaiting word of when to spray the masses of B.O. filled swarms of people.

Things are so bad in the city that a West Village woman who wished to only be reported as “Gloria” informed us that her block smelled like a ten day old dead cat, drunk people vomit from bridge and tunnel folk, which she believes was most likely spewed early on Saturday morning about 3am, mixed in with really old people. It should be noted that “Gloria” lives just two blocks from a Senior Citizens Home.

Remember; if you smell something say something!

Growing Up In Brooklyn

A childhood friend of mine took the Bar Exam yesterday, and I happened to run into him on the corner last night. He said he burst out laughing in the middle of the exam, which as he described it as being the most important moment of his life so far. He said he had read a question involving a couple getting caught pulling off a charity scam when he had a memory that he hadn’t thought of for 10 years pop into his head. He asked if I knew what it could have been? My response was, you must have thought about when we were about 6 or 7 and would pretend to be blind and in need of money. I was dead on right. I can’t remember the last time I thought of those blind charity scams we did.

This is how we came up with the idea. See, we lived a few blocks away from the Century 21 department store, on busy 86th Street in Brooklyn, and in the mid 1980s there were all kinds of beggars, and pretzel vendors out of a supermarket wagon type of folk. One beggar in particular was a blind guy, who was either a dwarf or had his legs completely removed or really tiny baby legs, and he had his big can for donations, and sit in his wheelchair screaming, “Please won’t someone help find my mommy!” And he screamed it in a slightly higher than normal pitch yet all nasally about it at the same time. He pronounced it with lots of ups and downs in his vocal range too. The site of this guy in my head, with his voice still puts a grin on my face as I write this now. For some reason I always thought he couldn’t find his mommy simply because he was blind, and that he obviously needed money since he had no mommy - or that he needed money to at least cure his blindness.

We were 6 or 7 and we were genius about it. We would set up shop in front of my friends’ house; we had a table and two chairs. Then the one of us (usually me) would pretend to be completely blind. I would do this by closing my eyes as tight as I could when someone was walking up the block, close to the house, and stating to everyone that passed, I’m blind and cannot see a think. My friend would run after the people with his hand out begging for a donation to help me see. As if money alone would help us see, or that a blind person couldn’t have been able to do anything in society other than beg for money. I have since realized otherwise, but as a little kid I didn’t see everything in full view, I only saw part of things, and would piece together small pieces into something that wasn’t fully accurate. Once a woman walked past up and didn’t give us a donation, and then a few minutes later came back to yell at us, and that being blind is no joke. Being blind is no joke, but how two young children get the idea to form a charity scam involving the pretense of them being blind, hysterical.

Californians

My cube sits outside of a corner office that is used by a guy from California. The sight of this man today has made me remember that most people from California are complete douche bag idiots in one form or another.

*** I realize that there are plenty of douche bag idiots from all over, but Californians at are the top of the list with me.

1- My high school senior trip was the first time that I remember getting the full on retardation of people that lived in California. I met a bunch of people from both Northern and Southern California. The people from up north being bigger douche bags than the southerners. My friends and I would walk around making fun of these northerners by saying “hey, I’m from California, from like uhhh, the north.” People would turn around and be like, “really? Me too!” At which point we would tell them that we were from New York and that we were really just making fun of some of the people we had come across. At this point in time I was under the impression that it was just a select few that were completely retarded. That trip also let me to meet some very good, and friendly Californian girls, but they too weren’t the brightest. While walking to go grab some dinner with them one, we decided to jaywalk, we all did it except for one blonde one and my friend Boz. A Delorean didn’t break in time and ended up hitting the girl. She was able to walk away from it, but was limping pretty badly. We immediately ran over to see how badly she was hurt, and like an idiot she just got up and refused the man who hit her with his cars request that he call for help, and even his basic info in case she wasn’t alright afterwards.
2- The entire office that works in my current department in Sacramento. All brain dead people. For some of the following reasons, they are always “busy and overworked” yet don’t produce much results in any shape or form. They will order one pen at a time. One. With shipping costs that ends up costing the company about $30.00 minimum after all the shipping costs, surcharges, etc. The guy named Don who wears Hawaiian shirts to work everyday, the same man who goes fishing every day that he can during his one hour lunch break. The same man who sits in a live videoconference room (that is on and feeding around the country) and sings to himself as if no one is watching and laughing at his being so naïve about cameras and microphones. The obese admin out there who tends to fall asleep during monthly video conferences. The woman named Robin “I can my last name every month cause I get married so much”, who calls me up to ask how to do the most basic functions of her job, walk her through it over the phone and yet still not know how it is done.
3- The senior trade supervisors in California who do will Cc thousands of people, literally thousands so that they might look as though they are a genius by thinking up such a ridiculous question one question of which they should already have known after being in the same business for 20something years.
4- The mid level manager guy in California who didn’t do his job correctly and emailed me with the questions “How could this happen? How do we prevent this from happening again?” who Cc’d his manager and mine as well. Turns out the company would prevent all that from happening again by firing said complete idiot of a manager. Go figure.
5- The people from the outside vendor that is based in California. Who built an entire system backwards. Literally backwards. Instead of one person per group seeing all the people that report to them for email supervision, they built it so that everyone can see only the top persons highly confidential email. The same company who after repeatedly being on conference calls to try and fix said problem, called me up and tried to rip me a new butthole by yelling and cursing, to which I replied you had X, Y, & Z of your employees on the conference calls, and said they would fix it. Their response, “Oh, well, I didn’t realize this.”
6- They are all about putting big water features into a small spaced garden. They also like to put doors that lead to nowhere inside a garden.
7- The guy who sits in the corner office across from my cube, who just walks and looks like the stereotypical white guy that all black people make fun of. It’s pretty hard to actually be THAT guy.

I could go on with this at further length, if I didn’t need to go take a dump. I would also like to acknowledge that there are some very good, kind, and smart individuals that I have come across; but I’d rather not bore myself with them at present moment.

New Work Day

Today is my first full 9-5-work day at the new/old job. I haven’t done anything today, but that is based off of nobody working yesterday, HR canceling my internal personnel number, which cancelled all my desktop applications. Thankfully I am able to log in under someone else’s log ID and am able to surf the web, instead of doing day to day work of being a glorified data entry person. Just now as I wrote this, someone came over to give me a stack of paperwork that needed to get done “ASAP”. It’s a backlog of crappy paperwork, and I need copies of paperwork from the field, which should have submitted everything at once instead of in dribble. I can call each person and request the paperwork, but my not being in any system as working here, I will find this task daunting, and not worth a try. So, I shall continue my writing.

Last night I received a phone call stating that the building would be open today, but to dress “comfortable” because the air conditioning will probably not be working. I wore jeans, and a comfy shirt to work today, only to get here and see 90% of the people wearing their normal “business casual”. Business casual is very casual here to begin with, with many of the females on the floor walking around in flip flops, men in polo type shirts and khakis, while some of the males pretend to be important with shirts and ties. I usually go for the polo type shirt, with Banana Republic slacks that feel great, stand up well between dry cleaning, and make my butt look awesome. Besides myself the only other people who dressed “comfortable” were the females who already dress way to comfy everyday when they wear flip flops came in today ready for the beach.

This morning there was a big thunderstorm in Queens, and with my being on the 24th floor I get a great view of a storm. From up here you can see the clouds beginning to gather, and then lightning far away, then closer, then hitting across the street. You can see the rain swerving in sheets left and right on the way down, and I even spotted hail flying upwards from the ground.

Now I am left here with a pile of about 100 pages of work to do, but am not going to attempt to try until my email is up and running…bored, and hoping that at least one of the Mega Millions tickets that I bought a couple of weeks ago and didn’t check yet won at least 300k so that I don’t have to work for a few years.

I’m finding it odd that the power is back on in this building when there are thousands of people without power in the rest of Queens. Oh well, and on the bright side a woman in my department came back from Florida, and gave me a shot glass with chocolates inside it. Yummy, and I smell vodka needing to be poured into it. Glug Glug.

I’m going to go write a separate post about why people from California aren’t the best.

New Job

This week I began a new old job. I started temping in the department that I used to work in full time. I began there as a temp, was hired full time, and loved by everyone. Seriously I was. They are treating me well, letting me make my own hours, give me some work but not too much cause I am a temp, let me goof off, and much more importantly allow themselves to be good people themselves in the office. Lots of joking around, makes the day go by quicker.

At present moment I am in a cube that has three neighbors, two of which are loud people in every way of themselves, and the other is a very quiet individual. All are women, post “change”, if that matters to you. Even though I am not involved in their loud conversations, I still enjoy it. I don’t pay full attention to them, but I appreciate the backround noise. Kind of like the planes that fly overhead in Brooklyn on the way to land at LaGuardia airport. If it’s not there, I just don’t feel right. From my seat I can see northern Queens through the glass of the corner office that I sit outside of, and can watch LaGuardia planes take off and land if I feel like standing up next to my cube.

Everyone welcomed me back, and there are lots of new people whose names I will most likely continue to forget. It’s one of my biggest faults, remembering names. I even blanked on quite noticable my girlfriends name on Sunday morning. Oh well, my apologies Ms. Cheese.

Yesterday was a little annoying at work, but only cause I now work in Long Island City, there were ConEd power issues going on in Queens, and the building couldn’t fully utilize the air conditioning, or run more than two elevators per bank. Luckily it was after I left that the entire building had to be evacuated due to an impending brownout. Then this morning while I was getting before work, I saw that little old me had three new voicemails. One mwas Ms. Cheese, and the other two were people that I report to, they said the entire building is without power, and to enjoy the free day off from work. No work makes me happy, even though going there for four hours isn’t really bad at all.

This week I also started going to a formal U.S. college. I have 38 Canadian college credits, so after eight years of non U.S. education, I returned. It’s a US history class, covering colonization through the Civil War. Even though most people say I look young, and most of the time still think of myself internally as being a 12 year old, I looked at my classmates and felt old, except compared to the two much older women, but most of the college kids look so young. I mean babyfat young. They still have babyfat! Schooling seems easy now that I am finally able to pay attention in class, this all caused by my lack of complete boredom of class.