For Immediate Release!

The National Weather Center has issued a warning on Monday morning in response to the heat wave, stating that New York City is on a “Smells Like Chinatown Everywhere Watch” and it is expected to last throughout the entire week. This new warning supercedes the “Hot As Balls Watch”, which the city has been under thus far all summer long.

In response to the “Smells Like Chinatown Everywhere Watch” the city has opened cooling centers, which filter the air to a non stinky state, ordered all garbage must be picked up immediately, and the immediate and mandatory warning that everyone must abide by the shower twice a day rule. Mayor Bloomberg informed me that Police Commissioner Ray Kelly assured him that the 30,000 uniformed New York Police Officers are ready to enforce this rule by any means necessary. The Mayor also assured us that the FDNY are on standby with their hoses full, awaiting word of when to spray the masses of B.O. filled swarms of people.

Things are so bad in the city that a West Village woman who wished to only be reported as “Gloria” informed us that her block smelled like a ten day old dead cat, drunk people vomit from bridge and tunnel folk, which she believes was most likely spewed early on Saturday morning about 3am, mixed in with really old people. It should be noted that “Gloria” lives just two blocks from a Senior Citizens Home.

Remember; if you smell something say something!