Open Letters To People Who Will Most Likely Never Read This Blog

To The Brenda Who Sits In The Cube Next To Mine,

I know that it’s your name and all, but could you please stop butchering it. It is pronounced Brenda, with an “A” at the end. I know for a fact that it not pronounced “Brender” as you so often like to say.

Also, please note that it is also pronounced “access” not “ascess”.

If I had the gall to tell you these slight differences in speech about two hours ago when you were on the never ending 800 number calls to try and get your “ascess” restored, I’m sure I wouldn’t have felt the need to write this blog, and it most certainly would have prevented me from rolling my eyes every few moments for two hours when you so loudly repeated “This is Brender, and I’m trying to get my ascess restored”.

Note to self, next time say something to nip it in the bud.

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Note To Theresa Who Works On My Floor,

Both KG and I used to work in the cubes next to you, and I hope that you read this in order to find out that the southernmost state in the continental United Sates is pronounced Florida, and not as you seem to think Florider. Get on top of that one, huh?

Btw Theresa, KG informed me of how you always break the unwritten office bathroom rule of sitting in the stall next to the occupied one, and DO NOT USE THE SANITARY GUARD! That is just gross. On top of that KG also informed me that you do you usual moans in the stall as well. I thought that those moans were inappropriate enough when I sat next to you while we were at desks. I definitely do not want to know what you were up to in those stalls. And yes, I laughed very hard and loud upon hearing this of you Theresa.

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Note To My Subconscious Self,

My conscious self awoke to you singing twice in the middle of the night and again when the alarm went off this morning.

You were singing…

I’m so sleepy,
I am sleeping.
I’m so sleepy,
I am sleeping.
(Over and over)

While I find it highly amusing that this was the form in which you kept yourself partially occupied last night, I am saddened that you didn’t fully go through the thought process to having Rob Thomas wanting to grab my ass while I walked down the street after picking something up from my car, while at the same time having me wonder if this was how he seduced Tom Cruise. This too amused me, but please, next time think of some chick, any chick that is not related to me, please.

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Note To Jim, Whose Sits In The Office Near My Cube,

I no longer think that the office affair in which you are having is with Risa, I am now led to believe that it is with Alice.

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Note To Alice,

Good for you shagging it up with Jim. He’s a good 15 years you’re younger. Keep up the good work.

Also, please realize that when you are talking about me, and saying “beehivehairdresser hasn’t worked here for some time now.” Realize that someone didn’t just slap the nameplate up on the cube wall, and pretend that they are I, and that I am in fact still that person, and that I can hear everything you say when you are talking in my doorway, especially when you are saying my name in conversation. It just gets my hearing to bring more attention to you.

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Note To Risa,

My apologies for thinking you were having an affair with Jim.

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Note To The Newly Divorced Blair,

I commend you on finally going through with a divorce from the wife, which you seemed to have wanted for the last 4 years. However, I must inform you that the ring tone on your cell phone, which is some cheesy club song from 1991, is unbecoming to a newly single man such as yourself.

Regards,
Beehivehairdresser