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Snip-Its Of Conversation With My 86 Year Old Grandmother Yesterday

Grandma: Look at this photo, see the reason I asked if your new girlfriend was black was because my niece’s son left his long time fiancee and married a (blacker than black) woman that he met while in Africa.

—–

While Jeopardy is on the TV.

Grandma: You know all Asian people used to be really smart. It’s not like that anymore, some of them aren’t that smart now.

I honestly just cackled and laughed really loud after she said that one.

Cut to: The Asian guy on Jeopardy has the lead by about $10,000.

Grandma: This guy is one of the smart ones.

—–

Grandma: They say Anna Nicole Smith’s son died of a drug overdose, isn’t that awful.

I sat there in astonishment that my grandmother would know such irrelevant pieces of naughty gossip.

That Damned D Train…

Yesterday evening on the way to my grandmother’s place I was in a car of the D train that I would normally not ride in. It was an overly crowded ride and I was crushed up against the door. While the train was going over the Manhattan Bridge the college aged woman who was standing closest to me, and whose face was a mere five inches from my face sneezed, big time. She was polite enough to make an attempt to cover her mouth and nose, and made it all the way in her mind I’m sure, and in reality her only cupped her hand about two inches away from her mouth. The effect of her sneeze was that it bounced off of her hand and onto my face!!!

Eww. Eww. Eww.

While I do not yet have a full fledged case germphobia, I am most likely halfway there. The item of this experience that grossed me out the most was a piece of her sneeze that landed on the right side of my bottom lip. It landed on my bottom lip!

Thankfully I had my mouth closed and nothing went inside, and in the instant of her sneeze and the mucus or whatever it was that came out of her head landing lip I flinched back against the door, raised my arm over my face, wiped off my mouth into my shoulder, and said, “disgusting”.

That one word was said under my breath, and with her head being only five inches from mine definitely heard it. She turned to me and apologized with a very innocent, “I’m sorry.” Then proceeded to hold her head down out of what appeared to be shame or embarrassment.

In my head I knew the whole thing was an accident, yet I didn’t say another word; I did not clearly accept her apology with any verbal sound or physical motion. I just stood there with a sour puss on my face, desiring to be home, to be in my bathroom with my face in the sink and my hands scrubbing the sneeze off my face.

At Pacific Street some people got off the train, and the girl moved in more. She was now a few feet away, and kept her head down. I felt kind of bad, and the desire to belatedly accept her apology from a few minutes prior, and yet I couldn’t do that.

So this goes out to you Ms. Sneezer. I’m sorry for not accepting your apology yesterday, I now accept your apology, and I hope that you never sneeze on someone again just as much as I hope that I am never ever sneezed on again.

Regards,
Beehive

Open Letters To People That Will Most Likely Never Read Them

To The Woman Wearing The Ugly Green Skirt

I must start by letting you know that my shoulder is not a good place for you to park your butt. I realize that the D train was crowded yesterday during the rush home, that I was sitting in the seat closest to the door, and that you were standing in the doorway. I do not recall when I must have given you the okay to use my shoulder as a seat. See, I was resting my eyes when you put your butt and ugly green skirt on my shoulder.

It kind of took me by surprise, and lucky for you that I did not give you a hard elbow to remove your butt and ugly skirt assault on my shoulder. The only thing I did was sit more upright, which apparently pissed you off. See the thing is that I did not know that I should have informed you first that I wanted to sit more upright, let alone sit without your butt on me, or have that ugly green skirt touching me.

My bad.
-Beehive

———-

To The Guy Who Had On A Fresh Coat Of Just For Men This Morning,

You seriously looked very creepy. Seriously, you did. You cannot blame your looks this morning on the dull subway lighting. I’m sure that you walked into your job this morning all bright eyed and smiling that all your grays are finally covered up, and that you got confused from all the wide eyed stares all of your coworkers gave you from the beams of “light sandy blonde” hair you now have. The Just for Mean box comes with directions, just like soap, only unlike soap, which does not need directions for proper use, Just for Men does. If you read and follow those directions before your next application, I’m sure you just might come out from under that towel not looking like you are wearing a dozen hamster skin furs on your head like you did this morning. This hamster skin fur is not a becoming look on many people, especially you sir.

Regards,
A Concerned Citizen

———-

To The Guy Who Sat Next To Me On The R Train This Morning,

There were two open seats to my left. I know there was to because I know how to count, which leads me to my point of, which is that you did not have to sit directly next to me when you clearly could have sat two seat over. If you sat in that far left seat we both would have had room, and I most likely would not have been able to smell your gross body odor.

I highly suspect that you were able to smell my good scent through your bad smelling B.O. due to the fact that your nose was used to your awful smells. You took in my delicious April Fresh Downy scent, unscented soap cleaned skin, and Dove Deodorant scents. You may have thought that simply smelling clean the scent of another human being would somehow make you clean or make you smell better. Let me assure you that this technique does not work. Actual bathes, and or showers are necessary to get the clean scent that all who passes through your B.O. so desperately with you had done.

One last thing, a shower and or bath does not carry over from the day before, or in your case, a couple of Thursdays ago.

Regards,
Beehive

Remember The Big Wheel?

I do, and I’ve been craving the ride of the big wheel for the past few years, always wondering if they make adult versions of them.

Today the big wheel came up in conversation, and I was determined to go through google until my eyes bled. A few pages in and there it was, a link to a place that sells the adult sized big wheel.
According to their website they are all out, and I’m thinking it’s a ploy to keep their price high - $350. Ouch, and it just may be worth it.

Update: I need this link for later.

UGGH!!! NOOO!!!!! I SHOULD HAVE CHECKED MY PERSONAL EMAIL THIS MORNING!

It’s 7:30PM and I just checked my email. This message below was in my inbox from MTV, it got there at 1:40AM. Damn, I could kick myself for missing this. It was a listening thing for “Sam’s Town”, which of course is the new album from the Killers. I probably would have been able to get the new album. DOH!

Here is the original message…

You are invited plus 1 guest
you need to let me know asap if you will be coming!!
IT IS TODAY TUESDAY 9/26 AT 6:30 PM
45th st & broadway check in

IT IS A LISTENING PARTY for the new CD…no performance & they will not be there
but we will be interviewing the fans & giving stuff away!!

ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS THIS
reply with your name & phone & your guest name
let us know that you will be there %100

Once you do this
you will be on our VIP list

Today At Lunchtime…

I was waiting for the down elevators, and while I was waiting a coworker named Ray came up. As he passed he invited me to eat with him, and some others in the large conference room. I picked up my food, and headed up to the large conference room.

It was Ray, SS & KG. SS & KG are both women in their mid 20s, while Ray is in his early 30s. All of them VERY SINGLE. Before long the conversation got onto porno magazines. That was when I decided that I would keep my mouth shut. I don’t need to let them know what internet site is my favorite one, plus who buys porno mags nowadays?

KG does!

When KG was in Germany, she picked some up for Ray. Okay, I found that odd too.

Ray went on and on and on about how he is into porn, and his love for the movie “Showgirls.” Then proceeded to talk about being in various whorehouses across the globe. Particularly one he was in only a few weeks backs while in Japan. You walked down a flight of stairs, and then the ceiling was glass, and all the women wore skirts. People chose the women based off of the view from below, the deal would be done for 500 dollars, American.

Some days I learn way too much about my otherwise “normal” coworkers.

Lessons Learned The Hard Way…

When I run out of Brillo pads with the soap already on the pad do not dare try and clean the frying pan with a Brillo pad that has no soap, and definitely do not try to get soap on it by brushing it into the bottom of the box where all the leftover soap is. This is only allowed the steel wool to pierce my sensitive skin. Thereby wounding my middle finger.

Do not think that you still remember how to make hard-boiled eggs. Just because you can make some really delicious meals from scratch does not mean that the memory still works for one of the simplest dishes around. Semi hard boiled eggs are not fun to wake up to eat when you’re starving.

Lessons learned…

Beehive is unveiled to the world.

Let us take a moment to laugh amongst ourselves knowing that we sold MO last week, cause it got killed today. KILLED!

Reminds me of the day after I bought it a few years back, when it dropped nearly 10% that day. While today is a lesser percentage drop, it would have hurt the bottom dollar value more.

Screw you MO!

Woo Hoo!

In Case You Ever Wondered What Men Do On Their Man Dates

Here you go…

Man Dates

As you can see, they enjoy man on man hugs, and lots of them at that!
Wearing things that they purchased at the Staten Island Mall.
Hanging around with nametags on.
Smile creepily while “posing” way too close together with each other.
Allow one to three women they don’t know to get a trophy in exchange for hanging around them.
As well as giving each other lots of BIG TROPHIES!

Oddly enough I googled a kid that I went to high school with who had the nickname of “Rat” due to his likeness to the rodent. He’s not pictured.

Regards,
Beehive

P.S. As you can tell, I really really don’t want to do the tasks at hand at work today.

How Good Is A Walrus’ Memory?

I sure as heck don’t know, and each time I go to the New York Aquarium I always wonder. Two Sundays ago I went with the Cheese, and as we stood in the cave at the glass I wondered, was Wylie the Walrus saying, “Hey everyone, there’s Beehive!” Did Wanda the Walrus shout “OMG! Beehive looks great with that buzzed hairdo!” Did Willie the Walrus say, “Long time no see Beehive?” Did the Walrus that has no name wonder, “Why didn’t Beehive ever give me a name?”

I do not know the answer to these burning questions, and yet I still cannot get them out of my mind. Walrus’ are big, and appear to be the Elephants of the ocean. Elephants reportedly have great memory. Why wouldn’t Walrus’ have great memories too?

I like to think that they remember me, since they always swim up to the windows, look inside the cave at the people look in at them, I’ve even had times where one Walrus in particular has stayed at the same window looking at me for minutes on end. They have to have some good brain function and memory, only I’m not certain for sure.

I did some hardcore research, yes I did; I spent about four minutes scrolling through the first two pages of google results, only to find out that scientists don’t want to disclose what they think a Walrus’ memory is. It’s almost as if scientists do know or maybe don’t care what the memory of a Walrus is. Sounds like a cover up if you ask me. (I was going to write sounds fishy to me, and I couldn’t bring myself to allow such a pun)

Jackass: Number 2

If you haven’t already seen this movie, I strongly suggest that you go out ASAP and accomplish the viewing.

I saw this Saturday evening, I never laughed at a movie so hard, and I never cried from laughter as hard as I did from this movie.

I laughed so hard that I coughed something up. I wasn’t sure what it was, I didn’t really want to know, and I couldn’t miss a moment of the movie, so I wiped the thing that came out of my mouth off on the floor and seat cushion.

Thank You Jackass,
Beehive