Open Letters To People That Will Most Likely Never Read Them…

To The Person In My Office That Keeps Farting,

I know that I break the wind in the office all the time; you seem to drop an open butt drive by my cube twice a day. You stink! Rarely do my farts make me say, “Disgusting” aloud to myself. Whoever you are, please stop, or else I just might need to leave fliers on everyone’s desk detailing the smells that I keep smelling that have come from your butt. I’m sure that there is way too much inter office gangbanging going on for someone to drop the time on you.

You’ve been warned!

Sincerely,
My Nose

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To The Person Or Persons Who Stole My Blue Recycling Bin,

That was not funny, and I had a gut feeling as if something was going to happen. That Wednesday night when I placed my blue recycling bin at the curb I had the gut feeling that it was going to be stolen, this was the same gut feeling that I the night of 9/10/01 when I couldn’t get my sister’s dog to get inside, and saw a van full of men that looked like Ramsey Yusef.

This gut feeling leads me to believe that the only true person behind both events, and this person is in fact Osama Bin Laden. I’ll never be able to put out the garbage and feel safe again.

Osama, you stink on ice!

Yours Truly,
Justin Timberlake’s Biggest Fan

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To Kina From The Real World Road Rules Challenge,

You need some serious help, yes, you do. I don’t often just come out and say things like this, and in this case it is justified.

I will try to lay it out for you nice and slow. Here it goes… you are one of the creepiest and most annoying individuals I have ever met. Which is quite hard to do since we have never met, nor have we ever spoken. The only contact I have had with you has been through MTV game shows.

Now you might say that I don’t know the real you, since TV doesn’t show the full personality of an individual. Well, I will let you know that I have watched countless people on game shows such as The Price Is Right, Wheel of Fortune, and the greatest game show of all time – Classic Concentration! That’s right Kina, this is all just you, not me. In theory the creepiest most annoying person that I have come across through a game show should have been someone who has gone to see The Price Is Right 18 times before having their name called by Rod Roddy.

Creepy Kina, my advice to you is to speak to the camera about other game show contestants without the hyperventilating sporadic words, do not wear so much make up, and please for the love of God do not be so clingy and codependent with your boyfriend, Randy. I’m not even sure that the two of you are together, and I hope for both your sakes that you are not.

Get some serious help Kina.

Regards,
A Concerned Game Show Viewer