What A Week It’s Been…

I have transitioned to a new “consultant” position at work. I received less than three hours of training for a job that normally has weeks of training; this made me nervous about going in to work this past Monday. One week through and I must say that it isn’t half bad. Sure I do not get to read or write blogs as much as I had been, but at least I never left work crying or angry, which is a great thing.

In fact, I was given lots of praise from all the people who called in, and even words of “I love you Beehive.”

I kid you not, and this was all just from my picking up the phone and answering their questions, which, I’m told hadn’t been happening.

Go me.

On Friday, I was informed that I was to move into a different cube, which I did, leaving Brender behind. No longer can I see out a window from my cube, no longer will I be away from the hussle and bussle of the normal workers. I didn’t mind, until I realized what cube I was going to.

It was the cube of the now former coworker who had awful awful breath. I never cleaned a cube before I used it in the past, ever!

This one was scrubbed for over an hour before I felt comfortable enough to sit in it.

I sanitized all possible surfaces that I could possibly touch, which included the insides all the drawers and overheads. I swapped out the phone, chairs, and coat hooks.

During this clean up I found these items in the cube:

1) Oreo cookie crumbs.

2) A bumper sticker that commemorates the 10th anniversary of the Million Man March.

3) An unused maxi pad.

I threw the Oreo crumbs and maxi pad out; the bumper sticker was way too cool to not hang up in my cube – sanitized first!

Off to an engagement party.

Laters!

Guess Who’s Still Alive!!!

As I strolled home this past Wednesday evening I spotted Larry Bud Melman sitting in front of the local cup cake shop. He’s lived about five blocks from me my entire life, and yet I had never seen him in my neighborhood before. He looked really really old, and I thought it wasn’t him since I assumed he died a long time ago. Google proved me wrong. Larry is 84 and kickin’.

FYI – I submitted this sighting to gawker stalker, although I doubt they’d publish him.

Guess Who’s Still Alive!!!

As I strolled home this past Wednesday evening I spotted Larry Bud Melman sitting in front of the local cup cake shop. He’s lived about five blocks from me my entire life, and yet I had never seen him in my neighborhood before. He looked really really old, and I thought it wasn’t him since I assumed he died a long time ago. Google proved me wrong. Larry is 84 and kickin’.

FYI – I submitted this sighting to gawker stalker, although I doubt they’d publish him.

My Nose

Everyone has nose hair. I for one, am one of those people who takes pride in ensuring that his nose hairs are trimmed neatly, not tickling one another, not peeking out and staying all up in there. On the flip side, I can be found with my finger up my nose more often than not. I’m not usually picking, I enjoy the sensation of my fingers being up and in it. I don’t know why or how this happened, I have just accepted it that it is something that I do.

About a week and a half ago I was sitting at home with a finger up there, and I found something strange.

I found myself playing with this new friend that I had sprung out of my left nostril nose. It took me a few moments before I had even realized my new discovery. When I finally realized what I thought it might have been I immediately went to the bathroom mirror. That was the moment when I saw the Ron Jeremy of nose hairs.

It was glorious!

It was a nose hair, one really long, coarse thick hair. It was way thicker than any hair that I have on my body, and it was without a doubt longer than any hair that has been found up my nose. I could feel that it started way up near the top of my nose, and see that it flowed out past my nostril bottom by about a centimeter. I know this because I was able to grab it with both my index finger and thumb.

As cool as I thought this wacky nose hair was, I needed to cut it almost immediately. I thought that if I kept playing with it I would get a bloody nose that would need to be cordurized (sp? Word doesn’t even have the correct spelling).

I’ve had to get my nose cordurized in the past for breaking things inside of it, which had nothing to do with placing a finger up it whatsoever. I had to go to the Ear, Nose, & Throat (ENT) doctor three separate occasions to get it properly cordurized, and it is one of the worst uncomfortable physical feelings possible.

The basic process of cordurizing a nose is the ENT looking up it with a long floppy tiny telescopic lens, and then lighting a long kitchen match, blowing the match out, then placing it up the nose to burn the broken pieces of nose flesh together.

With that being said, I wasn’t taking my chances by allowing myself to play with this hair any longer. I stood in front of the mirror, and held different placements of the scissors. Having never had to actually send scissors up either nostril for a job before, this took some careful thought on hand positioning and the need for steady handwork.

With one careful snip it was done. I blew out really hard, and that mysterious stranger was gone. I only knew him for a few minutes, and yet he had changed my life so dramatically.

It opened my mind up to the ability for my body to allow things to happen that I never thought were possible. For instance, if my tongue grew teeth out of it, fine, all the better. If my arms and legs got rusty like the Tin Man and needed oil to work, I’d become the spokesperson for OPEC, and if a penis were to fall out of my butt hole one day, it certainly wouldn’t shock me. My body knows no limits when it comes to evolution.

Now here I am, it’s been a week and a half, and I want to play with that odd nose hair. I can stick my finger up my left nostril and feel it in there. It has definitely grown dramatically since I cut it, and I’m thinking that I will allow it to grow just as long, if not longer than it once was.

Long live my freakish nose hair follicle.

My Toilet Tank Has Seen Better Days…

There is an empty box of Puffs Plus, and an unopened pack of Always Clean on it. How has my life come to this???