To A Certain Ex Girlfriend Of Mine,

Looks like today is your special day.

That’s right, a holiday just for you.

Read, learn, then go be anger or annoyed or scared or whatever it is you feel.

Yours Truly,
Just Pretend I Didn’t Just Write This & Continue Our Lack Of Communication

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To The News,

You hyped up this whole Danny Devito being drunk on the View as being hilarious, shocking, and full of craziness. This came no where near to be as hilarious, shocking, and full of craziness as Mariah Carey having a nervous meltdown live on TRL during an interview with Carson Daily.

Come back to me when that is topped, or at least is Mariah is beginning to have another one of her “moments”.

Regards,
Disappointed BH

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Dear Bowflex Revolution,

Why do you tempt me so? Why must you be that highly paid ($2500) whore that I want and need, yet know that I don’t want to spend all my money in one shot.

You stand in each picture with the body language that states “I’m spread eagle for you. Take me know.”

10 year limited warranty…I’m yours.

HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS!

Sincerely,
The Man Whose Bank Account Will Not Want Me To Call The Next Day

For the past few weeks I’ve been seeing this Jared Leto lookalike on MTV in the mornings.

I enjoyed the songs and videos I had been seeing. Yet I kept seeing this guy and I always had the thought that this guy is just trying way too hard to look like Jared Leto.

I began to think maybe the singer was having a Corey Feldman/Michael Jackson type phase, only replace Jackson with Leto.

Yesterday I was so bugged out by this mans audacity to style himself after Leto so much so that I had to find out who the lead singer to 30 Seconds to Mars was. This led me to Google, which informed me to the astonishing fact that this wannabe Leto was modeling himself after himself.

That’s right Jordan Catalano is indeed the singer of this band.

I feel much better knowing this.

It is 9:44AM and I am at work in my cube. My eyes are all puffy cause I am tired. I have way too much work on my plate for today due to the fact that I don’t want to do any work whatsoever. I’ve gone through all of my blog links that get me through my day and have finished reading everything I possibly could. To top it off I’m still weirded out from my MySpace search of a kid that I went to high school with. He has a kid! It’s not so much that a 26 year old man has a kid, it’s more so the fact that this one 26 year old man in particular actually has a kid. This is the same man who during gym would run into the walls of the gymnasium over and over and over with the thought that if he ran hard enough and kicked back at the right time he would do a flip and land on his feet. He was definately not the sharpest. This kid turned man is now responsible for the life of a child!

I just want to go back home, curl up under my sheets and oh so comfy comforter, and then sleep until my body can’t sleep any more. After that, I want to play some more of PS2’s Grand Theft Auto Liberty City Stories. That would be a much better way to spend my Wednesday.

This whole work thing is not doing it for me today.

I’ll post more later, this day needs more blogging in order to pass the time.

Welcome to I Am A Pig On Tuesday…

This week we take a look at our babe of the week, the lovely Ms. Britney Spears-K-Fed.

Oh Britney, my humble hoe, how we love the idea of fondling your breasts while you dance on our penis. Oh Britney, the worlds little gossip baby machine; you are one of a kind.

Personally I first recall seeing Ms. Spears-K-Fed back in the late 90s when MTV aired Hit Me Baby One More Time. At that very moment I knew that I wanted to tap that ass one day. Sure, a couple of men have been known to have been there and done that. We don’t care.

We don’t even care that you put on a fake Southern accent every now and then, despite having lived most of your childhood in New York City and in Orlando, Florida – neither location known for breeding such accents. We just laugh that phoney accent off under the guise that you are attempting to knock off Madonna’s British accent, only we go with the assumption that you have much less of a working brain than that of Madonna.

Remember: British = Elegant, Southern = Trashy…

Sure at one point in time back in the year 2000 Ms. Spears-K-Fed may have had a superhot body, she was the desire of every straight man’s fantasy that walked the face of the Earth, and it is now darn close to seven years later! Ms. Spears-K-Fed’s awful boob job only looks more awful thanks to the fact of having two kids with Mr. Federline, she appears to be extremely low class based on her spousal picking procedures, she gives off the vibe of being as smart as a goat, along with the sense of having the possibility of being the worst lay ever, and yet with all that going for her, I still find her fuckable.

With this in mind, let us go to the HUSS Scale!

How hot is Britney Spears-K-Fed on the HUSS Scale?

HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS.

She’s a perfect seven out of seven when she keeps her mouth closed.

Beehive will continue to get more and more excited with each playing of the same Rocky Balboa commercials. He will become annoyed if the studio starts playing new commercials of the same film.

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Thanks to cleaning up his place over the weekend Beehive found his high school yearbook. He will be mortified to find out what has become of his fellow alumni via the search feature on MySpace.

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A made for TV movie deal will be signed in regards to the family of six that went into the woods searching for a Christmas tree, only never to return…

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The will be a fisticuffs with some fights til deaths at the local Wal Mart in Alabama over that so called new “doohickey that everyone needs to have.”

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Leif Garrett will fall off the wagon, again…