BeehiveHairdresser.com

To A Certain Ex Girlfriend Of Mine,

Looks like today is your special day.

That’s right, a holiday just for you.

Read, learn, then go be anger or annoyed or scared or whatever it is you feel.

Yours Truly,
Just Pretend I Didn’t Just Write This & Continue Our Lack Of Communication

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To The News,

You hyped up this whole Danny Devito being drunk on the View as being hilarious, shocking, and full of craziness. This came no where near to be as hilarious, shocking, and full of craziness as Mariah Carey having a nervous meltdown live on TRL during an interview with Carson Daily.

Come back to me when that is topped, or at least is Mariah is beginning to have another one of her “moments”.

Regards,
Disappointed BH

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Dear Bowflex Revolution,

Why do you tempt me so? Why must you be that highly paid ($2500) whore that I want and need, yet know that I don’t want to spend all my money in one shot.

You stand in each picture with the body language that states “I’m spread eagle for you. Take me know.”

10 year limited warranty…I’m yours.

HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS!

Sincerely,
The Man Whose Bank Account Will Not Want Me To Call The Next Day

For the past few weeks I’ve been seeing this Jared Leto lookalike on MTV in the mornings.

I enjoyed the songs and videos I had been seeing. Yet I kept seeing this guy and I always had the thought that this guy is just trying way too hard to look like Jared Leto.

I began to think maybe the singer was having a Corey Feldman/Michael Jackson type phase, only replace Jackson with Leto.

Yesterday I was so bugged out by this mans audacity to style himself after Leto so much so that I had to find out who the lead singer to 30 Seconds to Mars was. This led me to Google, which informed me to the astonishing fact that this wannabe Leto was modeling himself after himself.

That’s right Jordan Catalano is indeed the singer of this band.

I feel much better knowing this.

It is 9:44AM and I am at work in my cube. My eyes are all puffy cause I am tired. I have way too much work on my plate for today due to the fact that I don’t want to do any work whatsoever. I’ve gone through all of my blog links that get me through my day and have finished reading everything I possibly could. To top it off I’m still weirded out from my MySpace search of a kid that I went to high school with. He has a kid! It’s not so much that a 26 year old man has a kid, it’s more so the fact that this one 26 year old man in particular actually has a kid. This is the same man who during gym would run into the walls of the gymnasium over and over and over with the thought that if he ran hard enough and kicked back at the right time he would do a flip and land on his feet. He was definately not the sharpest. This kid turned man is now responsible for the life of a child!

I just want to go back home, curl up under my sheets and oh so comfy comforter, and then sleep until my body can’t sleep any more. After that, I want to play some more of PS2’s Grand Theft Auto Liberty City Stories. That would be a much better way to spend my Wednesday.

This whole work thing is not doing it for me today.

I’ll post more later, this day needs more blogging in order to pass the time.

Welcome to I Am A Pig On Tuesday…

This week we take a look at our babe of the week, the lovely Ms. Britney Spears-K-Fed.

Oh Britney, my humble hoe, how we love the idea of fondling your breasts while you dance on our penis. Oh Britney, the worlds little gossip baby machine; you are one of a kind.

Personally I first recall seeing Ms. Spears-K-Fed back in the late 90s when MTV aired Hit Me Baby One More Time. At that very moment I knew that I wanted to tap that ass one day. Sure, a couple of men have been known to have been there and done that. We don’t care.

We don’t even care that you put on a fake Southern accent every now and then, despite having lived most of your childhood in New York City and in Orlando, Florida - neither location known for breeding such accents. We just laugh that phoney accent off under the guise that you are attempting to knock off Madonna’s British accent, only we go with the assumption that you have much less of a working brain than that of Madonna.

Remember: British = Elegant, Southern = Trashy…

Sure at one point in time back in the year 2000 Ms. Spears-K-Fed may have had a superhot body, she was the desire of every straight man’s fantasy that walked the face of the Earth, and it is now darn close to seven years later! Ms. Spears-K-Fed’s awful boob job only looks more awful thanks to the fact of having two kids with Mr. Federline, she appears to be extremely low class based on her spousal picking procedures, she gives off the vibe of being as smart as a goat, along with the sense of having the possibility of being the worst lay ever, and yet with all that going for her, I still find her fuckable.

With this in mind, let us go to the HUSS Scale!

How hot is Britney Spears-K-Fed on the HUSS Scale?

HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS.

She’s a perfect seven out of seven when she keeps her mouth closed.

Beehive will continue to get more and more excited with each playing of the same Rocky Balboa commercials. He will become annoyed if the studio starts playing new commercials of the same film.

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Thanks to cleaning up his place over the weekend Beehive found his high school yearbook. He will be mortified to find out what has become of his fellow alumni via the search feature on MySpace.

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A made for TV movie deal will be signed in regards to the family of six that went into the woods searching for a Christmas tree, only never to return…

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The will be a fisticuffs with some fights til deaths at the local Wal Mart in Alabama over that so called new “doohickey that everyone needs to have.”

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Leif Garrett will fall off the wagon, again…

This weekend in between playing my new PS2 video game – Liberty City Stories – I did lots of chores, and yet to an unknowing person who would walk through my place, they would assume I was a slob. Little did they know that all the cat hair is now gone from underneath my bed, how the cat food mess (she eats very sloppily) is all gone, or how I dusted and windexed things, or how I cleaned my stove and all the counter tops.

All in all, my place still looks like a mess.

Today I did the chore of outside things. Like roofing and cleaning gutters, you know being a “REAL” man. This meant that I had to break out my purple T-Shirt to go do these chores.

Somehow a seven-foot plus rusted metal poll was on my roof. Where that came from I can assume a neighbors roof, but just exactly how did it end up on mine?

I even did some tarring.

Damn I’m so macho looking in my purple T-Shirt.

AND…

I’m already 43% complete on Liberty City Stories, and I only bought it on Wednesday evening. Yeup, I didn’t leave my place this weekend.

AND…

Due to all of this I missed most of one of my favorite Sunday past times of watching the Giants lose football games. I turned the game on four or six seconds left, which I believe was right after the Giants gave up the game winning touchdown to Vince Young in some fashion. So, in the end, I don’t really think that I missed good parts in this sense.

So sorry that I was unable to post this one up yesterday, here are my letters. I realize that none of you could sleep well last night due to my lack of posting.

Very Truly Yours,
Beehive Hairdresser

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Open Letters To People Who Will Most Likely Never Read Them…

To A Certain Woman On The V Train,

On Monday morning in the middle of rush hour you were wearing a blue pantsuit with sneakers that had skulls all over them. While I appreciate your attempt with youth, the fact that you are wearing a pantsuit will always make you too old and not nearly hip enough to get away with such a fashion mistake.

Next time, I will take a photo!

You have been warned…

Regards,
The Man Who Noticed

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To Whoever Made The Decision,

You made the decision to start running the Danny Masterson Clearasil commercials 24/7 this week. Are you trying to inform me that you know that I have fallen asleep on the couch and then went directly to bed without washing my face at night far too many times over the past three weeks? Also, I’m curious why you have decided to use that old commercial. Was it do to That 70s Show going off the air? Or, was it due to longer hair is what is in style for the youth nowadays? Hmmm?

Get back to me on that.

Regards,
Beehive

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To Radio Programmers,

You people suck the big one. Yesterday was Thanksgiving, so today you have blasted each and every station with non stop Xmas tunes. Not only that, but last week I caught you sneaking in a few Xmas songs here and there. All of you as a bunch should be ashamed of yourselves. The only people who actually enjoy putting on the radio and listening to Xmas songs are the extremely old and feeble, and since this is the case, all of those people are not sitting in their car listening to every single radio station that NYC has to offer. Those sorts of people are in places called Maple Grove, Greenwood, and Cedar Hills.

Regards,
Someone Who Never Turns On The Radio With Hopes Of Xmas Tunes Being On.

I just got back from the supermarket. I waited until 8:50pm to go up with the mindset I would let the Thanksgiving rush be gone with the supermarket. I was partly wrong in this. It was still way more crowded than a usual Tuesday at 9pm, and that was with five cashiers open. Although it wasn’t as bad as the 300-foot line I saw in there two years ago.

While shopping I had seen a young six or seven year old boy running through the supermarket without a parent in sight while I was on the express line for 20 minutes this same young boy kept running full speed through the fruit/vegetable areas, out the front door to the sidewalk and back. This made me think where was his guardian of some sort.

Then I got to thinking where all these people that were swapped on the lines around me we from. Did they not ever eat? Did they not ever shop at a supermarket on some sort of regular basis? These people aren’t hipsters, or young 20somthings, they are mostly people in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s. Why the hell do they all need to buy two shopping carts full of groceries???

I know Thanksgiving is here and whatnot, but don’t they have the bare essentials to live already in their closets? Do they really need multiple 20 packs of Scott toilet paper? Just whom exactly are they having over for dinner that might have needs that great?

Then it was my turn at the cashier. I had cleverly placed all of my big bottles towards the customer side of the belt, leaving no room for the older woman in front of me to lollygag at the cashier. The cashier swiped my milk through and bagged it, then my eggs, and while she went to bag the eggs she dropped the dozen in carton on the plastic bag holster. I thought, “fuck, I gotta go get another set of eggs.”

She opened it up and wanted to see the damage. I couldn’t help but look at such an awful sight, and when I did I saw the unexpected. Not one egg was cracked. From the look of the outer package of the eggs one would think at least four would have broke. I told the cashier it looked good and no worries (not that I would worry over eggs or anything I bought at the supermarket) and yet she insisted on inspecting all 12 eggs. She informed me that she is just too neurotic not to check that not one egg cracked.

I stood there, watched, and marveled at the fact that for a moment, just one split moment, someone seemed way more neurotic in a good (or bad) way than I am. It was a good feeling to have.

Welcome to I Am A Pig On Tuesdays.

This week’s babe of the week is me, Beehive.

I cannot go into much of the details as to why I am indeed this weeks the babe of the week, but let me just say that I’ve been known to be so hot that even I can’t take my hands off myself.

Let’s go to directly to the HUSS scale…

HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS

I’m a perfect seven out of seven on the HUSS scale, how could I possibly not be.

The transvestite that is the superintendent of the apartment building up the block from me will write a letter addressed to all tenants, and then proceed at length to describe how normal people should place garbage in garbage cans, plus he will go on to write about how normal people don’t leave wet footprints throughout the staircases of the building, despite the fact of it raining outside.

I swear to God he will.

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My migraine headache will subside, and or go away completely. It hurts pretty bad right now, however, by the end of the week the headache will be long gone.

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My beautiful new nearly wall-to-wall TV stand/unit that makes my living room almost look as though an actual grown up lives in my place will be completely and thoroughly explored by my cat. She will have knocked items over that she shouldn’t have, and she will run away into my bedroom after the crashes and falls of said items.

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My right eye and lips will hopefully be fully relinquished from the terror that has besieged it last week in the form of clementine allergies. My skin in general will be moist again, not overly, just not desert dry as it currently is despite the moisturizer that I have been putting on it along with the award winning amount of water that I have been consuming.

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James Blunt will be forced to cancel a tour date after coming down with a hideous case of violent diarrhea. Afterwards he will be quoted as saying, “If only my music was this good.” No worries, since only three fans will be saddened by the cancellation of the particular tour date.

I want to go up to the hottest woman I see and tell her that her shit stinks.

I am not feeling well. My eyes are still swollen and itchy. My lips are dry and itchy. Why? Cause my body is a douche bag and is allergic to clementine.

Google is no help with this allergy. I was hoping for magical rub butter on your eyes sort of remedy to help me out.

My coworkers tell me that my eyes appear to be looking worse than this morning.

Despite the fact that I haven’t had a clementine in over 24 hours I am showing all these signs of the clementine allergen, I just want to eat another, and I know that I can’t.

Fresh fruit sucks ass. I’m giving up fresh fruit and vegetables from all this.

UPDATE!!!

I woke up today (Friday) with my right eye looking as though I was beaten with fists. The swelling has gone done dramatically since that first look in the mirror. I’ll see if I can get someone to take a pic or two at work and post it up.