Open Letters To Folks Who Will Most Likely Never Read Them…

To My Deliciously Sexy Wonderfully Beautiful Body,

What’s up with your skin? You’ve been a real douche bag to me for the past two plus years, make that all my life, you douche bag. How dare you allow me to suffer from chicken pox twice and once from the measles as a child?!?!

Ever since I went and put that skull tattoo on my knee you have treated me like a second class citizen hoping that I will die a quick death. You think I’m paranoid, huh? Don’t you.

Well let me tell you this, My Deliciously Sexy Wonderfully Beautiful Body, I’m onto you. I’m onto your games. I’m onto the fact that you have made me allergic to three things in the past two years, those being tattoo ink, clementines, and spirit gum. I’m onto the fact that every time I get a rash you up the anti with an infection to boot. I’m onto the fact that you never gave me a full and proper amount of melatonin in my skin to ward off the harsh sunrays.

I’m onto you!

Regards,
The Highly Hypercritically Aware Beehive Hairdresser

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To The Executives At VH1,

Please bring back Pop-Up Video. It was a great show that did not gets its justice. I write this today on behalf of all mankind, we ask that you please bring back Pop-Up Video. We all want to pop into Pop-Up Video. If MTV can bring back Celebrity Death Match you should be able to bring back the great Pop-Up Video.

We the public wants to watch the Bones video along with many others with little pops of knowledge infiltrating our television screens.

I stand here before you, begging with my soul that you give us what we want and allow us all to once and for all pop into Pop-Up Video.

Regards,
A Fan That Misses Pop-Up Video.

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To Those Two Left Over Slices Of Carvel Ice Cream Cake,

You are so tasty. I know that for a fact despite I have not yet eaten either pieces of you two. I know this taste fact to be true of you due to that fact that I grew up eating Carvel ice cream cakes. I am salivating at the thought of eating your frosty cold bits of yummyness.

A word of warning for the both of you, your days are numbered, and one of those numbers is coming up today. You will both end up going into my tummy, however, do not expect to stay there. I will continue to do my steps, and crunches so that you cannot find a permanent home on my tummy.

You have been warned.

Regards,
Cookie Puss