Instead of going to college or joining the military the same way every other person I graduated with did I went straight into the work force. Let us just imagine that Mayor Mike Bloomberg owned a company valued at a couple of billion dollars and that I worked there, cause he does, and I did.

I ended up at Bloomberg after high school when at that point in time I knew that college just wasn’t for me at that point in my life. I had some connections there from certain family members of mine having worked with/at Bloomberg for decades.

That year the corporate Christmas party was at the Museum of Natural History. Beforehand, I went out to dinner with my brother-in-law, and a guy we worked with named Andy. I had ordered an Amstel with my burger, the waitress took the order, when she arrived back with our drinks she informed me that the bartender needed to see id. The bartender was still at the bar, so I whipped out my id that stated I was 18.

This was one of the tricks that I did throughout my time before age 21 when I wanted to drink at a bar, sometimes it worked, other times it didn’t. I never used a fake id or that of someone else. I was too honest. In this particular case the waitress informed me that I since I wasn’t 21, she couldn’t serve me. I ended up with a Coke.

My sister met the three of us at the pub. She ordered an Amstel, and the three of us laughed and she was left clueless as to why. After our burgers we headed over to the museum.

It was the first Thursday in December, and it was not frigid cold yet. It was just cool enough to be bearable for December in New York City. We went through all of the security and wham we were inside.

Almost the entire museum was rented out for this party. There were dozens upon dozens of paid entertainers dressed as animals, creatures, and a few street magicians floating about. A magician somehow pulled a silver dollar from out of my hand without my knowledge. These were people that had good acts.

After the short magic trick, Mike Bloomberg came over to us, my sister in particular and said, “Didn’t I always tell you that ______ was no good for you?” and gave her and my brother in law a warm greeting. Andy and I were introduced, some small talk ensued, and Mike left to mingle with some other partiers.

Andy and I didn’t want to be stuck with a married couple all night, so we informed them that we were going to take a look around. That would be the last that I would see of my sister and brother in law that night.

We made our way through a couple of the open bars. There were a ton of open bars set up. Then we decided to take a look at what was happening on the second floor. At this point in time I could begin to feel a little bit buzzed. I was smiling and laughing at every little thing.

I have an inclination that Andy was feeling a buzz too. He and I stood on the top of the stairs watching a person on stilts dressed as a tree blend into the wall, and then after a few minutes without moving just start to walk. No one would be ready for that to happen, and women would scream loudly at the scary sight of a tree walking. I remember that I laughed so hard that I spilled some of my drink all over my shoes.

Andy and I were going round for round. He was in his early 30s. Well over 6’, and about 200lbs. I on the other hand was 18 years old and maybe 5’9” / 115lbs at the time. I was too naïve to know that I was setting myself up for disaster.

Andy and I continued to go round for round throughout the museum. We kept wondering where all of the other guys we worked with were. A few hours of this wondering and wandering happened. Finally, we arrived at yet another dance / club themed room, and ran into a bunch of our coworkers.

I will just state that by this time I was flat out bombed. Every time I saw Benny and his wife I would shout out “BENNY!!! WE WERE LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU!” Then hug him and his wife. I remember doing that numerous times, and I am told that I did that over a dozen times. I did the same thing to my coworker Joe and his wife.

Drinking lots of free beer takes its toll, and I had to go find a bathroom to relieve myself in a quick way. I told everyone that I’d be back in a few, and was off the find a mens room.

The Museum of Natural History is HUGE! The restrooms there were few and far between. I remember walking up and down flights of stairs. I made a left or two, and then had to ask where the bathroom was.

The bathroom was finally in sight, and I was walking directly towards it when a group of human marching wooden soldiers walked in front of the mens room. This site enamored me. Four of the five wooden soldiers were in perfect unison, while the fifth was slightly off in all his timing.

I stood there and laughed to myself while mumbling the last one is all out of sync. Hahaha!

After I got bored with laughing at the wooden soldiers I went to bathroom.

When I drink I don’t just pee, I make a scene in the bathroom, which isn’t bad when it is a single bathroom, however, when it is a public bathroom like the museum has, everyone knows what I’m doing.

I let my body relax nice and good. Then begin to go, and then moan really loudly to myself. It just feels really good letting it all out in those situations, despite the knowledge that almost all other people in the bathroom are completely annoyed by my actions. It’s just what I do.

I finished up, washed my hands and went to go find that dancing room where I left everyone.

I came out of the mens room and saw the marching human wooden soldiers again. This time they were all in sync. I laughed and told a stranger that they wouldn’t believe how the fifth soldier was a split second off in his timing less than five minutes earlier, and that those soldiers were really cool.

I tried to remember how I got to the bathroom. I had been keeping track of all my turns and stairs up until the wooden soldiers scene. I was lost. I had no idea other than I had been on stairs and made either a left or right, plus another left or right, along with another staircase.

I had decided that I would just wander around until I found it, only I didn’t just wander, I hit up the open bars along the way as needed.

Then there’s a space of time that I don’t have a clue as to what happened. Then I remember I was walking. Then I remember someone calling my name. They were shouting it. I opened my eyes and saw Todd who worked on the floor beneath me. He was holding his hands on each side of my head and asked what I was doing.

Delirious as I was I looked over and saw Mike Bloomberg with bottles of what appeared to be champagne in each hand, along with a two ring supply of personal body guards. They were there to ensure his safety and that nobody got near him that shouldn’t. I told Todd that I was going to go thank Mike for throwing a great party. Todd informed me that this was not the best idea, and told me not to go near Mike. I told him that I would thank Mike next time I saw him.

Todd could obviously see that I was in no shape to be anywhere. He asked how I was getting home, to which I replied Mr. X (my brother in laws brother) was going to drive me home. Todd knew who Mr. X was, and how Mr. X has a short fuse to his temper, he told me that if Mr. X won’t drive me home or if I couldn’t find Mr. X that I should take a cab to Todd’s apartment and crash on his couch. I always got the feeling that Todd looked at me as if I were his little brother since we had a similar face. The guys that Todd worked with called me Little Todd.

Todd told me his address, and asked me to repeat it numerous times. When he felt comfortable with the thought that I knew the address he let me go on about my way. No less than 30 seconds after leaving Todd the only portion of his address that I could remember was that it was in the East 60s somewhere.

Then came another prolonged period of time in which I was apparently walking around, yet blacked out at the same time. I know this due to the fact that when I opened my eyes I found that I was walking next to a guy dressed in a clown outfit.

The clown had his left arm around me, and asked if I was lost. I told him that I was lost and I was looking for Mr. X. He informed me that he would help me find Mr. X. I put my right arm around his clown shoulders and off we went.

We walked and walked and walked. Then I realized that the clown had been walking me in a giant circle around a bench full of partygoers. I did not like that one bit. I thought that the clown knew where Mr. X was, and did not want to help me find him.

I demanded he take me to Mr. X. Due to our arms being around each other my arm easily and unknowingly slipped this clown into a headlock and I screamed,” MR. X! TAKE ME TO MR. X!” Repeatedly.

The clown was begging for me to let him go, and yet I just screamed even more. MR. X! TAKE ME TO MR. X!

It was while screaming Mr. X that I felt my headlock hold come undone and my feet no longer touch the ground. Two people had picked up off of the clown.

I looked to my left with worry and saw that it was Mr. X. I told him that I had been looking all over for him. He informed me that he knows, and that everyone in the company knew I was looking for him due to the whole clown in a headlock and me screaming his name. I looked to my right and the other person was a guy that I worked with. No security was throwing me out.

We were on the way to yet another dance / club type room inside the museum. This room is better known as the Whale Room to actual museum patrons.

The Whale Room was packed. I immediately found an open bar and accidentally slammed myself to a spot to the bar knocking two guys out of the way. I was in the thought that I needed more beer. It was much later in the night of the party, and the bartenders no longer bothered to give cups of beer. They were just handing out bottles.

When Mr. X saw that I had more beer in my hands he attempted to take it away from me, so I walked and danced my way quickly to the other side of the Whale Room where I could drink without worry of being cutoff. I danced my heart out and looked up at the ceiling and saw the whale that hangs from the ceiling was swimming in place. I had been to the museum before and knew that the whale was not supposed to do that. Then I looked at the display cases of the animals and saw them moving too.

I headed over to Mr. X and the guys I worked with, due to the fear of being attacked by an animal and being eaten by a whale. Andy and another coworker were chatting by an appetizer table, and while I attempted to join their conversation I was distracted by the drunk woman with huge breasts that were literally hanging out of her glittery dress, I saw nipple. We all saw nipple – although I didn’t realize that everyone else had already seen the nipple.

I turned to Andy and coworker and shouted, “DUDE I SEE HER NIPPLE! LOOK AT HER TITS! THEY’RE HANGING OUT OF HER DRESS!”

Andy and coworker wanted none of my conversation. In fact they had been quietly discussing her breasts and nipples before I got to them. I blew up their spot. The drunk woman adjusted her dress and titties were lost from sight.

At this point in time Mr. X had enough of my antics and informed me that it was time to go. Naturally with my lack of understanding that I had made a fool of myself along with my lack of knowledge that I had embarrassed everyone that I was with I did not want to leave. I looked at the time and saw that it was only 9:30PM. There were still another few hours left of the party and I wanted to stay for all of them.

Mr. X got in my face and said, “If you weren’t _____’s brother I would have beat the shit out of you already!”

This I understood, and knew that it was time to leave the party.

Mr. X told me to hold onto his shoulders while we walked through the crowd. I took hold, and we made our way along with his date. Mr. X said goodnight to many many people that he worked with along the way, and I made sure to wish them a drunken good night as well. Mr. X did not appreciate my friendly goodbyes to his coworkers and managers.

We got to his SUV, he opened the back door, and I flopped my body onto the back seat. My legs were left hanging out, and I was unable to pull them in. He maneuvered my legs in the back, and closed the door. I passed out.

I awoke somewhere in the 20s on the east side. The car was stuffy, and I needed air. Mr. X and I had some words, and he finally allowed the window in the back to remain open while we drove.

He drove me to my place in Brooklyn. He kept asking if I remembered where I actually lived, and I was adamant that I lived at that specific place. When we got to my place he informed me that he wasn’t sure that I lived there and wanted to walk me to the door to make sure that I got in okay. I opened the door and said, “See, I told you I lived…” At this point Mr. X shoved me into my place were I landed against the wall.

Mr. X closed the door behind his push and there I was. Happy as can be about having a good night, and now coming to a realization to the fact that I completely ruined the party for Mr. X.

The next day I went to work without a hangover. Each and every person that saw me laughed and had a story to tell about my being so drunk that I did….

A few months later my sister was talking with a woman that worked for her, and found out that the womans husband worked the Bloomberg security detail the night of the party. My sister inquired as to why there was so much security around him and if there were any threats.

The woman that worked for my sister said that it was basically to ensure his safety, and no real threats. Only a drunk young looking employee with a shaved head that got too close to him, which described me to the tee that day.