BeehiveHairdresser.com

To My Deliciously Sexy Wonderfully Beautiful Body,

What’s up with your skin? You’ve been a real douche bag to me for the past two plus years, make that all my life, you douche bag. How dare you allow me to suffer from chicken pox twice and once from the measles as a child?!?!

Ever since I went and put that skull tattoo on my knee you have treated me like a second class citizen hoping that I will die a quick death. You think I’m paranoid, huh? Don’t you.

Well let me tell you this, My Deliciously Sexy Wonderfully Beautiful Body, I’m onto you. I’m onto your games. I’m onto the fact that you have made me allergic to three things in the past two years, those being tattoo ink, clementines, and spirit gum. I’m onto the fact that every time I get a rash you up the anti with an infection to boot. I’m onto the fact that you never gave me a full and proper amount of melatonin in my skin to ward off the harsh sunrays.

I’m onto you!

Regards,
The Highly Hypercritically Aware Beehive Hairdresser

****************************************************

To The Executives At VH1,

Please bring back Pop-Up Video. It was a great show that did not gets its justice. I write this today on behalf of all mankind, we ask that you please bring back Pop-Up Video. We all want to pop into Pop-Up Video. If MTV can bring back Celebrity Death Match you should be able to bring back the great Pop-Up Video.

We the public wants to watch the Bones video along with many others with little pops of knowledge infiltrating our television screens.

I stand here before you, begging with my soul that you give us what we want and allow us all to once and for all pop into Pop-Up Video.

Regards,
A Fan That Misses Pop-Up Video.

****************************************************

To Those Two Left Over Slices Of Carvel Ice Cream Cake,

You are so tasty. I know that for a fact despite I have not yet eaten either pieces of you two. I know this taste fact to be true of you due to that fact that I grew up eating Carvel ice cream cakes. I am salivating at the thought of eating your frosty cold bits of yummyness.

A word of warning for the both of you, your days are numbered, and one of those numbers is coming up today. You will both end up going into my tummy, however, do not expect to stay there. I will continue to do my steps, and crunches so that you cannot find a permanent home on my tummy.

You have been warned.

Regards,
Cookie Puss

1 Comment »

You already knew that already, I just felt like reminding you, plus I have a new reason to be called an idiot. I am absolutely an idiot for fooling myself into believing that I am not allergic to the innocent fruit called a clementine.

I allowed myself to believe that last year I just overdid my in taking of this delicious fruit, this year, after eating less than a handful of these small citrus fruits spread out over a few days, I have broken out in what appears to be red hives all over and around my eyelids.

On top of the small red hives, my eyelids, nose, chin line, and scalp line are itchy as can be. I once again feel like Chris Rock’s “Pookie” character in New Jack City, scratching at my body as if there are bugs and whatnot crawling on my skin.

I took anti-histamine this morning. It was from an expired pack that I had in my medicine cabinet. It was originally intended to be a 24-hour pill, instead the relief effects of the pill only lasted 4 hours.

I guess that I will just go about my day scratching my skin like Pookie.

At least I know for sure that I can honestly say that I am allergic to two things in this world, tattoo ink, and clementines.

I am an idiot.

No Comments »

Anyone else find the cover story of CNN.com to be a little sexually oriented, despite that it is a story about the desire for one airliner to buy out another?

Just take a look…

US Airways wants Delta
US Airways is making an apparently hostile $8 billion offer for Delta Air Lines after Delta emerges from bankruptcy protection. US Airways says a merger would offer passengers more cities at lower fares but some of the major hubs could lose that status. Delta has continually said it intends to remain independent as it seeks to reorganize.

No Comments »

Have you seen the Christmas commercial from Big Lots? They have this really short dwarf named “Mikey” dressed as an elf. This alone would make me love the commercial until my eyes were to bleed, however, this “Mikey” fellow has a harsh lisp, harsh.

This isn’t one of those lisps that make you wonder, did that guy say that funny? No, no. This is the kind of lisp that the guys who were in the high school production of Annie Get Your Gun had. This is the lisp of a man who is “How you doin.”

I shall now watch and listen to this commercial until my eyes pop out of my head, until my ears fall off, and until my pantaloons are filled with pee.

Thank you God. Thank you! You give new meaning to the word LIFE with this commercial.

No Comments »

Welcome to I Am A Pig On Tuesdays.

Before I begin, let me just state that I did not go gay on all of you. I happened to catch “License to Drive” last night on HBO, and even though the babe of the week is a guy, I bet he’s been someone “Babe” for a night or two.

This week follow us to our babe of the week, the Haim…mmm mmm mmm Corey Haim.

You know that you looked all girlie and whatnot…

If there was ever a man that had a vagina for a butt, it would have to have been our beloved Corey.

I grew up watching Corey movies such as Lucas, the Lost Boys, License to Drive, & Fast Getaway. From that very first time that I saw Corey on film, I knew that he most likely had have been born a girl and had a sex change at a very young age, or at the very least he was born a hermaphradite, with the doctors choosing not to cut off a penis, instead they opted for the sewing up of his vagina. Either or, it doesn’t matter, because I knew that Corey Haim was way too girlie to be a guy.

Just admit it, now that I’ve said it, you are agreeing with that statement of his birth.

Lest ye bring forth a man girlier than Corey Haim I shall annoint Corey Haim Queen of Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwich Day Parade.

Corey Haim, I would enjoy sending you to the doctors and having them remove your penis, undo the stitches of your vagina, put some big boob implants on your chest, make you grow your hair out, get you in that tanning bed, only to come out of it all looking like Pam Anderson.

Remember that I’m no fool! I know that Corey Haim has had his troubles with drug and alchohol addictions, that he’s had troubles with the law, was dead ass broke, and due to all of this, I would not be surprised to learn that he sold his girlish butthole as a vagina once or twice.

No sir, I would not partake in any intercourse or touching in any way with the Haim. The only thing only thing that I would do is watch the Haim whack herself off while looking like Pam Anderson.

Just how hot is the Haim on the HUSS scale?

Nothing registered at it’s current decibel reading.

Let us do some readjustments…

How hot is the Haim on the HUSS scale?

HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS

She’s a perfect seven out of seven on the HUSS scale!

-Beehive

No Comments »

I will eat through my entire five-pound crate of clementines, then run out to the supermarket and buy another box. This year I will not overdose on clementines like last, by eating 20 to 25lbs of clementines within three weeks.

***********************************************************

I will wake up one night drowning in a pool of my own drool after falling asleep on the couch.

I will be lost and confused upon waking up, and there just might be some creases on my face from the fabric beneath my face while I slept.

*************************************************************

Teri Hatcher will announce that both she and Ryan Seacrest are madly in love, and that they have just been lying real low since their first date was all over the tabloid newspapers so many months ago. Teri will also state that Ryan really loves her vagina, that he certainly know how to please a woman, and has tapped her arse more than once in the most romantic fashion.

No Comments »

I grew up a fan of the New York Jets, or when I was younger, the Jets. Each year I would go to one to three home games with my dad. We always got the same tickets from a guy that he worked with, the end zone on the tunnel side, eighth row back, seats 11 and 12.

Every time I would go to a game I would enter Giants stadium hoping that the Jets would win, and with the honest thought in my brain that the Jets would have they butts handed to them.

I saw some good games, one of which was when the Cowboys of the 1990s with their Emmitt Smith / Troy Aikman era. The Cowboys played football how it should be played. Somehow each year the Jets just lacked all the items that a good team should have.

The last time I went to a football game was about five years ago. I had the coolest seats I ever had – first row on the 40 yard line for a pre-season game against the Saints, which was the game that Vinny Testaverde came back off an injury, and it was Chad Pennington’s first game off the draft.

Since then I’ve watched game in and game out, always with the assumption that the Jets would lose. When they come out on top and actually win I am surprised. Happy and surprised.

Usually when the Jets are up on top, I will say to myself, “How are they going to blow this one?” I can usually see exactly how they can and will blow their win.

Today was no surprise. The Jets were playing the Patriots. The Patriots have decimated the Jets over the last four years, and I assumed the Jets would lose.

Somehow the Jets managed to take the lead into the fourth quarter, and I kept saying, this is it, they are blowing the game as I watch.

I stuck through it, and to my surprise, the Jets actually came off with a win. Go figure.

I guess this mindset is what happens when you go through seasons with records of 1-15, and 2-14.

Oh well, I still love my Jets, and at least I am not a Chicago Cubs fan.

1 Comment »

Not since 1492 has there been a discovery as important as the one I am about to announce…I found a new game to play while at work!

Here are the items that you will need in order to play this single player game, or, if you have a cool boss / an office that enjoys the mental well being of its employees – it’s a multiple player game.

1) Paper clips
2) One gel filled wrist guard for either a keyboard or mouse
3) A finger, or thumb

Think of this game as the Olympic High Dive. Place one paper clip vertically on the gel filled wrist guard, place thumb on tip on paperclip, push down, and then slide your thumb off gently. Now you will be able to watch your paperclip fly through the air.

When you get good at this, try aiming the clips in different directions, or into a cup, or you can make the clips do twists and turns like an acrobat.

Go my children, explore your inner paperclip gel wrist guard self, and play.

Best Wishes,
Uncle Beehive

No Comments »

To People Whose Loved Ones Are Celebs And Died After A Prolonged Illness,

Please do not continue to be all snooty, yes snooty, in the way you refer to your loved ones death. I see through your nose up in the air attitude that you are attempting to say that your loved one was better than someone else’s loved one, for they went to the doctors on a regular basis, which just so happened to be in time to be diagnosed with a really long and debilitating illness. Remember this, people whose loved ones died after a brief illness were special too, and more likely lived a care free life.

Sincerely,
Beehive

********************************************************

To The People That Walked Out Of And/Or Yelled Racist During Borat,

You people are quite lame. It is a movie! It wasn’t meant to be racist, however, it was made in part to show the racist mentality of Americans in a humourous way. I can only hope that you were tourists in the Times Square movie due to the rainstorm, although I doubt my hopes are true. Next time, instead of getting angry at a comedy film, go get angry about something that really matters in life, anything else, please!

Regards,
The Dude Who Tends To Write With An Extra “U” Here & There

P.S. My high school English teacher was from Ireland, and my spelling goes that way sometimes.

**************************************************

To My One Really Long Nose Hair,

I’m sorry. So sorry. From the bottom of my heart I beg for you to forgive me. I had no idea that playing with you constantly would make you fall out of my nose, and onto my finger. I had no idea that you were only half an inch long, and not the two plus inches that I had imagined. I wish you were still at home up my nose, and unfortunately you are not. Please, find it in your hair follicle to forgive me, even if it’s just a fake “yeah I forgive you Beehive” type of forgiveness. I truly wish that we had more time together, and now I sit alone, I am hearing Elvis singing My Way in my head, and wish that you were still connected to my nose.

Regards,
Your Former Guardian

3 Comments »

This evening after work I went to go see Borat at the AMC 25 Times Square. I went with four other coworkers, together we are the lunch crew (we don’t call each other that). After lots and lots of previews it finally began.

I sat there hoping for a really funny movie, or such an over the top insulting movie that it was funny. What I got was a little of both.

I’m not one to spoil movies, or give any details that might ruin any sort of plot or gag in a movie, so I will just say that after watching Jackass Number 2 I thought I would never laugh so hard that I would cough something up again, and was I wrong.

I had been cackling throughout the movie, really loud, and then one scene was just so over the top I couldn’t help but laugh so hard that I went and did it again. I coughed something up, spit it in my left hand so as to not miss a moment of the movie, wiped it on my chair, and just kept on going with the laughs.

While for me it didn’t top Jackass Number 2, it is definitely a go out there and watch this now sort of movie, especially since when it hits DVD there will be lots of faces that will be blacked out, or buzzed over. See innocent peoples real reactions it’s worth it.

UPDATE!!!

The lawsuits, and face blacked out has begun . I told you so. So go see it all while you can.

P.S. I recall in the movie one of the frat boys wanting to have a Richard Gere / Hamster type of experience. Not sure if that is one of the frat boys in the lawsuit.

No Comments »

Then you will surely like me.

I keep singing those two lines over and over and over in my head, and aloud. I am not even sure if that is a fully correct line from the song or not. I don’t have a clue who sings it, and don’t dare ask me what the name of that song is, if it isn’t Pina Coladas, then I don’t know what it is. I can’t even sing a lyric other than the above lines. I don’t have a clue what they might be.

All of this is what lead to my not being a lead singer in a band. For some reason it just doesn’t click in my head.

If you like pina coladas! Then you will surely like me!

People in my office must hate me by now for having sung this one all day long.

-Beehive

1 Comment »

First the shocking yet good news. Britney Spears apparently DOES HAVE A WORKING BRAIN. Today, she announced that she will be divorced Kevin Federline. Yes, K-FED, that was a diss! Bring it, punk!

Now for the bad news. Thanks to a taped phone message from the Dish Network, I have received word that come December 1, 2006 I will no longer legally be able to receive out of area local channels. The excuse that given was “due to a court ruling.” Whatever that means.

This means that I will have my feed of NBC-LA forcibly removed from my satellite package.

I feel that this is a travesty to this great nation of ours. No longer will bright people that live on the coasts be able to watch the filth of lies that is spread across the nation via the local broadcast channels.

This means that organizations will actually have to either get people to voluntarily to move out to bummfuck states to watch the local news, or actually have to pay people to do such things.

I seriously do not understand how such a thing as preventing people from watching whatever they want to watch on TV. It’s not as though the content is banned based off of the programming; it is more so that people in power want to prevent normal everyday people from being able to find out what the guy next door is being told as truth.

Plus I want to be able to watch my LA car chases whenever I get the chance to.

4 Comments »

Welcome to I Am A Pig On Tuesdays.

This week follow us to our babiest babe of the week so far, Ms. Pacman…mmm mmm mmm Ms. Pacman.

Oh how I’d like to get me a piece of that…

Just look at those curves! They don’t quit!

I recall the first time I met this sweet babe. At the time she was whoring herself out for a quarter a play, that’s what they called it back then - it was the 80s. Man, she was smoking hot. She was one of the coolest babes I’ve ever come across. She didn’t mind one guy playing her, and having a group of guys standing around watching all the action. Heck, moreso than anything she enjoys running around in no clothing, except for maybe a bow on her head now and then.

I’ve yet to come across another woman who enjoyed the attention the way she did.

Ms. Pacman my curvy delight, I would like to dip you into a tub filled with caramel, take you out, place you on my bed, and just ravage your naked body. I would pretend that you’re a lifesized candy apple, and just eat you up.

I will get right to my point with my one question to you, Ms. Pacman. Here it is… I hope that you are ready for this. Gulp… Ms. Pacman, will you make me the happiest man alive and be my bride?

I hear that the Empire State Building offers free marriage ceremonies every Valentine’s Day, and well, if you say yes, I was thinking this February 14th, you and me….huh? What do you say, babe?

Ms. Pacman, the times we spent together so many years ago were some of the best times of my life, maybethey were for you as well. Just so you know, if we get married, I will be expecting to receive a sponge bath from you twice a day, each and every day, for the rest of my life.

Just how hot is Ms. Pacman on the HUSS scale?

HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS HUSS.

She’s so hot that she went off the HUSS scale!

-Beehive

No Comments »

Week In Preview!

I will continue to sing “WE BUILT THIS CITY! BUILT THIS CITY! BUILT THIS CITY ON ROCK N’ ROLL!” to myself while at work for no apparent reason.

Joe Lieberman will win reelection for U.S. Senate in Connecticut this Tuesday. Later in the week he will announce at a press conference that he has changed political parties, and is now a Republican. That wolf in sheep’s clothing is here to stay, unfortunately.

I will sit across from the woman on the subway once again who is reading a book titled: Thugalicious: An Urban Erotic Tale, and this time I will allow my giggles to giggle on the outside, while she reads with an ever glowing smile.

No Comments »

One Year Ago Today I Was A Stockbroker…

Last year I gave two weeks notice and left my steady, full time job, and decided to give it a go at my little dream of being a stockbroker.

I went into my new job with the title of Account Executive. I was a fully licensed broker / investment adviser from my previous job, which was based on legal and compliance. I knew going into it that it is a tough industry to break into to make a good living, and most likely any attempt to become an established broker would involve lots of cold calling.

Before filing my two weeks at the old job, I had done a bunch of interviews with various broker dealers (stock broker companies for the lay folk). I found one that seemed legit, they offered to pay an alright base, with benefits, good payout on commissions, they were very upfront that I would be starting out with zero accounts, that I would be doing lots of cold calling to get myself a book full of accounts, and that they would provide good training for sales calls.

After years of doing stand up comedy to rooms half empty, and having the people that were actually there watching an awful show of stand up comedy wishing that they weren’t, I thought that I had the stomach for a such a job.

Day One: My First Day – One Year Ago Today

I felt good about getting up at 5:30AM that Monday morning, eating my breakfast, and getting on the subway early so that I would be able to get to the new office at the start time of 7:30AM.

My new hours were going to be 7:30AM until …I am ready to fall over and go to sleep.

I was expecting to work at least a 12 to 15 hour day, and wore my new blue colored Donald Trump suit that I bought on sale.

When I arrived at the office, I introduced myself to some of the brokers that were around me in the trading room. My new boss informed me where to find the phone numbers of whom I needed to call.

These lists were pretty good with information, and I have no clue how they acquired such details. It listed home address; home phone numbers, work address, work phone numbers, the individuals’ title, and how much money persons company grossed last year.

Both myself and the other new guy were given the instructions, NO WOMEN!

We were both instructed that we were to only solicit accounts from men, and that if a woman on the other end of the phone says that she would like to open an account, we could not help her.

Huh?

That was the first sign of things to come.

At 8AM all the brokers were at the phones. We all had a stack of index cards of individuals to call, and a sheet of paper to count three items: 1) number of calls 2) numbers of contacts (people who I intended to call and actually reached) 3) number of leads (number of people who wanted more information via mail, and who I would call in a week).

I was told to begin calling.

What happened to the training???

I called lots of people. LOTS!!!

I couldn’t help but overhear some of the brokers’ calls. There were about 50 guys in a room about 40 by 60 feet. Everyone was loud and some were much more aggressive than others.

I overheard some conversations about their prior weekend, and how they had banged some coke whores, and I could hear some completely break laws and start guaranteeing profits to people over the phone.

I also overheard broker calling up clients and asking to do trades, which were unnecessary and what we the business calls churning their accounts.

The broker/dealer also had unlicensed people placing sales calls. Which basically consisted of cold calling people, and then when a person seemed interested in opening an account the unlicensed person hold the phone out as far as he could and would shout out “HOLD ON! LET ME TAKE YOU OFF SPEAKER PHONE!!!”

This was done so that a licensed broker could run and snatch the phone out of the unlicensed persons hands, and attempt to open the account, or get a lead.

It had all the making of the movie Boiler Room which is based on many true stories of phonie investment banks.

I somehow found myself working in a boiler room; I wished that I had seen all of the boiler room tactics during the interview process.

At Noon, it was lunchtime. Almost all of the brokers went to lunch at the same time.

I looked down at my sheet of paper and saw that I had called 483 individuals, and of those I had contacted less than ten of them.

I was still excited and went to lunch.

The office was down on Maiden Lane, which is a couple of blocks north of Wall Street. I couldn’t stomach the look of the small deli’s and buffets, so I made the walk down to the McDonald’s on Broadway.

This McDonald’s is pretty cool. It has a pianist playing soothing piano songs above the entryway.

I ate, and pondered how I felt about my career move, and wasn’t too thrilled by my choice.

Then I headed back to my new office building across from the Federal Reserve Bank. On the way I decided to make a phone call, one where the person would actually pick up the phone, and who would be happy to hear my voice.

I called my former boss, put on a cheap Irish accent, and inquired to speak with my granddaughter. She of course new it was me, and we chit chatted for a couple of minutes. It felt good to actually call, and just speak to someone – just to talk and BS.

I went back the office, and it was 12:30PM. I put down my suit jacket, and found myself a new stack of people to call.

Not one person who picked up the phone was eager, or happy to hear me on the other end calling in an attempt to manage their money for them. Not one.

It wasn’t even as if I was speaking with many of the people. Most of the time I wouldn’t get past the secretary.

By 1:00PM I was fully aware that cold calling people in any fashion was not the best thing for me.

I went downstairs and called my friend who advised me to stick it out, and that things aren’t always best on the first day.

A half an hour later I was thinking that each and every person in Riker’s Island (NYC Jail) was having a much better time than I was.

I called my friend again, and informed him as to how much this new job sucked. We laughed about it, and I went back upstairs.

Sometime around 1:45PM I realized that I would not last until Friday. I kept calling people. I figured in my head, if only I could get through this stack of people, things would change.

I magically went through that stack, and then gave myself the notion that things would become much better after 2PM.

Both events came and went.

I was still miserable. I went downstairs to call my sisters and ask for their advice. Neither was there to pick up the phone.

I called my friend yet again, this time he said, “Things might change, you might love the job come Friday.”

In the roughly six hours that I had worked up to that day I had called in the neighborhood of 800 people, and of those I only contacted 16, and of those 16 I had one lead.

I went back up, with the thought, it might get better. No change.

That’s when I decided that I should quit. Not as a failure, but as a realization that I want to be happy in whatever it is that I call myself, and do in life. Saying, “I’m a stockbroker” wouldn’t make me happy since it was a job that was making me miserable, and since I was surrounded by some scum of the Earth – stockbrokers who live on Staten Island who would rob their grandmother by throwing her into hot coals if they were given the chance.

I found my suit jacket, put it on. Went downstairs, called a different friend, who just so happened to have started a job that day a well. I got her voicemail, and left a message saying that I hoped that her new job was treating her well.

Then I sat there. I could go up, or I could go somewhere else. Anywhere else.

I chose anywhere else.

I began to walk northbound in Manhattan. I needed to walk it off. The whole experience tasted awful in my mind, and I did not want to go home and still have that awful taste.

I walked, and walked, and walked. I didn’t know where I was going, and was even stopped by police for trying to walk into a “restricted area”. I must have had a confused look on my face, and when asked where I was trying to go, I replied, “just north”.

They told me to go another block east and then loop over to go back north. I didn’t mind the inconvenience of going out of my way to go north. They could have told me that I needed to do the backstroke across the East River and walk back over the Williamsburg Bridge to continue going north. I wouldn’t have minded.

I made my way over to SoHo, and was determined to find a certain store that sells butterflies in cases. I walked back and forth until I found it. I picked up my sister a birthday gift, and then continued north.

I just kept going.

When I hit Union Square my legs were beginning to tire from walking a bunch of miles in shoes that weren’t meant to walk long distances for prolonged periods of time in.

I went up to Barnes and Noble, and wanted to get something to drink, then sit down and figure out what to do next.

I made my way up to the Starbucks on the upper floors, and went to order something, anything. I looked up at the menu, and since I do not drink coffee the entire menu looked foreign to me, except for the word strawberry.

There was something strawberry on the menu. I liked strawberries, so I placed my order by saying, “I’ll have the strawberry thingy”.

I took my Starbucks strawberry drink and sat in a section that was empty where I could just flop myself on the floor, hide and think.

I drank the strawberry drink quickly, and thought slowly. A Barnes and Noble employee accidentally dropped a book on my head, and I didn’t seem to mind. In fact it seemed to suit the day just fine.

I thought what would I do with myself. I thought about how I could go running back to my old company and most likely either get my old job back or the promotion that I turned down to leave and be a broker.

I did not want either of those, they wouldn’t make bring me any sort of happiness, and I thought they would just drain my body of any type of good energy.

I just wanted to do something that would make me happy about what I do.

I decided that I would go home, and not think about it for two weeks, and then see what I might do.

That night I went to sleep, and for the first time in a long time I slept right through the entire night. It felt great.

Two weeks later I realized that I did not want to have an actual job ever again. I wanted to be self-unemployed forever.

I was able to live out this newfound calling of mine for the next seven months. Those seven months were heaven on Earth.

In hindsight, it really was a good day. It allowed me to realize that something I had wanted to do for years was not for me, it also gave me the time and space to just relax, meet and reacquaint with myself again, and then set out to find something that would actually be a good job / career for me in the long haul.

Walking out on a career, as a stockbroker was one of the best things I ever did, also one of the safest.

A few weeks later I found out that the company that I walked out on was raided for securities fraud, dozens of brokers were walked out in cuffs and arrested. Last I heard they were awaiting trial, and when convicted they will most likely be penniless, and have to spend about 3-5 years in federal prison.

My butt thanks me too.

2 Comments »