For the many of you who have never been to my place I will let you know that I live in an attached two family in Brooklyn. I garden in the front and back yards, and have a hedge line that is part of my property line. The hedge line is in between the path to the cellar steps of my place and the attached place of my elderly neighbors.

I’ve tended to this hedge line for years and years and years, before I did it, my dad took care of it, before him, my grandfather took care of it. It is one of two remaining hedge lines on the block. Two and a half foot high metal fences that are painted black have replaced all of the rest on the block. To be honest my hedge line looks way better than the one up the block due to the constant trimming that I do.

In the summer I trim it as needed, which is about every two or so weeks, and then every few years in March I cut back about a third of the hedge line so that it will keep its shape, and so that both cellar steps are able to be accessed. I always clean up all of the cut pieces so that there is never an issue.

Last night I went out to the supermarket around 9PM, the hedge line looked the way it has looked for the past few weeks – cut in a box form, and mostly leafless from the winter cold. I came home about 20 minutes after I left and as I turned to go up my steps I realized the hedge line looked different.

I went back to inspect and saw that my elderly neighbors cut the entire length of the hedge line off on the side facing their cellar walkway. It was not overbearing and blocking their right of way to their cellar steps. They just up and cut the things right off.

This immediately sent my blood boiling. There are only a few things that I take very personally, and damaging a plant that I have tended to is grounds for justifiable anything on my part. Part of my brain was telling me to ring their bell and beat them up. The other half was telling me that beating up a 90something year old man was not a smart thing to do. Then I thought I will kick in their entire picketed fence, I realized that this would be way too obvious that I was the culprit, especially since we could see one another through their cellar door, plus I do not ever want to be arrested, and I would rather live my life in a legal fashion.

I went back into my place with my groceries, paced around, and decided that I would just write a note instead. It went like this

“NEXT TIME YOU
WANT ME
TO CUT MY
FUCKING HEDGES
CALL ME!
THX. BEEHIVE
917-XXX-XXXX”

Then I angrily walked over to their front door, I slipped the note into their mailbox, and then I cautiously walked back to my place so that I don’t break anything in the fit of rage I was feeling.

I got inside, and sat in the Tony Bennett room trying to figure out what happened, and also plot out my revenge – which of course will be lame and at the same point they will most likely not even realize I am being vengeful.

Based on the fact that this was done at night and under the cover of darkness it is safe to assume that they knowingly knew that they should not have just cut the hedge line like that. Since the man is in his 90s and his wife in her 80s I am fairly certain that they could not have cut and bagged an entire 20 feet of hedge line in less than 20 minutes. They must have had an accomplice. Their own “Kato” & “A.C.” if you will*. It might have been their 40something year old son, but I highly doubt it since he has never helped them do anything physical. The help might have been their downstairs tenant who is in his 30s and strong enough to cut and bag things fast. Or, the help might have been the mysterious man that was huffing and puffing his way up the block as I walked down with my groceries. Either way, they must have had help.

My revenge will be done within the law, which is most definitely passive aggressive. My revenge will be that I shall never help them again, ever. This might not seem smart, or even be perceived by them, however, I have shoveled in front of their house for years and years and years since they moved onto the block without any thought of receiving money.

I did it just for the fact that they are elderly, their physically able son would never do it, and I didn’t want to walk on ice or have anyone slip and get hurt due to their lack of clearing a path. (There is an old age home two blocks down and our front walks are utilized by elderly 24/7 to get to the supermarket)

There are other things that I can do too, for instance not give the friendly hello again. Consider it gone. I will not take the broom while sweeping in front of my place and sweep the few feet over into the front of their walk out of “niceness”, I will no longer clean their drain in the inner courtyard that we share (it is impossible for them to access it without a ladder), and I will certainly no longer help them turn the soil in their backyard in springtime. Yes, slowly but surely their lives will be slightly inconvenienced. I do reserve the right to continue to receive fresh fruits and vegetables from them if offered!

When it does snow, and when they sure enough do not clear a path in front, or pay a kid $20 to do it for them I will most definitely be the douche bag that calls 311 and demands that they be ticketed, same to be said if they attempt to illegally rent out their basement as an apartment again.

These are the main points of revenge that I can do. I think of them kind of like the sanctions against North Korea – usually lame, and meaningless to the people that the sanctions are meant to effect.

*OJ is innocent.