If you haven’t read Part I I suggest you read that first to get up to speed.

Yesterday evening after getting out of the subway I stopped off at the store that I once worked at and bought some wrapping paper. I chatted for a few minutes over there and went along my merry way. As I approached my hedge line I became more and more horrified at what my eyes were seeing as I got closer. The next door neighbors cut off to the ground the entire front portion of the hedges. Leaving my hedge line looking mutilated and barren.

I opened my door and dropped off the wrapping paper and then rang the door of my neighbors repeatedly until they opened the door. The elderly wife answered from the second floor porch with her Greek accent “Who is it?” Since it was dimmly lit I took off my hat and told her it was Beehive and then inquired “What’s going on with my hedges?” She went on to say that her husband has been cutting it, and I went on to tell her that it was clear that they have cut my hedges and that they have no right to cut the hedges anymore than they have already done. That these hedges are indeed my property and not hers. She appologized with “Sorry, sorry” in a fashion that led me to believe that she was just yesing me to death. I then informed her that the hedges mean a lot to me and that if there are cut again I would have to call the police. She said, “my husband, he did it.” I informed her again to just make sure that he stops. This concreted my assumption that she was yesing me to death.

I was polite throughout the entire two minutes of conversing with her. I went back into my place and was about to get changed when I realized that I should take pictures of the damage.

I went back out to the same store that I just bought the wrapping paper at. As I walked up to the store I figured I would buy Ammonia so that I could kill off the entire neighbors garden. I walked into the store angry, picked up the big bottle of ammonia, picked out a disposable camera and placed them on the counter. My buddy Dan who works there made a comment on the items in a joking manner to which I replied, “Actually this is for revenge and this is to get photographic evidence against my neighbors.”

“What?” was his reply.

“You heard me right. I am going to kill my neighbors garden with ammonia, and take pictures of what they did to my hedge line!”

“What happened?” Dan said. I filled him in on the goings on and felt more calm about it. Then I decided that I would wait until 10PM before doing anything illegal. This would give me time to think, calm down, and not actually do anything illegal. For the record I did not do anything illegal and did not even open the ammonia.

On the way home I saw a cop car pull over in front of me. Me being the honest guy that I am I felt guilty about buying the ammonia. I crossed the street and did not look at the cop car. I was afraid that some customer in the store had overheard “kill” and “neighbor” and called 911 thinking murder was going to happen. I got home and felt relieved when no cop stopped me.

I got home and took a bunch of pictures of the hedges, and when I was done I was still full of testosterone and needed to work out anyway, so I got a great shoulder and leg workout in. It felt really good that work out.

I called my mother who is the actual owner of the house / hedge line and asked if we should get a police report made anyway. She did not wish to do so out of neighborly politeness, and asked if I could get one of my Greek speaking friends to translate the message of how the hedges are not their property and to stop cutting them back. I agreed with her wish, and went to another neighbors house.

My friends were not home, but the father was. He agreed to translate for me, and wanted to take a look at what happened first to get a better idea of the situation. He looked at the hedges and said, “They definitely shouldn’t have done this.” Then seemed very weary about talking to the old greek man.

I asked, “Are you afraid to talk to the old man?” To which he replied, “Yes, I am. I know he’s going to become immediately loud, angry, and it will be a long drawn out scene. I don’t want anything to do with it. Give it another day. If he does more cutting I will translate for you.”

Seeing as I cannot force the man to translate I agreed reluctantly. My mother called to see of the outcome, and by then she had spoken to my sister and husband who I assume convinced her just how wrong the neighbors were to do such a cutting. I asked again about filing a police report as proof that the greek man is cutting the hedges that it is our property and she said, “She said a police report would be wise, and that I should do what you feel is right, and do it in a calm manner.”

Around this time the Cheese rang the bell and came in. I greeted her hello and brought her up to speed, and that I was going to see about filing a police report.

To be honest, at this point in time I did not want to see anyone go to jail, I just wanted to have a report to have as proof that the greek man is cutting down my hedges, I only wanted this in case he continued to cut the hedges down and/or cement over my hedges when I am not there, this way a law suit can be done efficiently and I can put my hedges back in the ground. I only wanted paper evidence of what has happened and verbal or written police warning to cease all cutting of the hedges.

I called 311 and requested to be put through to the non emergency 68th Precint line. The 311 operator asked what it was concerning because she might be able to help. (If you have never used 311, you are missing out. These operators know just about everything in the city and how to go about it quickly.) I explained how my next door neighbor has decided to start chopping down the hedges on my property and that I just wanted to file a report. I figured I would call and ask the precint first if I should go down in person or if they should send a car in a non emergency fashion. The 311 operator informed me that this should go through 911 because it is an act of vandalism / destruction of property, and that 911 legally must be used. So I got transferred over to 911 and had to explain again. I gave them my info and was told police would be there shortly.

I told Cheese of these developments, that the police were on the way, and then I paced around a little. The Cheese told me that she would go watch TV in the Tony Bennett Room while the cops came. I paced some more. Then I couldn’t take the pacing anymore, so I put on a jacket and waited outside.

I was on my stoop for less than a minute when I saw the cop car turn the corner and mosey its way up to my place. Two officers came out, a male and a female officer. From a distance I showed them both my palms so that they could see that I was harmless and so that they would not shoot me.

I explained how I called 311, I just wanted to make a report, and that I was sorry that 311 made me go through 911. I then went on to show what happened and brought them up to speed as to what had happened. The police said that there is no report that could be filed for such a situation, and that since I seemed like a reasonable man and that we should talk to them. Then they asked more questions like these:

Q: Who planted the hedges?
A: The people who built the houses in the 1920s.

Q: How long have I lived here?
A: My whole life.

Q: How long have your neighbors lived there?
A: Since around 1990.

Q: Where’s the property line?
A: Follow a line with your eye from the roof line down, you will be able to see that the hedges are on my side.

Q: Who usually takes care of the hedges?
A: I always do.

Q: Have you eve had trouble with them before?
A: No, I actually help them at times.

Q: Is the man upstairs Italian?
A: No, Greek.

Then the other cop asked the female cop, why did you ask if he was Italian?
A: This sounds like something an Italian guy would do. Just cut it and not ask first.

So then the police rang the door and I stood down the steps. At this point I informed them of the “F bomb” I wrote in the note the day before. They laughed over my usage of the term “F bomb”.

The old lady answered from the porch again. The police informed her that her husband needed to stop cutting the hedges since they are not on his property, and that he should not have cut the front off. The old lady insisted that the hedges were her property, and that her husband had cut the hedge and that he has every right to cut the hedges. The police informed her that it was indeed mine.

At this point she began the process of screaming at the cops and waved her finger down at me saying, “Shame on you!” I remained calm and tried not to say a word, as I did not want to encite anything. The old ladies screaming naturally made everyone open their doors and see what is going on. The downstairs tenant and next door neighbors all wondering what happened.

I asked the downstairs tenant if she spoke greek and if she could try and calm the old lady down. She did, and the old lady calmed down a bit, but was still all riled up.

The cops asked to speak to her husband and replied that he couldn’t go down the stairs since he is 91.

—He can’t walk down to talk to the police, but he can make it down two other times within the previous 24 hours to do the physical task of cutting and bagging hedges—

When hearing that the man was 91 the cops faces dropped and said they they didn’t need to talk to him. The old lady invited them up, and they refused to question him. They turned to me and said, “We don’t want to get the old man all riled up too and have him drop dead on us.”

The cops then asked the old woman why her husband has decided to start cutting my hedges, and she replied with “Because they are in my way, and I don’t like them there.”

This argument is justifiable if at the same time a person insisted that a block full of parked cars in legal parking spots was obstructing their way of walking on the sidewalk. They don’t and it doesn’t…

The old lady told the cops that she would come down and show them how the hedges (which do not move into her way magically) are in her way. The cops did not want her to come down, said goodnight to her, and informed her no more cutting should be done.

As the two officers and I walked away I asked, “What can I do if they keep cutting my hedges?” The police informed me that I would have to go to Landlord/Tenant Court to settle the dispute. I asked if I could have their names and if there was any piece of paper that I could have as proof that I at least went to the police with this matter. I was given their names and badge numbers, along with the 911 ticket number to my call.

As I was writing the information down the cellar door to the neighbors opened up and the old lady shouted, “See, I show you.” The police informed her again that there was no need to. I informed them that she usually brings the garbage out now, and that she is probably doing that.

Sure enough she brought the garbage to the curb. Along the way she made a point to have the bags bump into the hedge line.* She said, “It is in my way.” Then violently shook the hedges. The female cop warned her to stop shaking the hedges.

As this was going on the I spoke to the male cop and informed him that I really am nice to her and her husband, and that I always shovel in front of their place whenever it snows no questions asked. To which the cop replied, “If I were you I would stop shoveling their snow.” Which if you read yesterdays post already knew.

The old lady then told them that she could show them again, to which the cops replied, “No thanks, we got a more important call.” Got in their squad car, and left.

The good thing about this is now I at least have documented proof that she and her husband are responsible for the cutting my hedges illegally, and I at least now know where to go if I need to take further legal action. The bad news is that I will forever have unfriendly neighbors living next door to me, but I guess it’s a good thing that they are old. Oh well…but they just shouldn’t have chopped my hedges.

*The path from her cellar door to the curb is three plus feet wide, and has about five garbage cans blocking most of the path. For whatever reason they do no use the garbage cans, instead they pile big bags of garbage close to their house and pull them around the garbage cans. I also don’t know why she only uses the cellar door to get into her place. The front door has a wide pathway of eight or so feet, it also has a banister, and is much safer than the dark cellar steps.

When I got in and explained it to the Cheese she said it sounded like a Seinfeld or Curb Your Enthusiasm episode. I hope that when I get home no more damage has been done.