Over the past few years SNL shorts have been what I find actually funny on SNL. Here are two that I really like. An oldie and a new one from this past weekend.

Laser Cats

Dick In A Box

Due to the drunken events of last night I will once again attempt to relearn and remember not to mix wines and vodka.

My head, back, tummy and butt are all sore.

On a side note, I am told that I still looked great while butt naked and my head in the garbage can vomiting…

Let me start off by letting it be known that I am an idiot. I’ve had a unicycle in my place for the past few years. It was a left over or hand me down from someone else, and has always been missing one pedal. Since it only had one pedal I never attempted to do the impossible and ride it.

That changed today.

Today while doing laundry I figured I would try to ride it. I went over to the bike shop, filled the lone tire up with air, and then went in and to buy a new pedal. The trick to buying a pedal is that they come in pairs, not as a lone pedal. I was asked plastic or metal. I asked to see both. Then the guy in the shop said the metal came in black. I looked at the black metal pedals, then at the unicycle and saw that black metal ones would look best.

The guy wheeled my unicycle into the back, and had the guy in the back install the new pedals. It was wheeled out looking like cross between a tricked out 18-wheeler and a bride to be. It was beautiful.

I proceeded to wheel the unicycle home where I found out that I needed to do a 2nd rinse on my clothes. While I waited for the 2nd rinse to finish I figured I could use the time wisely and jump on the unicycle to see if I could ride it.

This is when I learned a few things. Balancing on one wheel is way trickier than I thought, metal pedals weren’t the wisest choice to learn how to ride a unicycle, and I was out of good medical ointment supplies.

I tried twice to balance on the unicycle. The first I almost fell on my back. The second time I decided to hold onto a railing to balance myself. I had my right foot on the right pedal, as I went to put my left foot up, the right foot the pedal down, this caused the unicycle to move forward bringing the metal pedal with it’s gorgeous grip spike directly into my shin.

OUCH OUCH OUCH!

It hurt. I went to go for a third try, and then felt my leg. There was a fairly big pump bulging out of my shin, and I was pretty sure I was bleeding. I lifted the pant leg to find that there was a good two-inch straight vertical gash on my shin.

Now I’m no doctor, and since I am one of the brilliant Americans that does not have health insurance I assumed that this did not need stitches. I hope that I am correct with my self-diagnosis, and that my Macgyver-like medical abilities of patching the wound up with some freshly bought Bactine and sterile gauze pads will allow the wound to heal – I hope.

The good news is that the fish head tongue tattoo on my upper shin looks like it is dripping blood from its mouth.

This autumn my Friday nights have been full of me falling asleep on the couch sometime way before 10PM, and then me dragging myself to bed for a good nights sleep – I have an early class on Saturday mornings that requires my waking up around 7AM. Tonight I remember 8PM rolling around, my tummy being full, my couch being comfy, and the throw pillows just perfectly adjusted for my head. Needless to say I was out cold within 20 seconds of resting my head down.

At approximately 12:14AM I woke up and dragged myself to bed. I then proceeded to lay there in my attempt to go finish up the nights sleep. I just spent the last two hours in bed not being tired, and just wishing I would fall back asleep.

I tried everything to nod off. Drank some water, different blanket assortments, milk, talking to the Cheese, rolling over, and eating yogurt – nothing. I am still wide awake! I realize that I wrote everything, and now I’m realizing that I didn’t really try everything, since I didn’t do that trick that makes guys pass out afterwords – I am so not in the mood to whack off.

Uggh…

UPDATE!

I jumped back in bed around 3:15AM, I hadn’t whacked off or anything like that, I just layed there until I fell asleep. Then I got to have some cool dream sequence where I am flying on a big magical carpet that is controlled by a frisbie that I was holding. The carpet was full of people, and the air was packed with other flying magical carpets that had to go through a certain maze like circus safari. Towards the end of the circus safari the were people that were trying to attack the flying carpets by swinging huge snakes at us. One bit me, and I was able to break free and fly away.

Okay, enough with the dreams…

The Cheese gets out of the shower and proclaims that she would be down on having a threesome with me and Parker Posey, with the given excuse of Parker Posey is hot. Other than “a female” I myself didn’t have a description of her and wasn’t sure what she looked like until I did a Google search.

Parker Posey is indeed a hottie…

Now my internet world, as you can see I am in a tiny predicament due to both the Cheese and I having no connection whatsoever to Ms. Posey. Here’s where you can help, yes YOU!

You can make a difference by simply spamming everyone on your email lists, calling everyone you know, and crowding the skies with homing pigeons spreading the great news that the Cheese is willing to have a FFM threesome with both Ms. Posey and myself. Not only tell the world this, but also inform them to try and get the lovely and talented Posey to get naked and jump in bed with us.

Thanks in advance!