Paula is one lucky woman to not have much more of herself all over the news, tabloid talk shows, and television magazines such as ET/Access Hollywood these past two weeks.

While I am not going to dare say that Paula Abdul has been drunk, under the influence of some sort of illegal drug, or even abusing pain killer medications over the past few weeks while on or off TV, I am simply going to say that I noticed that Paula appears to be slurring her words…Slurring lots of her words.

Seeing as someone such as Paula Abdul would never ever touch booze, or abuse drugs whether purposely or accidentally, I will go out on a limb and say that I am worried about her mental state. Since it can’t possibly be that she is drinking 18 vodka tonics and doing three hits of meth a day that is getting her speech all slurred up, it can only be one thing…

Her body is eating her brain!

Yes, I know that this might come as a surprise to some that she has a brain, and it may be unbelievable to others, but I for one don’t see any other viable option as a legitimate answer to Paula’s strange behaviors.

My unscientific process of how I came up with the “Stomach Eating Brain Theory” leads me to believe that roughly 50 % of Paula’s brain has been eaten alive, and the eaten half is somewhere between her small and large intestines.

If things keep up on this pace we will soon begin to see Paula’s head beginning to cave in from her stomach sucking on the walls of her skull in its last ditch effort to eat all of the leftover brain crumbs.

Keep on the lookout for more of her upcoming television appearances.

Here are some videos which I believe should allow you to come to the same conclusion that I have with regards to my “Stomach Eating Brain Theory.”

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Two completely different Youtube links that have been removed from the net.

They show Paula slurring on Regis and Kelly the morning of MLK day. I saw it live, and it was scary. I hope that someone else can put these two back up.

To The Maliciously Mean,

I hope that you self esteem continues to stay in the gutter where it belongs due to your own actions.

Sincerely,
BH

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To The Jerky Boys,

What ever happened to you two? Remember your hayday when you guy had hits such as Jerky Boys, & Jerky Boys 2? I know that you guys got your cover blown up for a while there in the 1990s, but both of you have fallen off the face of the Earth when it comes to prank phone calls on cd that I would actively go out and purchase.

I think that it is about time both of you get back together, jump on the tour bus, and begin making crank calls once again.

Get on that for me, huh, or at least do it for the Egyptian magician…please.

Regards,
Boyishly Crude Phone Call Lovin Beehive

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To The Blatantly Ignorant,

Why are all of you completely ignorant about things? Especially things that are proven facts! Things that were written down during the course of history and should in theory hold up as truthful items of history i.e. countries that held land in the Americas as colonies, Jackie Chan starred in ____ movie, how to make chicken parmesan.

While ignorance is bliss, listening to ignorant people is definitely not.

In fact there is nothing sadder than eating a double cheeseburger at the McDonald’s on 51st and Broadway which is by far the coolest McD’s in history simply for its unicorn with a drooping vagina hanging on the wall (seriously it is there) while being barraged by awful facts that the loud speaker doesn’t know the first thing about, this being done in a literal way without any bit of sarcasm or remorse.

If you believe that Spain was the only country ever to own any and all the land west of the Mississippi River before it became part of the United States you should be stampeded by three herds of buffalo.

For the life of me I cannot fathom how your kind can insist that Jackie Chan had the lead role of Terminator in T2. How????

Let alone that you think you can make chicken parmesan using only fried dough and sugar. It just doesn’t work.

Don’t believe in my “myths” that I just told all of you? That what you say does not match up with actual events, which can be read about and proven correct? Go ahead and just Google any of these three items and you will find scores if not thousands of sites related to the truths behind such items. While you cannot believe everything that you read about on the internet, it would be pretty safe to double check that chicken parmesan recipe with the head chef at an Italian restaurant – I doubt he would neglect to inform you of his fried dough portion to the recipe.

Don’t you just cry poor, and say that you don’t have internet access or that you can’t afford a computer. The library (which is free) has free internet as well as just about every type of encyclopedia ever printed, ever.

Or how about you just ask anyone that has ever seen even a commercial, a poster, or even the dvd cover to T2 and find out who actually starred in it.

So, in hindsight, the next time you want to discuss American history, T2, or recipes while eating at McDonald’s do me a big favor, and don’t open your mouth until you first Google whatever it is that you want to say to your friends, make sure that what you are about to say is somewhat close to true, and then and only then state it.

Thanks.
Beehive

So today I wore a suit to work, not because I really want to impress anyone at my current workplace, and not due to “dressing the part”. I felt the obvious need to wear a suit for an interview that I will have later on in the day, and since I work in a business casual environment that affords me the luxury of being able to wear comfy polo type shirts all year long I am sticking out like a sore thumb as having an interview today.

This morning as a couple of meetings let out the directors that were walking past my cube entrance stopped, took steps back to get a second glance at my glamorous look in a suit and tie with questions and comments along the lines of “Good luck on the interview today!” “Looking good. Interview today?” “Fancy party tonight or an interview?” “Oooh, white shirt. That’s different for you. Interview?” “Love the tie.” “I like your suit.” “I know pretty much everyone on the floor is interviewing, do you have one today? You do, where? Doing what”

I answered all of them with a smile and honesty. Only I left out one part, the hope that of my internal voice inside my head of “I hope I don’t screw it up.” At the same time of my thinking this internally another part of my internal voice tells me “You’re interviewing you for an internship. How hard could the questions being asked be?”

I honestly don’t know the answer to that question…all I know is that lets not go and screw this interview up, okay! Let’s not go and screw up our mindset. Let’s envision only the good things that can come from a good interview:

Different industry + new job + low pay = good times.

Yesterday I attempted to rest and reflect on the life and times of the great Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. My rest and reflection was shattered when I began receiving phone calls from telemarketers. While I could complain about them, I won’t, and for those wondering why I don’t just sign up for the National Do Not Call Listing, I enjoy being apart of surveys and polls from time to time, however, I do not appreciate full on sales calls from people attempting to give me yet another MasterCard and the likes there which.

The first call came, as I was busy cleaning my kitchen, which is only part of how I relax. Anyways, the call was from my satellite television provider. On the other end was a polite woman asking if I would like to upgrade my package and receive “Showtime” package that consists of the eight varieties of the same such channel for the low price of eight dollars extra per month. Seeing as I already have HBO, and seeing as I never agree to anything over the phone that I did not inquire about I politely informed her that I wasn’t interested, wished her a good day, and hung up.

She must have misinterpreted my politeness and took it as my asking her to tell all of her friends to call me with unneeded suggestions of things to purchase carelessly over the phone, which is what ended up taking place.

I ended up leaving the place for various reasons, one of which was lunch with the Cheese, and Mom & Pop Cheese, among other things.

Somewhere in there the phone rang again. Seeing as only six people other than myself know of this phone number, and knowing that five of them already spoke to me within the past 24 hours I immediately had the inclination that it was another telemarketer, and as it was, I felt a little bit betrayed by “Karen” at the Dish Network for ratting me out as being someone who picks up the phone.

I picked up the phone, and said “Hello.”

The person/machine on the other end wasn’t paying much attention to the sound of my voice so I just stood there quietly. I could hear laughter in the background and talk about defense, more laughter, and then “you need better defense.” I began to wonder if telemarketers sat around a television all day in recliners playing Madden Football together while calling up thousands of people a day.

Then the man on the other end realized that someone was on the other end of his phone line. I kept quiet. I heard his many “Hello? Hello? Are you there? Hello? Anybody? Anyone?” for about 30 seconds. I wanted to laugh, and wouldn’t allow myself to, as I wanted to see how long I could keep him on the phone without saying anything. I ran with the cordless phone to the couch that the Cheese was on, motioned with my finger over my lips quiet, and let her listen in on the telemarketer still going, “Hello? Hello? Are you there? Hello? Anybody? Anyone?”

We both had big grins of joy listening to this. The internal feeling that I had was the same one that I used to get as a child making crank calls. Only this time I stumbled upon the prank answer that I never encountered as a crank caller – silence. The Cheese was ready to burst with laughter, and I wanted to do the Beavis & Butthead thing of crank calls and flush the toilet with the phone close to the bowl. I was about to get up to run to the bathroom, and then after the full minute or so of the telemarketer asking if anyone was there and intermittently talking “more defense” among his fellow telemarketers, he hung up on me. He never even told me what he wanted to sell me.

The imaginary glass bulb over my head suddenly went on, and I consciously remembered what to do next time.

Cut to an hour or so later, and the phone rang again, for the third time in a day. Which is an unheard of occurrence for my landline. This time I was really kind of annoyed, and instead of doing the young immature way of answering the phone and informing them that they reached Papa’s Pizza, I just picked up the phone, place it against my ear, and remained silent.

This time I was able to fumbling of the phone on the other end, and a woman anxiously attempting to find someone my end of the phone. “Hello! Hello! Anyone there?!?!” I went to the couch so that the Cheese could hear sooner than later, but by that time, the telemarketer was gone.

I hung up the phone on my end, placed it on the ottoman, and felt like a winner. I felt like I just won a handicapped boxing match of two on one by simply allowing the other people to punch and punch and punch until they tired themselves out.

To The People That I Snub On A Near Daily Basis,

It’s not you it’s me. See, in case you didn’t notice, I don’t want to say hello to you, much less be stuck in a long & awkward drawn out conversation with you. I wouldn’t allow myself to put you in the position of me being unhappy around you. This is for you own good believe me.

Signed,
Don’t Make Eye Contact With Me Either

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To The Most Obnoxious Couple I Have Seen This Week,

The two of you were riding the R train, during the evening commute, and the female in your couple was reading a novel to the male of the couple – aloud. This might be what both of you consider to be a cute thing that you do for one another, but please, you were on the subway! Not in a park. I wouldn’t care who was reading aloud to who, neither one of you was blind or deaf. There was no need to read aloud, let alone read aloud a book that was 50 times thicker than any Berenstein Bear book, ever. In the future, if you both want to read the same book at the same time be lame and read the same pages at the same time, or smash open that piggy bank of yours and spend the $14.95 to buy another copy of the same book.

Seriously,
Someone That Was Not Impressed

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To The Redheaded Man On The D Train,

Every morning this week I have seen you riding the D train in the same general area of the first car that I ride. You have the reddest of red hair that will always make you that redheaded bastard stepchild that people don’t like. Not because we just don’t like you, it’s more so that we don’t like your red hair, particularly the fact that you wear your red hair in a giant phlowbe* on your head.

I must inform you sir that I find your big red phlowbe hairdo to be quite astonishing to look at, and at the same time I want to force you off the train so that I would no longer have to look at you because you are so annoying to look at. I’m sure that I’m not the only passenger to think this, and this is all your fault!

You might have the excuse of “if you don’t like it, don’t look in my direction” – that’s not going to fly here, sir. It is a subway train, when standing on a subway everyone is forced to see everyone else within a ten foot radius around them, and you sir with your damned red hair just stick out like a sore thumb.

If I were to buy you a hat that would conceal all of your hair would you please wear it on the subway? Even if you wore it just in the morning? 8AM is just far too early to see your sight, and I have wracked my brain trying to find what time of day would be best to accidentally see you, and I just cannot figure that out, all I know is that I definitely don’t like seeing you at 8AM.

If you don’t like the hat idea why don’t you just quit your job? Please? For me? Seriously, I’m sure that if I were to follow you to your job, and ask around there what people think of you and your hair they would say things like “Oh, I can’t stand that guy.” “He has too much hair, and it just screams out at the world things like hey look at me, I suck.” Or, “throw an egg at me please.” And, “if that guy got stuck on the elevator all day it would be a good thing for the office. He’s always walking around with his red hair driving people insane with it.” And, “That guy looks like he never even got pity f*cked for having red hair.”

Don’t believe me, sir? If you think that I’m talking about you just walk around your office and ask what people think of you and your red hair, and how they might feel to hear that you were stuck in an elevator all day long. I dare you. You will certainly find out that as a stranger I know your coworkers on a very deep level when it comes to your red hair. Your coworkers don’t like you, I don’t like you, and when you look in the mirror the mirror doesn’t like you.

While all honesty I hope that you can very quickly come to your senses that you should just lock yourself in a dark cellar until you go bald or die, which ever comes first.

Regards,
Beehive Hairdresser

*For those who aren’t familiar with the term phlobe, it is when someone has an enormous amount of hair (usually a man) and wears it in a buffed up swirl pattern, wrapping it around the head with the help of lots of hairspray. Flowbee – It is also the certain suck and cut haircutter.