BeehiveHairdresser.com

The pompous man who championed against freedom of speech in musical content during the 1980s, the same man who invented the internet, used about 191,000 kilowatt hours of electricity in 2006.

Whether or not the energy that he bought came from clean and renewable forms of energy, that is still a tremendous amount of energy for one home to eat up “ especially for someone who claims to be working to save the Earth, and humanity from global warming.

Hey “ it’s not as though clean energy sources such as windmill electric plants, and solar panels take up lots of ground space that could be used to plant trees, or other types of vegetation that would help cool and clean the Earth “ insert sarcasm here.

And before anyone thinks that I’m all gung ho W. Bush “ I think that the man has a pretzel for a brain - not a drop of sarcasm here.

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I haven’t wanted to directly comment on her situation since my gunt comment, which was before she buzzed her head. This post isn’t about that.

Instead it is a post to look into why I’m finding the Spears to be so much hotter now that she has a buzzed head of hair, and went after the photographers that had been hounding her to no end.

At first I thought that it was due to her post two baby athletic look that she was sporting during her rage filled night with that umbrella. That wasn’t it.

Then I thought that maybe it was the fact that she has been acting wild n’ crazy, since in the past I had been attracted to some real whack-a-do crazies, and that maybe this was just some odd characteristic that I found to be hot – but it wasn’t.

What about my finding out that the Spears has some sort of chemical addiction that she should be treated for. While in the past I might have found that side of a ladies personality to be quite a cup of tea, I’ve now grown a few more years and realize that this is not anywhere near to the classification of hot.

Maybe it has something to do with her sporty wardrobe? I like me a gal that feels comfortable in just about anything. No. No, not the reason.

It has to be the short hair. In the past I enjoyed the look of a gal with short hair. Could this be it? I doubt it, because I’ve grown more attracted to longer hair, and since given my past; short hair on women for the most part has been the equivalent of having “I’m loonie” tattooed on ones forehead.

Then I came across this profile photo of myself…

And I realized that the Spears has copied my hairdo, which gives her a similar look to myself. This leads me to believe that the reason I’m finding the Spears to be hotter is cause she looks like me, yes, that’s it!

I find myself to be irresistible, the Spears copies my look, thereby automatically placing herself in the Beehive thinks that person looks good category.

Thank goodness I didn’t find her to be attractive for the wrong reasons.

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I wake up at an ungodly hour from my blaring alarm clock on a Tuesday morning with the thought of “Thank God it’s Friday, I won’t have to wake up this early for the next few days.” Which makes me smile and feel good, only to realize less than five minutes later that I am wrong, and that Tuesdays blow.

I can’t for when my cold to finally be gone, so that I am not as cranky.

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There’s a temp that works on my corner of the floor who I will call Masarati because her real name is just as long and stupid and because I refer to her as Masarati anyways.

I figured Masarati for dead, never to be seen again, because she had been out of vacation way longer than anyone thought she’d be, when today out of the blue, she came back to work. Her vacation to some unknown part of the world is over, and just like Columbus, she has brought back with her disease.

For those readers who aren’t familiar with me I have a slight case of germaphia.

I’m guessing she has TB, or possibly whooping cough. I didn’t even know that people could still get either of those nasty sicknesses this day in age, but it’s obvious to me that she has somehow found both in the farthest corners of the Earth from which she grew up in, and recently visited.

Presently I am in the middle of a nasal cold in its own right. Knowing that I would be coughing, sneezing, and blowing my nose all day long I am taking Robitussin every four hours. This is the only way that could conceive of getting paid to do not much all day, and not drive everyone that I come into contact with up the walls from my germs and symptoms.

Masarati on the other hand chose no precautions in her return to work. She just said fuck it, I’m sick, I will spread my germs, and skeeve everyone within earshot out with my coughing.

Every three to five minutes she has a coughing fit. She’s should be a roadside attraction due to her timing capabilities in relation to coughing. Her coughs aren’t full coughs; just a soft breathed wheezing, mixed in with bouts of flemy/mucus gushing in and out of her air passageway. I think that my face is officially stuck on a look of grossout.

Whatever it is that Masarati has, it cannot be good for anyone that has lived his or her entire life west of Afghanistan.

UPDATE!!!

It’s 2:50PM and my head now hurts from having to listen to the day long barrage of coughing fits. Part of me wants to just go over there and tell her to shit or get off the pot, which in this case would translate to either cough up that loogie, drop dead from illness, or quit your damn coughing.

UPDATE 02/27 12:12PM

Masarati is still coughing up a storm, and yesterday I had a coworker stop by that didn’t believe me on how much she was coughing. In less than four minutes we heard seven or eight hacking fits, which left us in tears of quiet laughter.

UPDATE!!! 02/28 10:03AM

If Masarati would have taken one step for each coughing fit that she has had this week, she would have made it to Milwaukee by now.

UPDATE 03/01 04:03PM

If Masarati were a flat tire I would have thrown her into the ocean already. While it isn’t in my nature to pollute, I wouldn’t mind seeing her sink to the bottom of the ocean because she still will not stop her incessant coughing fits…

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Have traditionally been lame and plain old awful to watch, and this year was no different – it is this reason that I don’t have a clue as to why people are having nonsense small talk about how bad of a show it was this year – it basically sucks every year.

My highlights of the entire thing are:

1. Eddie Murphy told Barbara Walters one whopper of a lie when he said that right now is the best time of his life and that there were no ripples in the water whatsoever. Hmm… apparently having to go through a paternity test soon with a former lover :cough scary spice cough: to see if you are indeed the true father of her baby to be, and darting accusations of having sexual affairs with the transgendered folk is truly just another day in the sun, not a cloud in the sky, not a ripple on the water. I honestly don’t know how Walters doesn’t flat out laugh until she cries when she gets answers like yours during an interview.

2. Sandra Oh, indeed looked ugly to my eyes – still, while both Helen Mirren and Streep looked so F-able for some odd reason.

3. Jessica Biel looked awful. I wonder if she got her hairstylist out of a crackerjack box for the event last night, and her gown looked like a cheap cut up rug.

4. Ellen stayed fairly true to her good comic wit. She did a great hosting job, while having no hoity toity Billy Crystally type of annoying nose up in the air attitude about hosting the Oscars.

5. The Departed and Scorsese both did not get screwed – FINALLY!

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This is for you. Enjoy.

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It’s a Friday, I am fed up with office politics, and I just want to go all Anthony Anderson al la Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle in my office, but I can’t because I will get fired.

Instead I will go put my junk mail back into a different groups mailbox to take the piss out of their admin, again.

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Yesterday I went to a Nutritionist to verify that I am eating healthy in a way to gain muscle mass. It was also the only time in my life when I wished that I had an eating disorder, because without an official eating disorder my health insurance isn’t paying for my visit to a nutritionist. Apparently they would rather pay for the medical bills of people who never knew that there was a healthier way of eating, when their liver or kidney shuts down - they’d rather pay tens of thousands of dollars to allow the person to suffer miserably.

So now I’m officially out $125.00 - OUCH!

Did they think that I only went to see a Nutritionist so that I could make a new friend in the form of someone with a Masters of Nutrition while whoring her out to Cigna’s health insurance plan coverage?

This would have been partly true in my case, because when the Nutritionist was walking me through the hallway to her office I noticed that she hadn’t zipped up the back of her skirt fully, and her butt crack was being flaunted with each step that she took.

Having just met her, I didn’t dare say anything along the sarcastic lines of “Nice ass.” “So that’s what yours looks like!” Or “You sure keep yourself clean back there!” Instead I just peeked, and stayed quiet about the whole thing, cause that’s what new friends are for, while wondering if she had just been fooling around with someone in her office when I rang her buzzer.

Before I went, I had to keep a food journal of what I had been eating for about a week, and all of that anal retentive work and patience on my part gave the Nutritionist the thoughts of “You’ve been eating really good for the most part already. You should try eating some nuts as a mid morning snack instead of a Power Bar. Also, try and squeeze in some more fruit, vegetables, and an extra slice of bread.”

I walked away slightly disappointed, and I think that this was due to my hoping that she would have informed me of some secret food group that I had never heard of, a food group that only the chosen people can find out about, one that was delicious, low cost, and easy to make, but alas, none of that happened – apparently I am not one of the chosen ones, but at least I got to see part of her behind…

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The pizza guy in the cafeteria was selling personal “MARGHERITA” pies.

It looked so good that I think I would like to grab some frozen margherita’s after work…

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All of you can stop all of the worried emails to my attention, and to answer a few people who will remain nameless, no, I did not give up blogging during Lent.

There was an unfortunate fall involving a loved one that required a visit to the ER, (everyone is fine with the exception of being really sore and will be fine long haul) which was interesting for me in the fact that there were lots of creepy people being cared for in the ER, and while I was waiting outside the CT Scan room a dwarf technician or doctor of sorts came out of the CT Scan room. It was so cool!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, little people just make things better, they make me smile, and it’s so true. I was standing there worried that there might be some brain swelling or bleeding, when the CT Room door swung open, a woman who appeared to be in her 50s, with the shortest of hair that was bleached blonde stepped out, and all of 4’4” tall – poof a dwarf - proceeded to walk past me into a room that had “screams” coming out of it. The sight of the little person made me feel quite relaxed, and happy.

God bless America, land of the dwarves!

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I just posted this as a comment on Will McKinley’s blog. His blog is almost always a good read, and the comment might amuse my readers here too.

In Hawaii a friend had the room right next to mine, and he ordered a porn that he just didn’t like, and asked to swap out to a different one.

The hotel did this free of charge, only my friend didn’t enjoy what the hotel gave him next.

This went on a handful of times until the front desk was tired of knowing that my friend just couldn’t get off on the porn that the hotel was supplying, so the front desk just turned on all of the channels for his room at the price of one, and said that they couldn’t help him on the matter anymore.

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Saturday morning I had the post sex thought of wondering if it was possible to write the word “blog” using only my fingers.

I’m a genius…

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My really long nose hair has grown back.

Yes, it’s true, thanks to the three day weekend I found plenty of time to sit around and play with my fingers up my nose, now I can once again feel it with my finger at the tip of my nose, and play with it and feel as though it is connected to my brain.

Way cool!

More laters…

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I know that I wouldn’t possibly be able to have a great weekend if I were not to write a post that shows my honest and deep desire to get to know my readers who currently reside in the great country of China.

Great to see you, my readers of China, how’s the family? Kids doing good in school? Great, that’s wonderful. So, what’s your opinion on the thought of Britney Spears growing her bush back out?

As we all know over the past few months Brit has been caught pale crotched and fully shaved by photographers numerous times as she has come and gone assumedly in various drunken states of mind, out of cheesy nightclubs clubs, all over the world.

I for one have applauded Brit’s use of razors and other types of hair removers as though she were a Jewish or Italian mother feeding a guest at the dinner table as much as the next guy, but lets all come to our senses here. There might be a day when Brit might get bored with looking down and seeing what her lips look like while flapping in the wind below her gunt, and just might decide to spice her life up in the form of letting her pubes grow back all the way, thereby allowing herself to look like some chick that costarred alongside John Holmes in the 1970s.

Where would that leave us?

In a slightly better great place, that’s where.

Not only would I not mind seeing this happen at all. For I am a man that enjoys spicing things up now and then, I’ll have you know that I ate peach yogurt today instead of strawberry yogurt. Yes, I am that flexible.

Not only would Brit’s female parts be warmer, although slightly more hidden from the paparazzi that we like to call “Uncle” around the holidays, but if Brit grew her crotch out, the world would be a better place. We would have little pieces of Brit floating through the air in which we breathe as we walk by the muffed up one, and I for one think that would be grand.

Just imagine a hot summer day, it’s 97F degrees out, with full 100% humidity, you go to the local pizzeria for a Gino’s Italian ice, you get a large rainbow flavored cup full, go about your ways, eating it as you walk along the Hudson River next to West Side Highway, when you happen to cross paths of a fully crotch haired Britney Spears that has been up for four days straight and last showered a week earlier when she was in Rio. How exciting!

First you would take note of her outfit for submittal to gawker/stalker, and then you would whip your cell phone out to take a photo, and then you’d keep going about your business pretending that nothing cool just happened while you go back to eating your Italian ice. During all of commotion in your brain, of its registering that Britney Spears is in front of you, you never noticed that three really long jet black wavy shaped pubes flew out of Brit’s crotch and landed in your Italian ice, and then you kept eating, until you got to the bottom of the cup, where you then had to bend the cup on the sides to create a good crease for all of the last bits of melted ice and three Brit pubes to slide down your throat, and you choked on them!

How cool would that be? Very cool!

It would go down as one of the best and most unbelievable stories that you would be able to drunkenly tell everyone that you ever met again in life.

Seriously, my friends in China, think about it.

Also, might I be able to interest you and your friends in the purchase of a pocket rocket, and or a bunny? Check them out over to the far right of this page. They’re good for you.

-Beehive

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I am very grateful that I learned to drive by going to a four hour driving school rather than through Drivers Ed in high school. Something tells me that Drivers Ed would not have ever informed me what DWA was, unlike the four hour course. My proctor at the four hour course was an Asian man around the age of 50, and he went through the definitions of DWI, DUI, and then asked if anyone knew about DWA – Driving While Asian.

I kid you not, the man went on for nearly a half an hour about how most Asian people how absolutely no idea of how to drive safely, how Asian people are the most probable cause of most accidents, and even went on to give the main avenues of NYC’s various neighborhoods that have the highest of the Asian populations to have us check out their poor driving skills ourselves.

He even went on to say that DWA is the most dangerous kind of driver, then informed us that he and his daughter were pretty much the only two Asians that could drive safely, and then went on about how his wife, who was Asian, was one of the most unsafe drivers he’s ever seen.

Had I never heard of DWA, I most likely would have had to classify the Asian driver who stopped directly in the white lines of the crosswalk, which blocked the pathways cut through the snow, only to drive through the red light after I walked behind the car yesterday morning, as a douche bag, instead I must take a step back and say to myself, “it’s not her fault she was born Asian.”

Thank you for simplifying my life, four hour driving course instructor.

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