Craigslist

A couple of years ago craigslist burst into my world as a place that magic could happen. It was a place that I could get just about anything I wanted, should I really really want it. It seemed as though everyone was secretly using it without ever daring admit it in public, for fear of shame being cast down upon them – it was most everyone’s dirty little secret.

Now that CL is no longer the newest thing since sliced bread and since I have a steady Cheese and we’re in an ltr, CL is completely not appealing anymore for certain things that I may or may not have used it for in the past – I’m talking tail here, folks.

Anyways, people who used CL were able to find tail at all hours of the day, and be able to make plans to meet within minutes.

I know this to be true based on this particular true-life experience.

See, my friend who I need to call “Jenny” in this read to protect her identity had two dates lined up for one weekend a couple of years ago. One was a date with a dude, and one was with a hot lipstick lesbian, both were with people that she plucked and planned with off of the glorious CL website while she was wasting time at her day job.

Her dude date was for a Saturday night, and it didn’t go well. The two of them just didn’t click; he was too awkward for her to deal with, so she ended up going home alone that night.

This didn’t seem so bad to her at the time because she was highly anticipating her Sunday afternoon date with that hot lipstick lesbian.

Doesn’t that sound good? It just rolls of the tongue – hot lipstick lesbian.

Anyways, her CL female date ended up calling her and canceling that Sunday morning.

Jenny was bummed out at the prospect of her weekend appearing as though it would end up being a bust, and she text messaged me to say how bad it sucked.

I ended up calling her up to cheer her up, and thought she should place a new add up on CL to find some new easy tail. To this, she informed me that she only had access to the internet at her day job.

I wasn’t going to allow my friends internet access situation keep her down. So, while on the phone with her, and without her knowledge I placed an ad up on CL’s “Casual Encounters” which at the time was like a bucket of horned up bunny rabbits overflowing – I imagine that it still is.

The ads title was “My Friend Jenny Needs To Get Laid!!!!”

And the content of the ad basically gave no knowledge of her as a person, other than she had one bad date the night before, had a late cancellation to her afternoon date, and well, that she really want lots of sex before the weekend was up.

After it was placed, I informed Jenny of what I had done, and was curious to see if she was game for my judgment on which anonymous person would be a good match for her. She laughed and was game for it in a heartbeat.

Within ten minutes I had over 70 emails from men, women, and couples that were very interested in Jenny.

Most people sent photos; it was this day that I realized that lots of men think that sending a pic of their manhood is a great way for them to land a date, even if the ad specifically said that I was a dude helping out my female friend.

Some of the men and couples looked promising (she was not interested in dealing with another woman that day after the late cancellation) and I emailed them back while describing them to Jenny.

Keep in mind that I did not have a photo of Jenny to show anyone, so it’s fair for me to assume that all of these people that responded were ready to have sex with a wooden chair if I placed a wig and a dress on it while calling it Jenny – I mean they were really horned up, and this gave me a weird vibe from most of them.

Then I came across a guy who didn’t send a photo, and wrote only something along the lines of “Hi, my name is John, I’m 28, and I have a 14 inch johnson.”

That was all that he wrote, and for some reason this short email without a photo seemed to speak volumes of truth to me – despite this nearly mythic touting of his having a 14-inch member.

I told Jenny about the good feeling in the hunch that I had about this 14-inch guy, and she asked for more about him. A few emails later Jenny was telling me to send him her phone number.

Within 30 seconds of sending it, I heard Jenny’s landline ringing, and she muffled her cell that had me on, this way she could keep her pre-coital conversing a mystery to me.

After nearly ten minutes of me desperately trying to hear their conversation Jenny came back on my line, she told me that the guy didn’t seem crazy, and that she had set up a date for 4PM at the Sketchers store in Times Square.

I let her get off the phone to prep for her “date”, wished her luck, and reminded her to stay safe.

The next day at work I got a thank you email from her, which informed me that she had a great time with the guy. I had to call her to get the details of her date, and see if he was telling the truth about the 14 inches.

The summation of her date to me was something along the lines of:

“He was waiting in the store for me, we walked around pretending to be looking at sneakers, and then after 20 minutes we got on the subway and went back to Queens and did lots of sexin in my bed.”

Her statement immediately left my question open, so I excitedly asked, and her response was, “I didn’t measure it, but it was huge, and I am no longer afraid of having sex with a black man, or “Macho Ralph”. Macho Ralph was a guy that she took home twice before but couldn’t go all the way with him out of fear of his huge size.

This made me shriek with laughter, and I was very happy that it all worked out for her, and it made me even more happy knowing that my intuition on a one sentence email sans photo would be a good match for my friend Jenny.