The news that I received over the weekend of my brother in laws friend having been found dead of an apparent and most likely drug overdose, inside of a YMCA in Jersey, has made me think about some circumstances that I might not find to be all that bad to die under given that we all have to die, and that quick deaths are better than slow ones, and that quick painful deaths are way better than slow painful deaths, and that really odd deaths are always more fun than heart attacks, and car accidents.

Just remember, I’m in no shape or mindset to go anytime soon.

Shark Attack  As long as I could see land somewhere, and knew that it is nearly impossible to swim back to shore, I think that a shark attack in which a good portion of me is eaten wouldn’t be that bad.  The entire time that the shark and I are fighting to my bitter death, I would be thinking How cool would it be if someone from the shore is watching this through binoculars right now!  This is a story that they will be telling their grandkids.  This one thought makes it all worth it for me.

Sunflower Attack  I’ve always had the thought that if any flower or plant could grow a mind of its own and begin walking, that it would definitely be a sunflower.  Seriously, they have those big round shaped flowers in the shape of a head, and those flowers are in the exact place that a head should be - if it were to walk upright. 

Scene:  It’s a grassy field in the rolling hills of Upstate New York.  I’m walking through the field by myself, when all of a sudden I spot one tall and visibly angry sunflower coming my way.  The sunflower sees me, points at me, then motions across its throat with some leaves the you’re dead sign, then it starts plucking out its sunflower seeds, and hurling them at me like there’s no tomorrow.  I try to run, but the sunflower is too fast for me to escape, and then when it gets close enough it knocks me to the ground, and proceeds to beat me dead as if it’s the Joe Pesci character from Goodfellas. 

I wouldn’t mind this one, simply because throughout my being attacked I would keep thinking to myself that any medical examiner that examines my corpse would be left completely clueless as to why there were sunflower seeds jammed in my back, and why the black and blues were had the shape of some unknown object.  As such, they wouldn’t ever be able to solve my death. 

This would create such a mystery and folklore that would have it that aliens kidnapped me, found my packet of sunflower seeds, didn’t like them, and had me whacked because of it.

Elephant Attack  As long as it somehow involves me attempting to save someone that inadvertently wandered into the elephant exhibit at the Bronx Zoo, I’m fine with being trampled, and tossed around like a rag doll for the spectators, and maybe, just maybe, it would become a daily event.  At 1:50PM each day, Bronx Zoo officials would announce,

Ladies and Gentlemen, our elephant show begins in ten minutes.  You don’t want to miss the Beehive Hairdressers mauled body being tossed around like a rag doll by two elephants for 15 minutes until they get bored.  Remember, only ten minutes to til show time!

Giant Squid Attack  If I were ever in the predicament of finding myself alone, floating, exhausted, in the middle of an ocean, when all of a sudden a giant squid attacks me, I think my being eaten would be an amazing thing.  Going out this way would allow me to not have to continue the suffering of a long and drawn out death by dehydration, or suffer death from sun blisters, and the entire time that I’m being attacked I would be thinking about how cool it is to see a giant squid in action.  I would be able to see the mouth opening and closing and it getting bigger and bigger, and for some odd reason I envision a giant squid not only eating me, but slicing me into pieces as I pass through its mouth.  The wonder would grow and grow to such a point that I would have to dive head first into its mouth to see what happens out of curiosity.

Zebra Attack  I always thought of zebra’s as being peaceful and gentle animals similar to horses, only with stripes, however, horses can be angry animals too.  Given this, I wouldn’t put it past a zebra attacking me at any moment in time.

I imagine a zebra attacking and killing me to go something along these lines:

(Giggling) Hey, check out that zebra.

Wow, a zebra!  Now that’s a really beautiful animal.

Look at its cool stripes.

Wait, why the heck is a zebra running loose in Union Square?

Is that thing charging at me?

OWWWW!

Help, this zebra is attacking me!

(Laughing) I mean it!  This thing is really giving it to me.

I think this thing wants me dead!  Help!

Why aren’t any of you helping me?

I think I’m bleeding, but I can’t see that part of my back to know for sure.

(Laughing) Don’t any of you have any compassion?

Can I just see that photo that you just took of me on your sleek new digital camera?

(Laughing) This thing really hurts!

Wait, I can’t see the LCD from that far away, can you come a little closer?

This zebra has a really beautiful coat of hair.  It’s so soft.

(Laughing to the point of tears) Don’t you stick your zebra ass in my face!

And, dead!!! I bet you didn’t think that I envision a zebra sitting on my face until I died as being the way I went, but in my book, that is the mostly likely scenario.  My obituary would read:Beehive Hairdresser, aged 26 years.  Saw the zebra, and didn’t think quick enough.