I hadn’t seen him in months, and I thought about him almost everyday.  I thought about all the fun we had together, and how was always able to make me feel good about myself in less than 20 minutes of his presence.

 

He was my beacon of hope that I had consistently brushed aside so that I could sit around a play video games, sip my vodka tonics, and waste my life force while surfing the internet – for months on end.  He was my rock, and I missed him.

 

Of course I’m talking about none other than fitness guru Tony Little.

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He came into my life like a bat out of hell late in the winter of 2006.  It was a winter that marked lots of newfound freedoms and lots of time sitting on a stool drinking the endless flow of Stella.  Oh Stella, I miss you too.

 

All of this hanging out with Stella did one thing to me, well two things actually, first, it got me drunk, and secondly, it ended up giving me a small beer belly for the first time in my life, a life that had up until then been lived in the style of being the svelte nearly hairless wonder that I had always been.

 

Gone were the days of my natural six pack abs, it was the last beacon of life that I had known only as a given, and I now had to face the world knowing that there really was never going to be anything else in life that was just given to me, ever again.

 

I’d like to say that I cried at this realization, and instead I found myself dry eyed, confused, and annoyed.

 

Having remembered how big my dad’s gut was at times, this newfound small gut of mine had to go ASAP.  I wasn’t about to allow it to grow like the invasive yuck that it was.  I needed to drastically cut back on the amount of time that I was spending with Stella, and wanted to spend more time with an 8 Minute Abs on DVD.

 

I wanted to be all Lucille Roberts-like, trim down, and flatten my tummy.  I looked high and low for this DVD, and even swallowed my pride big time by asking people that worked at both DVD and exercise stores if they had 8 Minute Abs on DVD - I asked multiple employees at said stores, and each time I asked, I blushed from sheer embarrassment at the sound of “8 Minute Abs” rolling off my tongue.

 

Turns out, no one had it.  This left me with the task of finding something that would be just as good.  Two hours of looking at just about every fitness DVD case at Virgin Records, and I found it – Tony Little’s Ab Reduction DVD.

 

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Having no job to go to everyday, I started waking up at 11AM, and after my usual morning nap that I would have a mere 45 minutes after getting out of bed, I would get down to business with the abs DVD. 

This DVD bacame my own personal meth addiction, minus all the negatives.  Many a day was spent doing lots of varied crunches, and soon enough I had lost my beer belly, but sadly wasn’t able get the abs that I once had – the kind that came from no effort.

 

At first I was kind of disappointed in the fact that Tony wasn’t yelling at me during the entire DVD, part of me wanted him to yell and be all manic, the way he is when pitched the Gazelle (pictured above), instead he came across more caring, and Tony Robbins-like – which was good in and of itself.

 

Months went by, and I kept at it.  “SQUEEZE! SQUEEZE! SQUEEZE!” would be all that I heard from Tony – in regards to abs, ya perv!

 

Then a week went by, and I didn’t touch the DVD, then another, and another, and another, for months on end - until last night.

 

Last night, I was ready to meet that old pal of mine, the one that always had a smile on his face when I would see him, the one that would put a smile on mine, and now today, I left feeling great.  Great in the sense that Tony Little is back in my life, and helping be completely ready for the big upcoming test, and or maybe, just maybe, a morning show reporter interview.