After an eventful winter involving my next door neighbors that has left any and all friendly attitudes and neighborly giving burned like the biggest bridge imagined they still make me wonder in amazement.

After not only attempting to chop down and kill my hedges, not apologize, then blow me off when I attempted to have them cease, and have them yell “shame on you” at me when the police were finally involved – then proceed to walk by as if nothing happened with the only difference being their looking away in anger from me… they have done it again. 

Since I’m home today I was watching the History Channel in the Tony Bennett Room.  I began hearing some rumbling ever now and then for a few minutes from what appeared to be my backyard.  I finally got up to look out a window, only to find mean old next door lady having her fold out chair in my backyard. 

Thinking that she was planning a point of attack against my flowers and plants I quickly put pants and sneakers on to run out and surprise her in the act.  As I went to get my cell phone I saw a guy standing just below another backyard window.  He was fiddling around with the wires of either my phone or satellite dish. 

“Can I help you?”  As I opened the window fully.

“No, I’m just looking?”  He said.

“No, seriously, what the hell are you doing in my backyard?”

“Checking your phone line.”

“My phone is working just great.  The telephone pole is over there.  Why aren’t you?”

“Your neighbors phone isn’t working right, so I’m checking yours.”

“Check it up there.  Our lines have nothing to do with one another at the house D-Marks.”  As I point to the telephone pole.

“If you want me to get off your property I will.”

“Please do.”

The phone company guy closes my box up, looks down in annoyance, and walks to go back over the four foot high chain link fence the the neighbors who I will never be neighborly to again.

As he walked I said, “Sorry for being mean to you, it’s just that I don’t like those neighbors.” 

He chuckled, and went off.

Now I have to go out get a couple of big planters, and plant some roses or thorny bushes in the spots that they can come over – cause being green is neighborly!

Today marks the end of Fleet Week here in NYC, although there with be sailors in uniform here in the city for weeks to come that are not part of Fleet Week.  I might just be the only one that’s glad to see those guys get out of my city.

Yes, I am very grateful for people volunteering their time, lives, and for all the skills that they each bring with them to serve and protect our country as a whole, however, I’m not a fan of drunken sailors running through the city thinking that they are kings of the world – which happens in NYC in late May each year.  Not by most of them, but only a few rotten ones ruin the bunch.

Plus what I really see when I see these allegedly good boys running around our city in uniform, is something that is different than what most see, and it’s based off of what a former Navy man told me about his trips overseas.  I always picture all of these sailors in their white uniforms waiting on long lines for the nurse station back at their ships after stopping off in foreign ports, and partying with the local prostitutes, who in turn gave them some burning stds – literally burning, how they would be holding themselves on their crotch, and doing little dances to try to keep their weiners from what I’m told from burning off completely.

Next time you see a sailor, just imagine how he looked while waiting in line to fix his syphilis after stopping port some 6,000 miles away. 

WOOO HOOO!!!  Today I have off from work and was hoping to sleep in really late this morning.  As I began to toss and turn at the beginning of my waking up I could have sworn that it was maybe 10 or 11AM and thought for a second WOW!  I really caught up on lots of sleep today.  Then I squinted over at the clock to see that it was in fact only 7:54AM.  This proves once again the party animal that I am.

So yeah, I get to play Vice City Stories, do laundry, water my now blooming summertime garden, play with my cat, oh, and let’s not forget the best thing ever, go to the doctors and talk about things that they’ve ruled out and other possible things that I may or may not be dying from.  All that I know so far is that Hepititus has been ruled out, and that’s good, cause that means that I was able to sleep with Pam Anderson numerous times without getting infected.*

All these tests is why I don’t like modern medicine.  Doctors are cautious as a bunch, and as such will test you for everything when “something doesn’t look right”.  Then they’ll keep you stressed out the entire time while they continue to look for possibilities of things that might be wrong with you.  I know that all of you are full of envy at this prospect, but please you shouldn’t be.

It partly makes me wish that I lived in any time before modern.  A time where only the strongest survived past childhood, and then if as an adult if you were going to die from something you would just die without much warning.   You’d just be walking along somewhere one day, feel the crippling pain somewhere, collapse, and then writhe in pain for however long it was until you went.  No worrying about having that moment happen years before the actual time…such a  simple life.

*I have never slept with Pam Anderson, she was the one who always slept with me.

So Lindsay Lohan had one heck of a weekend.

This post will be all that I say about Linday until she pulls an Anna Nicole ends up in the news again, which is that Lindsay Lohan is the modern day Corey Haim.

Yes, sad indeed, while they both have drug problems at least Lohan doesn’t just lookgirly. 

I’m fairly sure that we can all picture poor little Lindsay in 20 years looking even crappier than she does now, and when we go to write our blogs about the new modern day Lindsay the only pics we’ll be able to find on the internet are the ones that are 20 years old, just like the Haim’s case. 

Yes, so sad will we be that our little Lindsay will have to be relegated to having this picture being the most relevent when we future google search her and drugs.

This picture will only let us wonder what ever happened to all of the really bad pictures of her.

My personal advice to the Linds would have to be this…try your hardest to get back to being the apparent beard for that guy from That 70s Show.

You just might live to be 40.

I’ve found the most disgusting human being alive!

She rides the R train in the mornings a little before 8AM during the week, probably on her way to think up more ways to be disgusting her job as a nurse of some sort.

I know less than zero about this woman, but from what I’ve seen on the surface, she is most likely the dirtiest human being alive right now, and she does it on purpose!

See, while she might appear to be clean and “normal” in passing, if you were to look closer you would see that there is something odd about her face.  Besides the fact that she’s missing half of one eyebrow, her face has a little extra shine, and some extra speckles and globs of dirt on it if you will.  

If you were to see her on the R train you would know why.  It’s because she puts Vaseline all over her face each morning!  No, not moisturizing lotion, but Vaseline petroleum jelly, that type of Vaseline.   

If you’re not familiar with what Vaseline does to anything that its on, then the one thing that you will need to know is that any and all types of dirt that touches Vaseline gets stuck to Vaseline. 

Back in the third grade my class did a science experiment to see just how dirty the air is when it comes to pollution.  We took four empty mayonaise jars, globbed them up all over with Vaseline and then shoved them up our teachers ass (no you perv) placed the jars all over the schools outdoors premises.  One was closer to where we walked everyday, another was in the garden, another in the schoolyard, and the last was on our classrooms windowsill. 

We would then go around each week to see what had become of each empty jar covered in Vaseline, and each week we saw that they got filthier and filthier, until after a month we couldn’t see anything on any of the jars other than black soot. 

While I realize that the empty mayo jars never showered, and that this lady may very well shower on a daily basis.  All of her showering is for naut, and by globbing her face with Vaseline each morning she is only inviting more and more dirt to her face.  It’s disgusting, and completely unknown as to why anyone would do such things with Vaseline.  Note: if you want to be experimental with Vaseline, use an empty mayo jar, not your face!

Her face is a sad face indeed, as it just gets more and more filthy and disgusting with each and every passing hour of the day.  Until finally, she gets home, sits down, picks up her latest copy of a Nicholas Sparks book, then proceeds to pick her face clean from all of the filth that it acquired throughout the day.  (I assume to tell you the truth)  And while I’m assuming going to continue to give out first hand knowledge, I’ll go out on a limb ahead and bring you more facts, and say that she boils all of the pollution and filth that she picks off her face each night into a stew, freezes it, and takes it to work the next day to have lunch.  She’s a penny pincher in that way.  (I assume.)