BeehiveHairdresser.com

Check out this infant of a bee I found sitting on top of a blooming daisy in my backyard.

It had just rained in torrential down pours the night before, and this little guy was cleaning himself off while bathing in a sea of pollen.

Also, how cool is that daisy bloom!?!?!?!?!

No Comments »

I highly recommend that if you have the free time tonight you should see this, or if you need to blow off a wake, you should still see this by blowing the wake off without hesitation!

In either case, I highly recommend that you see my good friend Rob Shapiro be MAN!  Tonight!!!

There is no pulling of your legs when I say that he is a genius comic with hysterical riffs and rants, insanely funny characters, and pathetically hilarious stories.

He owns the stage and is well deserved of his self proclaimed title “King of Total Stream of Consciousness”!!!

The poster says $10, but his MySpace bulletin says free, so I’m really not sure if it’s free or a $10 cover - so if need be call ahead to Mo Pitkin’s to inquire exact price - if any.  However, 10 bucks sounds like a deal considering that you’re likely to get enough belly laughs to make you forget everything else going on in your life.

Mo’s is located at 34 Ave A between 2nd and 3rd Streets. 

2 Comments »

Last night I slept with the covers on.  It was hot as balls everywhere.  I didn’t have my air conditioner in the window, and yet still had those covers on.

In the middle of the night I could feel the Cheese struggling to get some covers on her at 5AM, as it gets cold in my neighborhood at night due to its proximity to the waterfront - I had been hogging them covers.

Then this morning when I woke up, Cheese asked how I could sleep in this heat with the covers on. 

My answer was simply this, “the covers protect me from the ghosts and boogie men that haunt my place each night…and it also protects me from being murdered by the ghost of Chris Benoit.”

.

.

.

While I did say those exact things to her this morning.  I can’t help but ask…too soon?

No Comments »

It’s hard to believe that this little baby is now a one year old as of today, and is now deserving of its own Cookie Puss.

Yes, let’s take a look back in time, and reflect on the first year.

Remember when I first started this blog as a way to keep me from losing my mind from working at such an awful job?  And then the post that I wrote about my then boss that last day of working there?  Man, am I glad that those days are long gone, and also that I’ve learned not to do many things with postings.

Or how about those subway stories, huh? Remember when a gal sneezed on my face, or the time that I had really bad gas, then posted a Missed Connection on Craigslist that eventually got picked up by Gawker, or the time that a bum plucked a crab from his crotch?  Dang it, I’d love to live those all over again.

And who can ever forget the goings on of my nose…here, here, or here.  I really need to start keeping my fingers out of there.

Anyways, I’d just like to the fours of you who read this blog.  Now go out and eat some clementines for me. 

3 Comments »

I took Cheese to the Mets game this past Saturday evening, and as a cheap side thrill, we caught a fight in the stands.

From when I started seeing the action, there was a big tall heavyset guy that was in the walkway looking down at the group of young white wannabe thugs that had been attempting to cause trouble on the walkway while I stood in line for ice cream earlier in the night, and there was a group of people beginning to stand up around them all to watch. 

The big guy appeared to be the back up of the “real fighter”, who was a muscle head guido wearing a wife beater, who also just happened to be overly tanned.

The guido was standing on the steps talking up about wanting to fight the faux thugs, and yet wasn’t doing anything but talk.  All the while the faux thugs were white as ghosts at the thought of getting into a fight…

Only after security finally arrived did the guido finally make faux attempts to take swings and actually fight.  Personally I thought it was great that security finally arrived, cause I was hoping that they would take the guido away - to stop him from looking like the wussy fool he actually was. 

As security took him off up the steps, the big tall guy went down to set the faux thugs straight with only his words.  While this was happening the wussy guido ran up from behind the bunch and sucker punched the one faux thug closest to him in the left eye. 

Everyone saw it happen as it came out of left field, and the faux thug who got hit, stood there, took it, and then waited for the wussy guido to turn and walk away.  Only then did the faux thug sucker punch the wussy guido in the back of the head. 

It was the lamest and dumbest thing that could have happened out of the situation.  Both side could have easily have just walked away without fighting, and without getting arrested…

No one else threw a punch.  Security came over more, and took both guys out.  Most likely to the little jail cell inside Shea Stadium, and were most likely arraigned on Monday morning - whether they wanted to press charges on each other or not.

Those two fools ended up missing to only actual exciting baseball action that occurred in the bottom of the 9th inning, and more importantly, those two fools most likely ended up having to either sit right across from each other in the tiny cells, or worse, sit in the same cell together - while they could only hear the crowded stands cheering as the Mets won. 

I imagine that they both just sat there mumbling underneath their breath about how it was the other guys fault.

In any case, those morons ended up missing a great ending to a great pitchers game.  Here’s to you, morons!

3 Comments »

I ran into Irish & Jew this morning, or maybe more appropriately, I saw Irish and Jew, and they wondered who was blabbering “Irish & Jew” at them while wielding a banana at them on the subway.

They were laughing up a storm on the moving walkway of the 23rd Ely subway station, and I was heading off to work, weaving in and out of people who walked as if they were using all of their brain capacity to do so. 

From afar I thought to myself, “Is that Irish and Jew?  It is?  Is it?  Yeup, it is.” 

Then as we got closer towards one another I’d like to say that I said hello to them as I was looking for my birthday envelopes of cash from them, but no, no indeed.  Instead I did what I normally do, which I know I shouldn’t do but usually end up doing anyways without even thinking, and got all excited about recognizing someone and started blabbering something. 

Today it was “Irish, Jew” - repeatedly. 

That’s right, I got stuck on Irish and Jew.  I know their real names, which is a rarity for me, because I’m flat out awful at remembering names, and it usually takes me at least a handful of times hanging out with someone in order to remember their actual name.  I could have easily have called them by their actual given names, but no, only Irish and Jew came out of my mouth - albeit with a smile.

So as they looked as if they thought some creepy guy with a banana was accosting them, or quite possibly a crazed banana wielding terrorist was attacking them, I continued to smile, and shout Irish & Jew - this as dozens of people that I work with were filing past us. 

They finally shouted (after a tap on Irish’s arm) ”Oh. Hi.” with a slightly confused look, and I bashfully then went into my office building making sure to not make any eye contact with anyone in my building after making such a scene… from now on I’ll forever be known as that weird guy who shouted “Irish & Jew” while scaring two innocent young women on the subway around these here office parts….

8 Comments »

Cheese and I went and saw Knocked Up this past Friday night.

I had heard very little about the movie beforehand, and all that I heard was nothing but good about it.  I was basically told “funnier than 40 Year Old Virgin” by a couple of people. 

Basically, everyone that I’ve spoken to since seeing this movie that has seen it themselves has spoken of their loving it, and well, I don’t know if I’m the only one here on this or not, but, I just didn’t get most of the movie.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that the storyline is about two people drunkenly hooking up with a one night stand and a pregnancy occuring from it.  Other than that, I just didn’t get it.

There were lots of opportunities for really great jokes, and unfortunately it looked as though they went into production while needing another rewrite of the script, or having had too many rewrites. 

The last half an hour of the movie had me sitting there hoping for the movie to end already.  That never happens to me.  It just seemed as though they were trying to improvise too much of the script on the spot.  Whic would have been good if they had improv actors working in the scene, but they didn’t, and everything just didn’t seem to work out and come together comedically. 

I love Judd Apatow’s prior work, as he’s made some really great movies, let alone Freaks and Geeks, and yes ”Knocked Up” was at times funny - but watching an ape in a zoo all day can be funny at times too.

Maybe I just need to see the movie again, or a dozen more times at that to get everything, or maybe there just isn’t really much of a good movie there, and people truly all are herds of cattle liking all that they are told to like.  I don’t know.

5 Comments »

As if you weren’t already jubilating over the fact that Paris Hilton is free once again, and that Google is backing my views on the Katie Cut, I have even more good news to report. 

This past weekend I got to do some thinking, and I have decided to grow my long nose hair out. 

Yes, yes.  I know, and you can all thank me when it gets really long. 

See, Friday night when I was in the movie theater I had my finger up there, and well, I found it again.  It being the one strand of nose hair that grows extra thick, and long. 

So far I can fairly easily pull it out of my nostril for display, but it is still much shorter than the last time it was found.  Back then I cut it way back to the root. 

Hopefully in a few weeks it will be long enough to be photographed well enough to be displayed on this very blog.

So keep your fingers crossed and hold your breath until then.

3 Comments »

Yes, she’s free to linger on in public obscurity once again…

Non-Sarcastically & Sarcastically Speaking

She looked almost pretty walking out of jail.  It was either the cheap thrill at the thought of being with a female ex con, or the fact that she was wearing considerably less makeup and or just a different style of 5 lbs of makeup. 

The fear that has plagued us for the last 23 days of Paris Hilton photos drying up like oil wells past their prime, is now able to be thrown out the window. 

I couldn’t be happier to have woken up today to see this great news.

She was innocent this entire time, and we should never have jailed her.

I sure hope that we get to see new pictures of her, and maybe, just maybe, finally see yet another sex tape of her that would make us believe with 100% certainty that she is not good in bed.

2 Comments »

I grew up watching professional wrestling on tv since as long as I can remember.  My grandparents were both very into watching it, especially my grandmother.  She always thought it was real, and never once believed that anything on WWF (now WWE), WCW, ECW, or any of the local Texas / Memphis wrestling shows that we watched weren’t anything but real honest to good violence of good vs. evil - and she enjoyed watching every minute of it. 

Every Saturday & Sunday mornings & evenings had shows, Sunday nights had pay per views, and Monday nights were huge for wrestling - plus in the 80s every afternoon at 4PM, ESPN used to have old Texas Von Erich / Percy Pringle taped shows from years prior.  I watched as many hours of pro wrestling as I could back then, and nowadays there is a wrestling program on just about every night of the week making it virtually impossible for me to catch it all. 

Most of the real stuff happened off camera, and when I look back over the years there always seemed to be way too much real bad things happening to too many pro wrestlers.  Many of whom died at very young ages.  

I watched all of these guys (and Woman) give up their lives.  Literally they all gave their lives up by going after their dreams of being pro wrestlers, only to die way too early in life. 

   

 Mike Von Erich

Louie Spiccoli

Eddie Gilbert - damn, he was seriously such a great wrestler, and it ’s a shame he never made it to the heights of the WWF

Buzz Sawyer

The British Bulldog, Davey Boy Smith - I had this poster on my wall as a kid.

Crash Holly

Adrian Adonis - One of the all time great off the wall heels for the camera.

Kerry & Chris Von Erich

Chris Candido

Owen Hart - I loved watching him goof off at house shows.

Brian Pillman - I can’t believe it’s been 10 years…

and now, we can add Chris Benoit, and his wife Nancy (Kevin Sullivan’s ex wife), who used to wrestle in the WCW as Woman to the list.

Chris Benoit

Woman - the best female valet of all time.

There’s way more of a list that I just cannot get into here, but these were just some of the youngest and my most favorite ones…now all that I can do is quote The Big Lebowski with “Fuckin’ eh” and give a thanks to all of you for having given me some of the best entertainment I have had in my life.

2 Comments »

UPDATE:  The haircut is spreading, click here for more info. 

Much to the chagrin of both Cherry Ride & the Cheese, here’s yet another post about Katie Holmes’ new “Katie Cut“.

I know that I promised that Friday’s Don’t Do It - Part V would be the last post regarding her with it, unless some big development occurred, and well, it has. 

Yes, there is some very big and good news to report on the war front against the expansion of the “Katie Cut”.  We have a new ally on our side in the fight - Google.  Yes, that’s right.  The multi billion dollar internet search engine Google has jumped on the bandwagon of the beehivehairdresser to talk out against the “Katie Cut”.

Quickly open a new window, go to Google, first search “Katie Holmes New Haircut”, then search “Katie Holmes Short Haircut”.  You’ll all be glad to see that this very website ranks #2 on the first search, and #4 on the second search. 

As you all can clearly see, even Google thinks that it is a good idea to nip this whole “Katie Cut” in the bud and not allow it to spread like a plague.

Let us all welcome the mighty and all powerful Google for stepping in to further extend the message that the “Katie Cut” should not be gotten by another woman - ever.

4 Comments »

I usually don’t like to talk about my past of doing stand up comedy, but this is an exception.  I was farting around on MySpace and found this photo.

 

The profile was entitled “Nick Kroll“, which is the name of someone that I used to do stand up with way back when.  Someone who when first starting out, would swing on by to a mic that I had over at Stingy Lulu’s over on St Mark’s off of A. 

I took a better peak at the profile and found that it was indeed the same Kroll, who many of you might remember from Vh1’s Best Week Ever series. 

Anyways, it’s good to see that he is doing great since he was always a truly great guy, and always very funny.  Turns out that he’s now one of the cavemen on the new Geico Cavemen sitcom debuting this fall.

We here at beehivehairdresser.com wish Nick and Cavemen all the continued best, and congrats Nick on being one of the few who actually get to live out the dream.  Enjoy the ride.

No Comments »

I called in sick today because, well, I didn’t feel good in any way shape or form this morning. 

It also just so happens that today is the day of World Bowl XV (Europe’s version of NFL Super Bowl) airing on the NFL Network.

Hamburg just scored a TD, and it’s now 20 - 14 Hamburg over Frankfurt. 

So given this World Bowl XV news, it appears to have been the perfect day to have woken up in the middle of the night feelings as though an invasion of Gremlins were attempting to escape my body. 

No Comments »

We had this conversation on Saturday morning…

Beehive’s Mom:  Did you hear that a female cop was raped inside of her apartment in Bay Ridge this week?

Beehive:  Yes.  Why?

BM:  They’re saying that the rapist pushed in her air conditioner, then hid inside of her closet and attacked her when she came home.

Bee:  Yeah I’ve heard that, and it’s awful.  Sure stinks to be her.

BM:  Do you have something in between your windows to prevent someone from pushing the air conditioner inside?  The rapist is still on the loose!

Bee:  Yes Mom, I do.

BM:  Good.  You have to be safe ya’ know.

No Comments »

In the first of its kind, beehivehairdresser.com is holding a contest in search of my 100th MySpace friend. 

I am currently at 96, and will not officially add anymore MySpace friends until the request from the MySpace account that will be the 100th friend has been received.*

The winner of this contest will be take the place of Kelly Clarkson on my top 16 list up until Labor Day.  We could have one crazy summer together on MySpace. 

To add me as your MySpace pal go here.

Good luck!

*Contest not open to major bands, MySpace pervs, porn profiles, or mean people.  Beehivehairdresser.com reserves the right to not accept friendship from anyone for whatever reason, and or take the profile of the 100th MySpace friend down off of the Top 16 if the winner becomes personally known to be awful - for whatever reason.

1 Comment »