I swear it.

This morning I was talking to someone in my cube, went to take a sip of some water, and apparently wasn’t paying too close attention to what I was doing, cause I missed my mouth altogether. 

Yeup, I brought the water up to my left cheek and poured as if I was about to sip.  I quickly realized my mistake when I realized that I was talking and drinking water at the same time.  I’ve seen that done on tv, but those people don’t end up with wet crotches like I did.

Water, you’re my new frienemy!

I know that I’m not a complete whackjob, and I know that I read breaking news in a bright red banner atop the CNN.com homepage yesterday morning stating that Pakistan President Pervez Musharraf was stepping down as the Pakistani Army Chief.  A move that would most likely send some ripples throughout newsrooms, military men, and Wall Street. 

When I went back to CNN.com there was no story about such action on the past of Musharraf on the website.  Nothing!  Then yesterday evening went I went to look for some sort of “Oops” news story talking about some internet hoax, the only thing that I could find even slightly related to this was a Forbes news story and this was then a 12 hour old story.

a) What has really happened if anything?

b) Is there some sort of media blackout on this news story that we being cut out of?

c) Tomorrow are they going to say that Tupac and Princess Di have been found alive and living together in the jungles of Guatamala?

Thankfully there is a blog about Pakistan that is covering this possible story.  Break out your weird/wutwazthat sticks kiddos.

Living in New York allows you to bump elbows with celebrities every now and then.  This one time (Yes, I’m calling him a celebrity) I caught Jimmy J.J. Walker in a bar on Avenue A and 13th. 

Jimmy, pictured here with Ann Coulter.

At the time in that cheesy bar/lounge I couldn’t remember his name, all that I could remember was DYN-O-MITE!

I was at the corner of the bar and Jimmy was on the other side of the corner of the bar – WASTED! 

Not only was he wasted, which I hear shouldn’t be a shock to anyone that he knows, but he was trying to pick up a very obvious how do you say it…

 

heavyset lesbian.  Could this be the explaination to that photo with Ann Coultier?  Possibly…

Anyway, sadly it wasn’t actually Rosie O’Donnell that he was trying to pick up, but since she’s the poster girl for heavyset lesbians, she fits the bill for this blog purpose.

So there I was eavesdropping on Jimmy J.J. Walker mumbling and stumbling in place while attempting to pick up this newfound bar friend of his, and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out if he was actually going to pick up this chic at the end of the night, and I didn’t stay to find out.

All these years later I still wonder if he bagged her, and still to this day wonder how many women are out there saying “Yeah, I banged him.” about J.J.

Here’s to J.J.

Glug Glug!

Back in high school I wasn’t the cool, hip, suave, sophisticated, nubian hunk of a man that I am today – shocking I know.  I was very geeky, and barely 110lbs and 5’8″ tall when I graduated, and that was me at my biggest back then.  I’ve since elongated and filled in some.  I was also quite the shy one when it came to persuing the females that had my attention.

All four years I had a slight crush on one particular gal and never once made a move.  I was stuck in barely there friend zone.  It was this girl named Stephanie.  She went to an all girls Catholic high school near my all boys Catholic high school.  (that reference is for you [cherry] ride)  She was (in my mind) a true beauty, what with her lanky frame, boney knees, and extra large ear lobes.

So I haven’t seen this gal since the spring of 1998, have long since lost that high school crush I had nurtured, and every now and then wondered what every became of her.

Well, I saw her last night! 

I was in the supermarket, and needed to get some bananas.  Now, for the many of the fours of you who don’t shop at my supermarket, the bananas have their own little aisle within the fresh produce department.  As I approached the banana mini-aisle I saw two women that appeared to be mother and daughter.  I saw only a quick split second profile view of the gal as I passed and turned to the bananas.

While looking at all of these green unripened bananas my mind shook.  THAT was Stephanie…I think!

I was about 75% certain that this was the adult version of the girl that I had quietly crushed on in high school.  I wasn’t about to say “Stephanie?” and make a quick howya doing?  because I have finally learned that saying hello to people that I don’t really know only ends up with odd and awkward conversations of “Soooo….what are you up to?” 

Instead I walked over to the pineapples, pretended to examine some looking for the best pineapple, and quietly looked out at this womans ears – looking for gigantic earlobes! 

Her hair was pulled back and my mind pulled out the memory of Stephanie’s big ginormous ears that hadn’t been seen in nearly a decade. 

BINGO!

That was her – without a doubt.

Yeup, her and her big ears.  By the time I finished my shopping her and her mother hadn’t left the fresh produce section, and were in an apparent infatuation with the various forms of nuts that were up for sale. 

So that’s what Stephanie is up to.  Checking out nuts.

Goodwill Ambassador Angelina Jolie recently jetted over to Iraq for some good ole’ fashioned business of Americana.  Yes, she was apparently over in Iraq helping spread the word about how bulimia and or anorexia is the key to success for women in Hollywood.

 

Thank you Angelina for all of your hard work.  Now please go eat a steak and some mashed potatoes and keep it all down.  Rinse, then repeat.