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Okay, so I don’t want to alarm anyone or have you feel as though I’m a crazy, but the place I live might be haunted, seriously.

Personally I like to think that there is no afterlife, that what you see here on Earth is all that there is, that when you die you cease completely, your mind goes blank to nothing, and that if you believe in some form of an afterlife your dying brain creates such a place as your last internal vision - like I said, this is what I like to think, I have no definite answer of it being true, but it comes from the logical portion of my brain, this is in part from having common sense, and having seen the life of someone else cease before my very own eyes.

All of this “logic” that I speak of has some holes in it, mainly some unexplainable things that have happened in and around my presence while inside my flat, and while I’ve never seen a ghost per se, I’ve had a few moments of hearing things, seeing odd things, and definitely feeling such odd things - the police were even called once, and I wish that this wasn’t true. 

Others who have never been warned of such ghosts, spirits, or whatever things that there are inside my place have been seriously spooked by various things, at which point I just giggle because they get to see them while I don’t.  Strange things don’t happen all the time, but often enough to think that something is up with it all.

One particular time that something happened to me was during the winter of 2004/05.  I was watching some television in the Tony Bennett Room, and all alone in my place with exception to my cat.  

During a commercial break around 10:15 I went through my flat to check that the windows and doors were all locked as I would normally do before going to bed.  After checking the front door I walked through the living room, stopped and turned off the light completely, and then checked that the cellar door was locked fully.  I remember that I specifically looked back into the living room and seeing the light being off while checking this cellar door, and then I walked back to the Tony Bennett Room to the television.

After about ten minutes went by I decided that I would get ready for an early night of rest.  I got up and went to go into the bathroom, when I stopped in my tracks.  Something inside me said “check on the living room” so stepped aside, looked down my hallway and saw that the light inside of the living room that had been turned off just a few minutes prior was somehow turned ON!!!

Having seen that, I walked into the living room, took an extra look around to make sure that no intruder was there, that everything was still locked from the inside, and then turned the light off, finding the entire light being on almost magically after I had definitely turned it off to be completely weird, but didn’t suspect a ghost or spirit or anything of the like.  I just thought that it was odd.

I then went back along my way to the bathroom, freshened up for bed, turned everything off, and slipped into bed next to my already sleeping cat.

I had just pulled the covers up to my head and had found a comfy spot.  I was no more than 30 seconds in bed when I felt the bed suddenly jerk out away from the wall, and then slam into the wall. 

I nearly crapped my pants thinking that someone was standing in front of my bed like an ax murderer.  Every muscle in my body was tense as can be expecting the ax to fall into my skull.  After about a minute of silence I turned the light on, and found no one in my bedroom.  I looked at the time, saw that is was still around 10:30, and that my cat was still in a deep sleep having not woken up from the sharp movements. 

I wish I could say that I bravely went through my flat looking for whomever pulled the bed out and away from the wall and then jerked it back to the wall, instead I cried, like seriously balled my eyes out in complete fright, cried. 

I then called up the girlfriend I had at the time hysterically crying, which would have been one thing, but she was around friends, who all just NEEDED to know what was so wrong with me. 

After about a half an hour on the phone I calmed myself down, got off the phone vowing that I would not to go to sleep ever again, and ended up waking up the next morning with the light still on next to my bed and the phone still in my hand. 

To this day I have absolutely no logical factual explanation of what happened that night, and so I guess the best explanation could be that a ghost or spirit was upset that I turned the light off when it wanted the light to be on.

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C. C. Deville grew up in my neighborhood, and went to the high school that I attended for summer school one year- I just couldn’t ever care enough about sequential math to apply myself. 

I’m picking up the guitar, growing my hair out, stocking up on Aqua Net, and am giving myself the rockstar name of Scarlett Johansson Deville. 

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Have you ever found yourself alone in your cubicle, felt a cold chill, turned and found that there wasn’t an open window?  Have you ever been doing an endless spreadsheet in Excel and felt a tap on your shoulder, only to turn around and find that nobody was there?  Have you ever stepped away from your breakfast to answer a coworkers question, only to return minutes later to find that your Cocoa Puffs haven’t become as soggy as they should have?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, chances are your office and more particular, your cube is haunted by ghosts….from a past dimention!!! 

Together with my crack team of interns, pages, admins, and a handful curious passerby, we have assembled the true stories of the most horrific deaths and massacres to have ever graced the fluorescent walls in the land of cubes and corporate casual dress codes this side of the Mississippi over the past 20 years. 

1. Lilith Gautbaum, Long Island, NY, 1988  Lilith’s coworkers vividly remembered how she was so happy one crisp autumn afternoon as she returned from a lunch hour drive to the local Burger King.  She laughed about how she just acquired 17 kid’s meal toy sets during her gluttony filled lunch hour - 2:07PM was the last time anyone saw Lilith alive.  After trying to reach his underling Lilith for over an hour, Lilith’s boss walked over to find out why Lilith wasn’t picking up her calls.  The manager walked into Lilith’s cube and found Lilith sitting in her chair, Microsoft DOS was on the brand new 85lb IBM desktop in front of her, and Lilith was dead!  The medical examiner found at least eight of the toys from the kid’s meal lodged down Lilith’s throat.  No one knows for sure why Lilith attempted to eat eight of the cute, albeit delicious looking childrens toys, and to this day, every afternoon at 2:07PM everyone in the office hears a laughing cackle, even when no living person is laughing,  Many people believe that this laughter just so happens to be the time that Lilith returning from her lunch…laughing over her Burger King toys.
2. Edwin Mascarda, Bethesda, MD, 1997  Edwin originally was a replacement Account Temps Temporary at the firm of McCloy & Spinster, LP.  He wasn’t even supposed to be working that day, yet for reasons unknown to even his closest fraternity brothers, Edwin went into cover a weekend shift at the height of tax season hungover, and with a tummy full of White Castle burgers.  Somehow Edwin managed to sneak into work that warm early April day, because no one even saw his arrival at the office, but they did notice that something was awry in the restroom.  On the floor of the last stall was a brand new copy of Mad magazine, the overhead light was flashing out of order, there were a pair of legs that had slacks pulled down to the ankles that weren’t moving, and a strong pungent odor was in the air.  When building maintenance went ahead and forced in the stall door they found Edwin hunched over against the wall, DEAD, with an 18 inch turd four inches thick stuck hanging out of his butthole and hanging halfway into the bowl of water.  To this day men walk into that restroom having the distinct smell of a floater left unflushed, yet when they check each stall they see nothing but clean bowls.  Some people say that the smell is really Edwin getting his revenge at having gone in to do a thankless day of work on a Saturday during tax season.
3. Paper Mill Marketing Department, Eltingville, Ohio, 2000 The entire team had been busy working through the night trying to get their brand new PowerPoint presentation ready for their big sales pitch the next morning.  They were just about done, and had been busy printing out a copy of the presentation for one last double check to ensure that everything was in the proper order when the printer jammed unexpectedly.  The team naturally sent Xie the new Asian kid straight out of college to see what was causing the jam, but since he was so new he didn’t know to check the back of the printer.  He eventually called in for assistance from his Caucasian and Afro-American coworkers for help.  After a good 15 minutes in which everyone stuck their hands into at least one orifice of the printer, a sudden surge of electricity blasted out of the outlet that originally went through Xie’s body, but since he and his entire marketing department coworkers were so close in proximity around the network printer and the outlet that powered the printer, every last one of them was shocked to their untimely deaths.  The next morning the receptionist arrived at work to find the network printer shooting out the PowerPoint presentation over and over and over.  There was a good 200 copies of it spread out over all 11 corpses that had been the marketing department.  To this very day each morning that very same network printer has a freshly printed copy of the very same presentation, most people believe that this the dead marketing department still wants to do their presentation. 

So the next time you or your coworkers have a hard on from a stiff breeze running through your office, just remember that the breeze might not be from the wind, it might very much be from…dead former employees passing through your crotch on the way to the water cooler….

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Not sure if anyone has been following the news off the coast of eastern Africa of late, but the United States Navy is in the middle of a battle against pirates in and around the waters of Somalia. 

Apparently some modern day pirates have been hijacking and pirating foreign merchant vessels, doing what with them I can’t imagine.  Due to this, the Somali government has recently decided to allow the United States Navy to follow hijacked vessels into its territorial waters in a bid to rid the area of modern day pirates.* 

btw, my grandfather used to work on those tugs with the “M” markings.

Low and behold, after about a day of searching and chasing a hijacked North Korean vessel, the U.S. Navy has finally found its ship (full of seafaring men) and has boarded the ship to have a swashbuckling gun, grenade, and laser fight - a far cry from the good ole days of pirating

See now, when I was a kid, pirates didn’t have guns, grenades, or even lowly lasers. 

 

Back then, if you were a pirate and wanted to storm another ship you would have to scare them real good with cannons that could easily be turned around to point at you when you weren’t looking, you would have to take smalls steps (because all pirates were really short) to board via planks of wood, and then whip out your comedically large sword in a threatening manner.  Then to top it all off you wouldn’t have to deal with a Navy, you just had to deal with a wascally wabbit or two.

They just don’t make pirates like they used to, ya see, ya see.

*Wikipedia refuses to acknowledge the meaning of the term “butt pirate”.

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This morning I received another paper version of the MTA Rider Report Card, and I caught something on it this time that I didn’t the first time I received one, namely all of the other languages that it comes in.  In particular, Yiddish!

Despite having been brought up around a grandmother who spoke a mix of German, English, and Yiddish I have no clue as to how to read Yiddish.  Heck, I never even thought that it was a written language, how’s that for ignorant! 

Basically my grandmother spoke a few Yiddish words in the middle of sentences, mostly when she was describing a few select things, and growing up I had just assumed that Yiddish was the old fashioned way of talking in some form of Pig Latin - I never realized that it was an actual full language until just now.

So while I cannot read Hebrew to decipher exactly how the translation from English to Yiddish goes about the subway report card, I’ll assume that the questionnaire says things along these lines…and please, excuse my broken Yiddish…

1. Is there enough room to squeeze in enough meshuggenehs on the train?
2. Does your commute deal with a facacta amount of delays?
3. Would a Metrocard fare hike have you verklempt?
4. Do you feel that the subway system is worth babkes?
5. Have you found the trains to clean or do people shlep schmutz all over the place?

Personally, I feel that the voice of the extremely large Yiddish population that takes the NYC subway system each day should have their voices heard, heard loud and clear!  It’s about time.

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The many fours of people who read beehivehairdresser on a regular basis shouldn’t be surprised to find out that while at my incredibly boring day job I enjoy inventing new games and finding new ways to keep my spirits up. 

Well, I’ve come up with a new one, or rather, I’m finally ready to share the secret game that I’ve been playing for the past year and a half inside of my cube.

I call it, The Rubber Band Extravaganza Shooting Game!!!

This just so happens to be a game that can be played as either a 1st, 2nd or 3rd person shooter game, and it can be a multiple player game too.

The basics that you need to have a competitive Rubber Band Extravaganza Shooting Game!!! matchup are various push pins, a cork board of sorts, a good rubber band, two fingers, and a little bit of imagination.

Right now I’m working with a happy face layout, which I created myself, and can be downloaded as a neat little plugin for your consumption.

Basically, the goal of the game is to use two fingers to flick a rubber band and get the rubber band to catch onto one of the various push pins - as you can see from the above photo, I landed a shot squarely on the left eye. 

And since the game primarily takes place in the semi private quarters of your own cubicle you can easily wear bandannas to cover various part of your face from imaginary people shooting rubber bands back at you, as well as rather loudly lay in pain on the floor, writhing in pain from either an imaginary rubber band shot wound, or a leg cramp. 

Also, if you’re feeling brave, and don’t care about people trash talking you behind your back around the water cooler about how you live in a fantasy world revolving around cereal box characters, you might want to start inviting your fellow coworkers to play the game against you.  This version is more along the lines of role playing as a Secret Service agent against would be assassin, pitting one player against another. 

Or, you might want to get your favorite coworker to have a skills match, either by straight shot for shot skill, or a good old fashioned game of H-O-R-S-E - sans basketball.

Any way you play it only adds to the mystic that is….

THE RUBBER BAND EXTRAVAGANZA SHOOTING GAME!!!

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For the past couple of years this painting by Reverend Jen Miller of her beloved chihuahua Rev Jen Jr wearing a cowboy hat has been the one and only adult item that I have purchased myself for my apartment. 

With everything else having been scored for free in one way or another - that is until I needed to buy a new vacuum cleaner.

I figured that I would go to Bed Bathand Beyond for this purchase since I’ve seen people testing out all sorts of vacuum cleaners there in the past, and since I knew that they had a fairly wide variety of vacuum cleaner options I figured that this was my best shot.

I had looked online to compare vacuums first before actually going to BBBY.  I found a nice one that was in my price range for about $150.00 and off I went for my second adult purchase for my place.

Once inside the wide open BBBY vacuum cleaner display area I asked the kind store associate for help in finding the one specific vacuum that I wanted to buy (I hadn’t seen it while looking by myself) and she informed me that this one in particular was currently out of stock.  Since my apartment was a mess and my old vacuum was of no more good use to me, I needed to make a decision on a different vacuum to buy - and I was going to need help.

The BBBY store associate was more than happy to help me, she very carefully explained all of the different features that the various vacuums I was interested in had, and during this time a manager of sorts walked up to her to inform her that there was a customer looking at the really expensive vacuums and that she should help them before me - as if my money was no good!  The kind BBBY store associate brushed the manager off, and continued to help me. 

After about ten more seconds of her helping me I realized that I couldn’t concentrate on any vacuums with the manager standing a few feet away staring at us awaiting the store associate to ditch me, so I let her go so that I wouldn’t feel eyes burning holes in me.  Plus I was the one who was going to have to make the decision of what vacuum I was going to buy anyway, so I braved up and began looking.

Every single vacuum that I looked at I felt as though I was looking at the lemon of all vacuums, because in reality, what do I know about vacuums other than they should clean my floors at the very least.

I spotted one slim red one with a removable hepafilter that was way under my price max ($75) and I just couldn’t let myself pick it up out of fear that an entire chorus of people would come in singing “You are a sucker, you are buying the lamest, and worst made vacuum in the store…”

And then after casually passing by the display of boxes about a dozen times to examine enough of the box I spotted Fruit Loops.

I figured, “Well, if it can pick up a bunch of dry Fruit Loops, it has to be good.”  And so I bought me a new vacuum based off the fact that it can suck up fruit loops on a hard tile floor.

When I got the vacuum back to home to my living room I was examining the box in even further detail, and that’s when I noticed that it’s the “#1 Best Cleaning Full Size Upright under 12 lbs!”

Well, I really got the top of the line on the cheap, I thought.  Then I realized that the reason why it’s the best under 12lbs because they are the only fools to build one under 12lbs, but hey, I’m the only one foolish enough to buy one under 12lbs. 

At least I’m a fool with clean floors!

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Saturday morning was a rainy and cool one in my neighborhood.  It also found me on the express line of my supermarket, which just so happened to be filled with bunches of people who had their panties in tight bunches.

When I finally go to the checkout portion the cashier didn’t say what the price was exactly, but I saw that it was $13 and change, so I handed her a $20 bill.

“Sir, do you have ten cents?”  The cashier asked rather politely.

“Uhhh…no I don’t.”  I barely said as my throat was filled with the frog of the last remnants of a cold.

“Here, I have it.”  The young woman behind me in line told the cashier.

The cashier looked at the young woman holding out a dime with such a look of shock you would have thought the young woman had an arrow sticking through her head.

“Are you sure?”  The cashier asked incredulously with a cross between worry and shock on her face.

“Yeah, I am.”  The young woman said as she handed the cashier the dime, and the cashier looked at me worriedly as if I had to give an “A-OK” message via smoke signals or something of the like over the dime transfer.

“Thank you very much!”  I said graciously to the young woman who spotted me the dime.

“It’s only a dime?!?!?”  The young woman replied back in a slightly annoyed fashion.

The entire scene left me feeling quite unsure how I feel about people in this situation, part of me wanted to say that they’re nice, another part rude, and yet another part completely stupid. 

Meh, such is life.

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Saturday night I was walking down the street and found me a ten dollar bill staring up at me smack dab in the middle of the sidewalk.

I casually bent down as I passed it, picked it up, put it in my pocket, smiled over the fact that I just scored a ten spot, and knew almost instantly that the bad yang was soon to follow this good yin. 

I’m currently patiently awaiting its arrival.

I’m sure you’re wondering what I am exactly waiting for to happen, and well, I’m not 100% sure, but I would wager that it’s one of the following three very plausible situations…

Crocs:  I just might be walking across a busy avenue when I spot a pair of bright neon colored crocs being wore inappropriately on a person coming in toward me…

when suddenly I fall through an open sewer drain and get bit on my head by a pair of 12 foot double headed crocodiles (that’s four heads) - killing me instantly!!!

Piano:  I might be walking briskly down the street while some piano movers are attempting to move a piano via a hoist 11 stories up…

when suddenly the piano breaks and land squarely on my head - killing me instantly!!!

Joe Namath:  This is the most plausible method of the bad yang to finally catch up with me.  I just might be strolling along the Upper West Side near where Live with Regis and Kelly is filmed…

when suddenly during the middle of a live taping of a touchdown pass from Joe Namath to Regis Philbin gets too much wind, veers left, and lands squarely on my nose - creating enough blunt force that my face implodes upon my brain - killing me instantly!!!

Or, I just might not have any bad luck over the whole thing…who knows…

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So there’s a secret that the male gender has kept for generations among itself, and I am absolutely breaking the “I have two balls so we stick together” protocol that guys have here with regard to this secret.

Most guys have no idea where women pee from.

I know, I know, it’s shocking, but it is so true.  For the longest time I thought that I was the only one who didn’t quite know where it came from or rather out of women. 

I mean, I know that women sit down to pee into a toilet, and the general vicinity of where it comes out, but as for where the actual spot of it…I sure couldn’t point it out on a detailed map of the female crotch.

Where does it come from?

Then one night I was getting a ride home by my friend Ralph.  Now Ralph is in his 40s and asked the question of “This might sound silly, but might you happen to know where women pee from?  Like, specifically?”

Naturally we both laughed until tears rolled down our faces at the question, but then we sat there in the traffic wondering where it actually came out from.  We then had a long and drawn out discussion about how confusing the whole thing was, and that we both just sort of thought that women pee from somewhere near or around their vag. 

That’s about it, “somewhere near or around their vag” is the best possible conclusion that guys can figure out as being the source of the female pee stream, and Ralph and I aren’t alone in our lost and confused thoughts of the matter - almost all men are.  Specifially 99.9999999% of men are confused to this mystery.

If you don’t believe me go ask your husband, boyfriend, significant other, friend, or male coworker if they know specifically.  Chances are most of them aren’t go to have a better answer other than “pussy” or ” the vagina”. 

There, I said it.

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CNN.com has reported that Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner has been the first female to be elected as President of Argentina.

From the looks of things if politics and her failed to be a good match,  she would have been able to find some good paying and steady work of some form in the porn industry.  El Presidente elect de es muy caliente.

Me…owwww…..

On a complete but rather interest sidenote, Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner makes United States First Lady Laura Bush look like the walking dead from a zombie movie.

Maybe Laura Bush will get cast in Saw V.  We can only hope.

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While wandering through the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens a couple of weekends ago I ran across a friend that I made last year….This crane!!!

 

I’ve only seen it in the gardens during the autumn months, and he surprised me this particular day by swooping into my line of sight as he came in for a landing near the pond.

Thankfully he was walking in the perfect angle for a couple of shots that evening, and then the next morning I spotted him scooping fish out of the coy pond - little fish, not big coy.

Total coolness!!!

 P.S.  I realize that this isn’t a bee photo, but I’m not willing to give up on the tag, nor do I wish to create one that says Coolness!!!

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Good news, there’s a free car giveaway from General Motors via their upcoming campaign called “Project Driveway“.

Technically it’s an SUV, but it’s still free and from GM.

According to an article on CNN.com ”a few families in the Los Angeles, New York City and Washington D.C. area will get to spend three months with a hydrogen-powered SUV”.

I was so excited about this opportunity that I tried out for the program, but after a brief survey found out that I’m not eligible - most likely because I don’t own or lease a car, nor do I have a family.

Anyway, just thought I’d pass along the opportunity to all of you who wish to drive a new car, based on all the good words that I’ve heard on their now desecrated EV1 vehicle I’d be willing to bet that this new hydrogen powered vehicle is definitely something worth driving. 

If interested in applying to be in the test drive program, click right here.

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As I mentioned yesterday I rented the movie Vacancy this past weekend.  I was really looking forward to seeing it when it came out in the theatres, and then I just never got around to it, so the renting it came in handy.

I decided to watch it in the pitch dark, which is something that I never do when watching movies at my place, and oh boy, was I frightened, and I’m dead serious. 

To be fair, I don’t watch horror movies often because I tend to get scared very easily by them, and so while the average horror fan might have thought that Vacancy was stealing their life away from them, I found it to be enthralling, and was on the edge of my seat ready to shit my pants scared. 

Sure the first 20 minutes started of slow to the point that I wanted to pull an Elvis and shoot the television, but then the creepy Rick Moranistype of guy shows up working at the hotel, and I got an hour worth of fright.

Basically the plot of the movie is that two city folk are lost in the back country, their car breaks down, and people are trying to murder them on film inside of a creepy hotel, which just so happens to be one of my biggest fears when leaving the city, and the biggest reason why I chose to avoid many places in this country. 

I’m a city boy, and being out in the middle of nowhere kind of freaks me out, and it indeed scares me.  For me it is the fact that in the middle of nowhere if I were to be attacked nobody would hear my death screams, but at least in the city people would be more likely to hear them.  Not to say that I would be safer in the city or the middle of nowhere, but the thought of just “disappearing” on a road trip never to be found again bugs the crap out of my fear factor.

So basically yeah, I have to give Vacancy a five out of five scary stars, especially since I had nightmares for the next three straight nights.  Once again, I am all too serious on this part.

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I’ve always been amazed by magicians and their tricks.  I know that it’s not really “magic”, and that it is all one way or another smoke and mirrors, but it is still none the less amazing to see these magicial tricks with the naked eye.

One magician and trick that I’ve always been enamored with is David Blaine’s levitation trick. 

The basic idea is to stand in front of a small crowd and then magically levitate or “float” into the air.

Well, I’m proud to announce that I learned how to do this magic trick, and last night I tried it out for the first time in from of anyone - and it worked!

Cheese was sitting on my couch when I informed her that I would like to perform some magic, to which she laughed at thinking that I was joking, and then I stood up in the middle of the living room, and well….I floated before her eyes, using magic of course. 

I had no idea if it was working or not, but when I heard her take a gasping breath of horror and say “Oh my God!” in a freaked out way I knew that it worked. 

I turned and saw the look of horror on her face from having seen the fact that I can float, and well, it was friggin’ awesome! 

Next stop for me is Times Square, an ABC two hour Special, and a $30 million paycheck.

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