BeehiveHairdresser.com

As many of you have already figured out by last nights post here on this very site, something has happened to Britney Spears, and if you actually live under a rock or even worse use Technorati, or BeehiveHairdresser.com as your vital source of actual news, you may have missed a big one.

Britney Spears will lose custody of her little children…CNN.com - an actual source of news has way more info on the how and why of her losing her kids.

I’m not here to discuss much on the fact that Britney is losing custody of her kids, no, I am not.  I am actually here to try and use my extraordinary lavishly great swagger to save Britney from becoming an even bigger cartoon of herself, save her mind, body and soul, and just maybe bring back her career - the career being the last thing we work on, if we ever work on it.

Here’s what I have in mind to help YOU Britney…

Move:  You should move out of L.A. Britney.  You need to get away from all of the paparazzi, starfuckers, and other leeches that are crawling around all over you.  Dare I say it, I shall even convert the Tony Bennett Room back into a bedroom for you if need be.  While my apartment is not 2,000 square feet, it will probably feel like a tiny prison cell to you, I assure you that it is not.  There’s a full basement with home gym, and a private garden that you will have access to. 

I’ll even allow you to do all of my laundry.  This will all be a good tool for you to work towards grounding yourself.  In fact, if you begin to feel all Hollywood on me, I can invite some local celebs that live in the “hood” to hang out with you.  They are far from the rabble rousers that you’re used to, and will only be a good influence on you - Paulie Walnuts, Johnny Cakes, the writer of Across 110th Street, and the dark haired guy from Opie & Anthony.

Board Games:  Let’s face it, if you’re gonna get yourself grounded, you’re going to need yourself a good board game.  It’s quite possible that you were always too busy to play board games as a child due to your training schedule and whatnot, so let me be the first one to officially challenge you to the game of Life!  You’re so on, and I get to be the blue car, oh, and we’re driving European style, so make sure you keep your driver in the correct seat!

Blog:  Britney, you’re going to need to get all of the emotions that you’ve been bottling up inside of you for far too long off your chest.  I highly recommend that you start an anonymous blog, say… formernumber1sellingpopstar.blogspot.com ?  I’ll even throw the link up here on my blog, and I’m sure that it’ll throw some traffic your way.  The fours of people who read this post will surely forget that formernumber1sellingpopstar.blogspot.com is really your own private blog…and boy do I smell book deal in it for you.

Sex:  I think that you should refrain from it as much as possible.  You should set yourself a goal of “x” amount of weeks, or months and remain celibate.  Take this time to think inwardly, and in doing so I’m told that it will actually help your singing voice become a better musical instrument.  Heck, even Rivers Cuomo of Weezer took this route.  Your voice will thank you for it Britney, and if you really become desperate for sexin’ I’m sure the Cheese and I could work something out for you by way of Bridget the Midget porn. 

Lastly….

Sober Up:  I’m not going to sit here and write that you should never ever have a drink or two, but you’re mother, and not just any mother, you’re a MILF.  Under no circumstances should you have been drinking to excess or doing whatever else you’ve been doing when you should have been waking up at 7AM to make your kids breakfast - let alone been busy hiring a driver.  Even moreso you shouldn’t be doing the meth, coke, H, pills, or whatever else it is that you’ve been rumored to have been doing. 

To help drive this point home with you, I plan on taking you on a walking tour of my neighborhood.  The tour will include the local “water holes” of the junkies, some of which is also the second bathroom of their home - a.k.a. their front yard, the many public benches where they tend to just hang out and feel sorry for themselves while being angry at the world for not having steady work for down and out uneducated junkies, and the highlight of the tour being the many bars/lounges where people under the influence have done bad things…very bad things…I’m talking M-U-R-D-E-R!   All in all this tour will make you never ever want to dare sneak off and go to a local bar in my neighborhood, let alone step foot into the local SRO “hotel” that doubles as a drug den. 

So in my closing remarks to you Britney, my door is open for you.  I’m not trying to gain anything from you, except possible friendship, a new salsa recipe, and that fleshy punani of yours that I wondered about since age 18 tips on buzzing my head of hair.  No one would need to know that you’re resting in my Tony Bennett Room, I will shelter you from the paparazzi, and in return my cat will show nonstop love and affection towards you while you recover. 

Here’s my hand Britney…

Take that quarter drink out of it, drink it if you must, and then grab onto my hand to follow me on the road to a better way of living… Tony Robbins, eat your heart out…