Have you ever found yourself alone in your cubicle, felt a cold chill, turned and found that there wasn’t an open window?  Have you ever been doing an endless spreadsheet in Excel and felt a tap on your shoulder, only to turn around and find that nobody was there?  Have you ever stepped away from your breakfast to answer a coworkers question, only to return minutes later to find that your Cocoa Puffs haven’t become as soggy as they should have?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, chances are your office and more particular, your cube is haunted by ghosts….from a past dimention!!! 

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Together with my crack team of interns, pages, admins, and a handful curious passerby, we have assembled the true stories of the most horrific deaths and massacres to have ever graced the fluorescent walls in the land of cubes and corporate casual dress codes this side of the Mississippi over the past 20 years. 

  1. Lilith Gautbaum, Long Island, NY, 1988  Lilith’s coworkers vividly remembered how she was so happy one crisp autumn afternoon as she returned from a lunch hour drive to the local Burger King.  She laughed about how she just acquired 17 kid’s meal toy sets during her gluttony filled lunch hour - 2:07PM was the last time anyone saw Lilith alive.  After trying to reach his underling Lilith for over an hour, Lilith’s boss walked over to find out why Lilith wasn’t picking up her calls.  The manager walked into Lilith’s cube and found Lilith sitting in her chair, Microsoft DOS was on the brand new 85lb IBM desktop in front of her, and Lilith was dead!  The medical examiner found at least eight of the toys from the kid’s meal lodged down Lilith’s throat.  No one knows for sure why Lilith attempted to eat eight of the cute, albeit delicious looking childrens toys, and to this day, every afternoon at 2:07PM everyone in the office hears a laughing cackle, even when no living person is laughing,  Many people believe that this laughter just so happens to be the time that Lilith returning from her lunch…laughing over her Burger King toys.
  2. Edwin Mascarda, Bethesda, MD, 1997  Edwin originally was a replacement Account Temps Temporary at the firm of McCloy & Spinster, LP.  He wasn’t even supposed to be working that day, yet for reasons unknown to even his closest fraternity brothers, Edwin went into cover a weekend shift at the height of tax season hungover, and with a tummy full of White Castle burgers.  Somehow Edwin managed to sneak into work that warm early April day, because no one even saw his arrival at the office, but they did notice that something was awry in the restroom.  On the floor of the last stall was a brand new copy of Mad magazine, the overhead light was flashing out of order, there were a pair of legs that had slacks pulled down to the ankles that weren’t moving, and a strong pungent odor was in the air.  When building maintenance went ahead and forced in the stall door they found Edwin hunched over against the wall, DEAD, with an 18 inch turd four inches thick stuck hanging out of his butthole and hanging halfway into the bowl of water.  To this day men walk into that restroom having the distinct smell of a floater left unflushed, yet when they check each stall they see nothing but clean bowls.  Some people say that the smell is really Edwin getting his revenge at having gone in to do a thankless day of work on a Saturday during tax season.
  3. Paper Mill Marketing Department, Eltingville, Ohio, 2000 The entire team had been busy working through the night trying to get their brand new PowerPoint presentation ready for their big sales pitch the next morning.  They were just about done, and had been busy printing out a copy of the presentation for one last double check to ensure that everything was in the proper order when the printer jammed unexpectedly.  The team naturally sent Xie the new Asian kid straight out of college to see what was causing the jam, but since he was so new he didn’t know to check the back of the printer.  He eventually called in for assistance from his Caucasian and Afro-American coworkers for help.  After a good 15 minutes in which everyone stuck their hands into at least one orifice of the printer, a sudden surge of electricity blasted out of the outlet that originally went through Xie’s body, but since he and his entire marketing department coworkers were so close in proximity around the network printer and the outlet that powered the printer, every last one of them was shocked to their untimely deaths.  The next morning the receptionist arrived at work to find the network printer shooting out the PowerPoint presentation over and over and over.  There was a good 200 copies of it spread out over all 11 corpses that had been the marketing department.  To this very day each morning that very same network printer has a freshly printed copy of the very same presentation, most people believe that this the dead marketing department still wants to do their presentation. 

So the next time you or your coworkers have a hard on from a stiff breeze running through your office, just remember that the breeze might not be from the wind, it might very much be from…dead former employees passing through your crotch on the way to the water cooler….