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About five or so years ago I found myself in Times Square with a few hours to kill before sleeping through Bea Arthur on Broadway. 

Call me naive, but I decided to pass the time by taking a stress test at the Church of Scientology on 46th Street.

From what I remember about the test is that it was made up of yes/no and multiple choice questions that were quite vague and generic.  They were along the lines of:

Have you ever felt anger towards someone?

Do you ever find yourself getting annoyed while waiting on a really long line?

Have you ever found yourself feeling sad from learning that someone close to you died?

Basically some of the not so good life moments that everyone experiences at some point in their lives.  After I handed in the test I watched a video of L. Ron Hubbard talk about Scientology. 

While watching this video I seriously got the feeling that it was trying to brainwash me by making the camera consistently change from tight to wide angle shots of Hubbard, along with the way Hubbard spoke.  I remember thinking that his mouth was huge and found it odd that the camera kept focusing on his mouth move with too much annunciation, while Hubbard’s body remained far too still in comparison.  So I ended up looking away from the screen and just listened in hopes of not allowing myself to become a drone, and brainwashed human being.

After the video the lady who was the auditor of the test informed me that I had a very low score (she even had a chart), which basically meant that I was extremely sad, depressed, full of anger, and unhappy in life.

I was shocked and had to stop myself from laughing at her words.  She then informed me that Scientology could make me be happy and at peace with the world and tried to get me to buy several dozen self help pamphlets and programs.

I passed on all of them but let myself buy Dianetics, which from what I’m told was the must read for all Scientologists, and that it was the building block of the entire religion.  I bought it based on remembering watching hundreds of commercials for it as a kid in the 1980s.  I basically just wanted to read it and see what it was about.

I specifically remember the auditor telling me that Dianetics was so easy to read and life changing.  So I took the book home with me and decided to read it with an open mind, with the actual hope in finding some truth in it, and a possible religious path for my life.

Literally the next day I received a phone call from a young woman at the Church of Scientology asking if I had finished reading it.  WTF?  The thing is 534 pages long with another 120 or so of glossary, I’m no speed demon reader.

From what I remember I eventually got through roughly 200 pages and had to put the book down for good.  The thing made absolutely no sense to me.  There were no easy names to remember and it contained lots of words that were like eight syllables long that I had never heard of.  I spent more time reading the glossary and looking up words than actually reading the book.

Since giving up on it, the book has lived in various hidden spots in my apartment, and it has currently spent the last year on the farthest end of my bookshelf.

Behind a television, and behind a Beginner Programming for Dummies book. 

Well, after seeing that Tom Cruise Scientology video that was up on youtube last week make zero sense to me as to why he’s SO into Scientology I’ve decided that for blogging purposes I NEED to try and read Dianetics cover to cover, and report back on the aliens, long words, and whatever else is in there. 

I’m honestly going to be reading it with an open mind, but just so everyone knows, if you see me reading it on the subway or somewhere else in public, I’m not crazy, converting to Scientology, or anything of the sort.  I’m actually reading it for your entertainment.

And in the process I pray to God that everything that Theresa Duncan wrote about being followed and about being scared of Scientologists to have been lies, and I hope more so than anything in the world that I don’t mysteriously end up dying in any way shape or form during this process, cause her story creeps me out completely.

And for the Scientologists or anyone else who might take my undertaking as a negative, please don’t think that I’m going to be reading Dianetics and then write bash posts about it.  I want to pass along my feelings as to what the book is about, and what I feel it means, if anything.  I honestly don’t know what it means so far… so with that I need to ask you all to please, not kill me, frame me for anything, or try to ruin my life in any way shape or form.  Thanks in advance!