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Earlier in the day some coworkers and I were getting a two minute rest from work.  I was standing just outside my cube and in between their cubes.  We were joking around about heliports, and what we’d like to have a helicopter do had we been blessed with a ridiculous amount of money. 

“I’d like to have a helicopter fly my penthouse to another building.”  A coworker casually said, and with that I lost it. 

I laughed so genuinely hard that I temporarily lost control of myself, so much so that I up and unknowingly farted, really really loud.

Dead silence ensued as I turned around halfway before realizing that the noise was in fact from me having just farted.  I casually scuffed my left shoe against the floor as if that was the culprit, but it was too late, I turned to a coworker who said, “Uuuuuggggh” as he turned around to face away from me,  as I pointed and said, “hehe, yeah, I uhhhh, just…”

So yeah, I’m THAT guy today - the laugh so hard that you break really loud wind in a popping sound. 

The fart was so powerful that it has since been named The Big Popper.

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I was recently thinking about the hypocrisy of politicians.  How they rail and crusade against something and then it turns out that they are in fact quietly very into and for whatever they had been crusading against publicly.

For instance, Idaho Senator Larry Craig had helped enact the awful and ridiculous “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” military policy, and had pushed for more severe punishment (when he was a member of the House) for Representative Barney Frank, who had involvement in a gay prostitution scandal.  As it turns out Mr. Craig enjoys some how you doin’ gay action himself. 

Spokane Mayor Jim West had championed an anti gay agenda but used his office to entice what he thought was a young man to his office, this on top of many other accusations of having inappropriate contact with underage boys.

Former Vice President and Senator Al Gore had championed lessening the impact that we as individuals have on our planet by way of consumption, and that we shouldn’t be causing such harm via how we live our lives.  As it turns out, Al Gore had been leaving a huge impact on our planet by using a ridiculous amount of nonrenewable electricity - in the form of 191,000 kilowatt hours of electricity in 2006.

So this brings me to Al & Tipper Gore’s campaign in the 1980s against the music industry, and how Tipper was “frightened” by watching some music videos that were aired on television at the time.  Anyway, the end result were those “Parental Advisory Warnings” ending up on CDs nowadays (yes, CDs still do exist). 

Now based off of our prior experience with politicians and their say one thing, and then go balls to the wall opposite of public words, what are Al & Tipper Gore’s nightstands full of? 

My guess is porn, and nasty hardcore porn at that.  Big hairy bush?   Possibly lots of poop?  Or maybe even Grannies?  Who knows, but I for one hope and pray that their porn collection is one day revealed and that they are proven to be loafers for having crusaded against the music industry so senselessly during the 1980s.

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Last night I was all too comfy and curled up on the love-seat in the Tony Bennett Room watching the real MLB Presidential Opener on ESPN.  Out of nowhere my cat came in and started being really cranky with me. 

At first I wrote it off to her wanting a second wet food dinner so I told her no second dinner for her (she always dry food out), I then tried to settle her down with rubs, cause she likes being rubbed.  Neither of these was what she wanted, cause she kept being loud with her meows, and walking in tiny circles trying endlessly to find a spot to get comfy at - usually we can curl up on the love-seat together without a problem. 

She was so cranky that I couldn’t take her vocal annoyance anymore, so I got up to let her be cranky by herself.  Within a minute of taking a seat on a chair in the Tony Bennett Room she looked like this…

Oddly enough, she was in no mood to share a loveseat that has plenty of room for the both of us.

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This weekend I looked out my back window and found an orange cat in the backyard.  I don’t think that it’s a stray, but it definitely lives in a home with careless owners who let this cat out every now and then, and those owners should be stoned or at the very least made aware of the widespread FIV population of the neighborhood stray cats.

In any case, upon first sight of this orange cat my first reaction was “Awww, a cute cat.”

And then the cat turned around and revealed that it was possessed by the devil…

Or at the very least from another planet.  Just look at the way it was looking up at the sky like that.  I bet it was easily looking several light years ago - and this was in the middle of the day with full sun! 

I’m not going to lie, yes, I cowered like a little girl, making ever so barely audible whimpers for a couple of minutes while in the fetal position behind a couch.

Thankfully when I gained enough courage (with the help of being on the phone with my mother) and I finally ventured back to the window to see what the devil-cat was up to. 

It had set it’s eyes on a neighbor two backyards down, and oh boy….I’m sorry for lacking the photos, but the horror.  The devil-cat attacked, and destroyed my neighbor, rendering him D.E.A.D. - DEAD!

When the devil-cat was done eating the spleen of my neighbor the it decided that it needed to go into the cave of darkness behind the patch of iris leaves. 

While I can’t prove it, I’m almost certain that the devil-cat got on some sort of intergalactic telephone system.

See, look how the devil-cat’s tail is sticking out like that….it HAS to have something to do with making intergalactic telephone calls, right?

Thankfully a tummy full of neighbor spleen tuckered the devil-cat out, he almost looks peaceful while sleeping here.

The only way that I was able to sleep in my bed on Saturday night was with three layers of plywood covering both of my bedroom windows, that and having my trusty shotgun underneath my bed.

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fyi…I’m beautifying myself this weekend.  Resting up, and getting ready to be the best me.

And as you know, it’s not easy becoming beautiful, I had this mask on for about 45 minutes, and I now I feel oh so soft and smooth.

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My cat always has out a bowl of dry food and a bowl of water for her happy little consuming, and then whenever I get home from work during the week I’ll give her about a third of a can of some wet food - which she loves. 

On weekends if I don’t give her the wet food by noon all hell will have broken loose.  It’s just easier to have a quiet, laid back, and sleeping cat, than one that is biting each and every non toxic leaf of the plants that I have at my place.

All this doesn’t add up to this photo…

It’s of the hungry cat.  No.  No.  No.  I actually had already fed her the wet food roughly two hours earlier prior to running back out to go to my doctor the other day.  It was just a quick change of clothes and feeding of her stop in, and when I returned it was as if she thought she could trick me into believing her that she had indeed not been fed yet. 

It didn’t work, and she was so believable, but full of lies…

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Spring is really getting into its rhythm nowadays, take a look at the first (and second) daffodil blooms I’ve had so far this spring.

I never noticed the white tips before until I took photos of them.  They’re flippin’ beautiful.  Total coolness!!!

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Every now and then I’ll switch up my work wardrobe and wear light colored slacks to the office instead of my usual black or charcoal, and yesterday was one of those days.

Whenever I happen to wear these light colored slacks I can’t help but find myself checking out my rear end in the mirror at work….

I’ll stand there drying my hands all the while peering over my shoulder to sexually harass myself with my eyes. 

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t do this checking out when someone else is around, I don’t want to be known as THAT guy - and yes, there used to be a THAT guy on a floor that I worked on.  He would stand in from of the mirror and be swatting himself across his crotch, as if he was trying to get a boner to become visible, and he wouldn’t even stop if someone else entered…creepy.

So yes, there’s my butt in all sorts of glory.  I was only able to snap off one shot before someone walked in causing all kinds of interruption to my lone way of entertaining myself at that moment.  No, I wasn’t caught, but I did rather quickly throw my phone into my pocket.   

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Yesterday I left work early to head off for a regular visit to my doctor.  Whenever I have to leave early for such a visit I always find myself oddly quiet, almost in mourning as if someone died, but nothing bad has happened, I’m just going for a check up.  It’s as if my mind is shutting down at just the possibility of finding out that I have some incurable disease. 

I’m sure that I’m fine, I mean the doctor said I appear to be fine and normal, but we did some bloodwork with the check up, and now I’m batshit worried. 

What if I actually am dying?!?!?!

I left the doctor’s office last night with that what if thought, and it had me slightly out of it, well, that and some missing blood - I love having blood drawn, it gets me high, seriously it does - which would explain how when I saw C-Dawg and Girlfriend chowwing down on my way home I probably gave them a deer in headlights look. 

Anyway, totally weird mindset to be in, and I’m not sure how normal it is to go to the doctor, be told I appear to be healthy and then worry that I have some debilitating and or life threatening disease after a good check up or not, but hey, everyone has their thing, and this happens to be mine.  At least I’m not afraid of clowns or statues.

So now I’ll have an entire weekend where I can worry and fret myself silly to the point of me almost sort of legitimately believing that I have an incurable disease that will take my life in a horrible death before the age of 30.

And to top things all off this happened…

With all my worrying of death I forgot to apply pressure to the spot where the blood was drawn and so I bled out a bit….I could have bled myself out on the way home, and this can only mean one thing….I am for sure dying… 

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Whenever I’m walking through the hallways at work after having just purchased a banana down at the deli I’m always on the prowl for danger.  It’s not that I’m a big tough guy who would really want to get in the middle of anything, it’s just that I would really love to one day happen upon to loan officers battling it out full on fighting all over the floor with one another so that I could use a banana as a tactical weapon to stop the violence.

I don’t know if the banana would smush out of the peel or not upon impact, but in any event I’d just love to see the reaction on the brawlers faces when they realize that they’ve just been banana-ed, and I’d love to be able to retell the story of how I brought peace by whipping a banana across the back of someones head. 

Hey, a boy can dream, right?

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I believe I was at the New York State Fair (but it could have been somewhere else) as a kid when I met a monkey, and in any event it is one of my fondest memories. 

The monkey was wearing overalls, I handed him a quarter, the monkey took it from me, placed it in his cup that was attached to his overalls and he then shook my hand.  It was so flippin’ cool!!!

So I hope you all understand that I not only had a smile on my face while watching this, but I was actually clapping and screaming very loud with joy the entire time. 

Monkey Riding Mini Bike

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I just got in from a visit to my doctor.  Good news, I’m not pregnant, I’m just bloated.

*

Now to celebrate, I’m eating pizza. 

Delicious! 

* The bloated tummy photo is something around six months old, and I was inexplicably bloated that night.

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Yes, I’m phrasing this question to women only, it’s not meant to be sexist, it’s just that I’ve never seen a man ever carry bags such a fashion - I’ve only seen women do it, and often enough where it stands out to memory. 

Why in the world do some women carry bags like this?

Is there something that you ladies all gather around in the gym locker room and discuss?  Do you know some secret trick that makes carrying bags in such a manner better than simply gripping the handles, cause I’ve never heard why it’s a good idea, and it’s not - it’s way more difficult to carry something with your arms like this, at least in my opinion.

Case in point, this morning as I walked to the subway there was a smokin’ hot raven haired young gal up ahead of me carrying her plastic grocery bags like this.  She had three bags in each bend of the elbow and appeared to be not enjoying herself while she walked in heels.*

*I would have taken a photo, but she was hot, and I didn’t want to come off as a photo perv, had she been less than attractive, a photo might have been appropriate.

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I think that I’ve mentioned before that there’s a gal who works in my area that is slightly off.  She is a “full figured” woman (cough obese) who has way out of the norm social skills.

She just doesn’t get that people don’t want to be talked at about her second job, how she’s trying to lose weight, or the fact that she eats KFC all the time (barf).  And yes, she just from these topics without missing a beat, and without allowing the person being spoken to to have a word in - there’s no conversing, just talking at. 

Now because I’m usually not someone that she corners to speak at, so I find this funny about her - I have a trick that goes something along the lines of taking a step away from her with every word that I say, and it works - occasionally I’ll be trapped in my cube and have been left trying hard to hide my laughter behind an empty cup of water.

Thankfully for my entertainment this gal really loves talking at my neighbor across the hall in her cube, and we’ve all decided that making phone calls to our neighbor is the best way to end the awkwardness, neighbor being quite greatful when the phone rings.

Anyway, yesterday socially awkward gal was talking up a storm about trying to find a new job (she’s getting the ax over here) and none of us are so mean that we’d end her pouring out her frustrations over the job market, so no phone call was deemed necessary, but once the topic changed over to food for a minute, and what she had for lunch there were fingers being snapped in code for “Help, Phone Call”.

Another cube neighbor is the usual caller since the way he’s positioned it’s less obvious, and I could see him frantically looking for the phone number while I frantically tried to take out my headphones to pretend that I’ve listening to music.

When I finally got them out of my overhead my desk looked like this…

And it all made a really loud noise, my cube neighbors all looked at me while socially awkward didn’t miss a beat about fried chicken.

More snaps were happening while I was in a life or death situation of trying to look busy before getting cornered into a one sided chitchat - my neighbor lost the extension number. 

I quickly emailed the number to him, he called, at the first ring socially awkward left the cube just as I finished putting in my headphones, she looked over at me, and took half a step into my cube before deciding that I looked too busy to talk. 

We were all saved…it was as if we were all in a speakeasy during prohibition, and we were being raided, but hide everything behind our backs…so close.

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I don’t know why I began this, but I started taking self portraits of my feet lately with my cell phone,  and I gotta say, I really like doing it.

Here are my feet on the N train…

And here they are in front of the couch in the Tony Bennett Room…

And here they are in the corner stall of the mens room. 

Flippin’ awesome!

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