Earlier in the day some coworkers and I were getting a two minute rest from work.  I was standing just outside my cube and in between their cubes.  We were joking around about heliports, and what we’d like to have a helicopter do had we been blessed with a ridiculous amount of money. 

“I’d like to have a helicopter fly my penthouse to another building.”  A coworker casually said, and with that I lost it. 

I laughed so genuinely hard that I temporarily lost control of myself, so much so that I up and unknowingly farted, really really loud.

Dead silence ensued as I turned around halfway before realizing that the noise was in fact from me having just farted.  I casually scuffed my left shoe against the floor as if that was the culprit, but it was too late, I turned to a coworker who said, “Uuuuuggggh” as he turned around to face away from me,  as I pointed and said, “hehe, yeah, I uhhhh, just…”

So yeah, I’m THAT guy today – the laugh so hard that you break really loud wind in a popping sound. 

The fart was so powerful that it has since been named The Big Popper.

I was recently thinking about the hypocrisy of politicians.  How they rail and crusade against something and then it turns out that they are in fact quietly very into and for whatever they had been crusading against publicly.

For instance, Idaho Senator Larry Craig had helped enact the awful and ridiculous “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” military policy, and had pushed for more severe punishment (when he was a member of the House) for Representative Barney Frank, who had involvement in a gay prostitution scandal.  As it turns out Mr. Craig enjoys some how you doin’ gay action himself. 

Spokane Mayor Jim West had championed an anti gay agenda but used his office to entice what he thought was a young man to his office, this on top of many other accusations of having inappropriate contact with underage boys.

Former Vice President and Senator Al Gore had championed lessening the impact that we as individuals have on our planet by way of consumption, and that we shouldn’t be causing such harm via how we live our lives.  As it turns out, Al Gore had been leaving a huge impact on our planet by using a ridiculous amount of nonrenewable electricity – in the form of 191,000 kilowatt hours of electricity in 2006.

So this brings me to Al & Tipper Gore’s campaign in the 1980s against the music industry, and how Tipper was “frightened” by watching some music videos that were aired on television at the time.  Anyway, the end result were those “Parental Advisory Warnings” ending up on CDs nowadays (yes, CDs still do exist). 

Now based off of our prior experience with politicians and their say one thing, and then go balls to the wall opposite of public words, what are Al & Tipper Gore’s nightstands full of? 

My guess is porn, and nasty hardcore porn at that.  Big hairy bush?   Possibly lots of poop?  Or maybe even Grannies?  Who knows, but I for one hope and pray that their porn collection is one day revealed and that they are proven to be loafers for having crusaded against the music industry so senselessly during the 1980s.

I was recently thinking about the hypocrisy of politicians.  How they rail and crusade against something and then it turns out that they are in fact quietly very into and for whatever they had been crusading against publicly.

For instance, Idaho Senator Larry Craig had helped enact the awful and ridiculous “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” military policy, and had pushed for more severe punishment (when he was a member of the House) for Representative Barney Frank, who had involvement in a gay prostitution scandal.  As it turns out Mr. Craig enjoys some how you doin’ gay action himself. 

Spokane Mayor Jim West had championed an anti gay agenda but used his office to entice what he thought was a young man to his office, this on top of many other accusations of having inappropriate contact with underage boys.

Former Vice President and Senator Al Gore had championed lessening the impact that we as individuals have on our planet by way of consumption, and that we shouldn’t be causing such harm via how we live our lives.  As it turns out, Al Gore had been leaving a huge impact on our planet by using a ridiculous amount of nonrenewable electricity – in the form of 191,000 kilowatt hours of electricity in 2006.

So this brings me to Al & Tipper Gore’s campaign in the 1980s against the music industry, and how Tipper was “frightened” by watching some music videos that were aired on television at the time.  Anyway, the end result were those “Parental Advisory Warnings” ending up on CDs nowadays (yes, CDs still do exist). 

Now based off of our prior experience with politicians and their say one thing, and then go balls to the wall opposite of public words, what are Al & Tipper Gore’s nightstands full of? 

My guess is porn, and nasty hardcore porn at that.  Big hairy bush?   Possibly lots of poop?  Or maybe even Grannies?  Who knows, but I for one hope and pray that their porn collection is one day revealed and that they are proven to be loafers for having crusaded against the music industry so senselessly during the 1980s.

Last night I was all too comfy and curled up on the love-seat in the Tony Bennett Room watching the real MLB Presidential Opener on ESPN.  Out of nowhere my cat came in and started being really cranky with me. 

At first I wrote it off to her wanting a second wet food dinner so I told her no second dinner for her (she always dry food out), I then tried to settle her down with rubs, cause she likes being rubbed.  Neither of these was what she wanted, cause she kept being loud with her meows, and walking in tiny circles trying endlessly to find a spot to get comfy at – usually we can curl up on the love-seat together without a problem. 

She was so cranky that I couldn’t take her vocal annoyance anymore, so I got up to let her be cranky by herself.  Within a minute of taking a seat on a chair in the Tony Bennett Room she looked like this…

Oddly enough, she was in no mood to share a loveseat that has plenty of room for the both of us.

This weekend I looked out my back window and found an orange cat in the backyard.  I don’t think that it’s a stray, but it definitely lives in a home with careless owners who let this cat out every now and then, and those owners should be stoned or at the very least made aware of the widespread FIV population of the neighborhood stray cats.

In any case, upon first sight of this orange cat my first reaction was “Awww, a cute cat.”

And then the cat turned around and revealed that it was possessed by the devil…

Or at the very least from another planet.  Just look at the way it was looking up at the sky like that.  I bet it was easily looking several light years ago – and this was in the middle of the day with full sun! 

I’m not going to lie, yes, I cowered like a little girl, making ever so barely audible whimpers for a couple of minutes while in the fetal position behind a couch.

Thankfully when I gained enough courage (with the help of being on the phone with my mother) and I finally ventured back to the window to see what the devil-cat was up to. 

It had set it’s eyes on a neighbor two backyards down, and oh boy….I’m sorry for lacking the photos, but the horror.  The devil-cat attacked, and destroyed my neighbor, rendering him D.E.A.D. – DEAD!

When the devil-cat was done eating the spleen of my neighbor the it decided that it needed to go into the cave of darkness behind the patch of iris leaves. 

While I can’t prove it, I’m almost certain that the devil-cat got on some sort of intergalactic telephone system.

See, look how the devil-cat’s tail is sticking out like that….it HAS to have something to do with making intergalactic telephone calls, right?

Thankfully a tummy full of neighbor spleen tuckered the devil-cat out, he almost looks peaceful while sleeping here.

The only way that I was able to sleep in my bed on Saturday night was with three layers of plywood covering both of my bedroom windows, that and having my trusty shotgun underneath my bed.