Whenever I’m walking through the hallways at work after having just purchased a banana down at the deli I’m always on the prowl for danger.  It’s not that I’m a big tough guy who would really want to get in the middle of anything, it’s just that I would really love to one day happen upon to loan officers battling it out full on fighting all over the floor with one another so that I could use a banana as a tactical weapon to stop the violence.

I don’t know if the banana would smush out of the peel or not upon impact, but in any event I’d just love to see the reaction on the brawlers faces when they realize that they’ve just been banana-ed, and I’d love to be able to retell the story of how I brought peace by whipping a banana across the back of someones head. 

Hey, a boy can dream, right?

I believe I was at the New York State Fair (but it could have been somewhere else) as a kid when I met a monkey, and in any event it is one of my fondest memories. 

The monkey was wearing overalls, I handed him a quarter, the monkey took it from me, placed it in his cup that was attached to his overalls and he then shook my hand.  It was so flippin’ cool!!!

So I hope you all understand that I not only had a smile on my face while watching this, but I was actually clapping and screaming very loud with joy the entire time. 

Monkey Riding Mini Bike

I just got in from a visit to my doctor.  Good news, I’m not pregnant, I’m just bloated.

*

Now to celebrate, I’m eating pizza. 

Delicious! 

* The bloated tummy photo is something around six months old, and I was inexplicably bloated that night.

Yes, I’m phrasing this question to women only, it’s not meant to be sexist, it’s just that I’ve never seen a man ever carry bags such a fashion - I’ve only seen women do it, and often enough where it stands out to memory. 

Why in the world do some women carry bags like this?

Is there something that you ladies all gather around in the gym locker room and discuss?  Do you know some secret trick that makes carrying bags in such a manner better than simply gripping the handles, cause I’ve never heard why it’s a good idea, and it’s not - it’s way more difficult to carry something with your arms like this, at least in my opinion.

Case in point, this morning as I walked to the subway there was a smokin’ hot raven haired young gal up ahead of me carrying her plastic grocery bags like this.  She had three bags in each bend of the elbow and appeared to be not enjoying herself while she walked in heels.*

*I would have taken a photo, but she was hot, and I didn’t want to come off as a photo perv, had she been less than attractive, a photo might have been appropriate.

I think that I’ve mentioned before that there’s a gal who works in my area that is slightly off.  She is a “full figured” woman (cough obese) who has way out of the norm social skills.

She just doesn’t get that people don’t want to be talked at about her second job, how she’s trying to lose weight, or the fact that she eats KFC all the time (barf).  And yes, she just from these topics without missing a beat, and without allowing the person being spoken to to have a word in – there’s no conversing, just talking at. 

Now because I’m usually not someone that she corners to speak at, so I find this funny about her – I have a trick that goes something along the lines of taking a step away from her with every word that I say, and it works – occasionally I’ll be trapped in my cube and have been left trying hard to hide my laughter behind an empty cup of water.

Thankfully for my entertainment this gal really loves talking at my neighbor across the hall in her cube, and we’ve all decided that making phone calls to our neighbor is the best way to end the awkwardness, neighbor being quite greatful when the phone rings.

Anyway, yesterday socially awkward gal was talking up a storm about trying to find a new job (she’s getting the ax over here) and none of us are so mean that we’d end her pouring out her frustrations over the job market, so no phone call was deemed necessary, but once the topic changed over to food for a minute, and what she had for lunch there were fingers being snapped in code for “Help, Phone Call”.

Another cube neighbor is the usual caller since the way he’s positioned it’s less obvious, and I could see him frantically looking for the phone number while I frantically tried to take out my headphones to pretend that I’ve listening to music.

When I finally got them out of my overhead my desk looked like this…

And it all made a really loud noise, my cube neighbors all looked at me while socially awkward didn’t miss a beat about fried chicken.

More snaps were happening while I was in a life or death situation of trying to look busy before getting cornered into a one sided chitchat – my neighbor lost the extension number. 

I quickly emailed the number to him, he called, at the first ring socially awkward left the cube just as I finished putting in my headphones, she looked over at me, and took half a step into my cube before deciding that I looked too busy to talk. 

We were all saved…it was as if we were all in a speakeasy during prohibition, and we were being raided, but hide everything behind our backs…so close.