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While I wasn’t able to watch David Blaine on Oprah, I was able to read this short article about him having broken the world record for holding your breath - and it’s been Guinness Certified!!!

Guinness, in case you don’t know, is THE book that is supposed to hold the truthful records and achievements of the freakish and foolish. 

Why on Earth would they grant David Blaine - the illusionist!!! - any record whatsoever???

Call me crazy, but did anyone over at Guinness ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, an illusionist might try to break a world record by fooling everyone into believing that they actually did something? 

From now on I’m going to be sticking to the online version of Weekly World News for all of my world record keeping. 

There’s an apparent serial killer on the loose in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn - either that, or a high concentration of suicidal people who choose really far out there obscure methods of suicide.

The first victim was John Rossi in January 2008.  Mr. Rossi was a local pharmacist who was an apparent business partner in Lowen’s Pharmacy with the guy who is/was a reputed associate of organized crime - the same man who was sentenced to nearly a year of prison for trying to extort Steven Segal.

Lowen’s was under investigation for being part of a nationwide scheme to manufacture and distribute steriods and HGH - based off of quantity sold, it was rumored to have been the world’s largest HGH factory.

A suicide note that read “please forgive me” was found after Mr. Rossi’s dead body was located.  “His” first shot missed altogether - yes, he held a gun to himself and missed!?!  “His” second shot hit himself in the chest.  “His” third shot was to his head. 

The second victim was Paul Mento, who was found dead inside of the Best Western Gregory Hotel in February 2008.

Mr. Mento was found in the bathtub of his hotel room with duct tape wrapped around his nose and mouth - no suicide note was found, and yet the medical examiner’s office ruled his death a suicide because the were no drugs and no defensive wounds to be found.

The third and latest victim to die was found dead on Friday afternoon at…guess where….the very same Best Western Gregory Hotel!!!

Authorities have yet to release this victim’s name, but they have said that she was found dead with a knife in her chest and that a suicide note was found. 

Okay, are we all on the same page here?  Three people found dead less than a mile away from one another…all killing themselves in very bizarre circumstances…? 

Something fishy to me here, and it sure as heck doesn’t all sound like suicide to me.

Get on the boat…yeeeaaaah!  The Banana Boat…

Everyone loves the Banana Boat!  Especially the Three Wise Men…

Even the Virgin Mother does…

As does baby Jesus…

It’s nothing but smooth sailing, especially with this rubber fingertip on it…

Oh boy.  I’m just going to stop here with this covered rubber covered banana tip…

Good news!!! I have won a lottery draw.  Here’s the email confirming my win!

From: lottery board (skidjim@bellnet.ca)
Sent: Tue 4/29/08 7:27 AM
Subject: winner
To: info@winner

Your email address has won 250,000 Pounds sterlings of national uk lottery draw 2008.

The selection was made randomly from the list of over 21,000 e-mail addresses on the internet.

contact Dr.Pinkett Griffin
Email: prinnket_microsoft@yahoo.com.hk

fill this form and send to him.

Your names…
Your address…
Your Sex….
Your country….

********************************

Obviously this is good news for me as it will help me offset the taxes that I owed less than two weeks ago.  Money, here I come. 

So this is what I’ve written to them back from a brand new email address that has never received or had an email sent from other than this one. 

From:  Albert_Jones_Faucet_King@yahoo.com (Albert Jones)
Sent: Tue 4/29/2008 3:36 PM
To: prinnket_microsoft@yahoo.com.hk
Subject: RE: winner

Good Afternoon Dr. Pinkett Griffin,

I hope this email finds you well, as I can assure you that I am completely happy and delighted to have received word of my UK Lottery winnings.  While I must say that 25,000 Pounds is merely a drop in the bucket, it’s still none the less good fortune for the lucky, such as I.  You see, I amassed a fortune in the faucet strainer boom post war due to the wonderful boom of suburbs rising around this fine country of mine.

Your initial email lacked the mentioned form, but I have taken the liberty of disclosing the information that was asked. 

Name: Albert Jones
Address: 303 E 51st Street, New York, NY 10022
Sex: Male
Country: United States of America

I certainly hope that our future correspondence and all of the paperwork for my collection of said 25,000 Pounds gets a second glance over before it gets sent out for my official signing and attention.  I am a very busy man and as such do not have the time nor the patience for documents not in full.

Also, due to my busy schedule involving a last minute trip to South Wales, I must have you deal with my personal assistant Franklin.  I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause and assure you that Franklin is most trusted and that he will be of most help in resolving this matter on my behalf since he holds my Power of Attorney. 

I look forward to the check!

Warmest Regards,
Albert Jones

By now I’m sure that most of you have heard about an Austrian man named Josef Friztl.  He’s the man that had held his daughter Elisabeth captive in his “family” home for 24 years.

Not only that, but he also raped her numerous times, fathering at least seven children with her. 

To sum up his life in one sentence. He’s a creepy, sick, douchebag who should be stoned.

I have two thoughts besides his obvious sum of life in one sentence.

First off, doesn’t Josef Fritzl appear as though he would have fit in perfectly somewhere in Hitler’s regime?  The man has Nuremberg written all over his face, and based off of the news, he sure seems to be into some really sick crap against fellow man which would have allowed him to fit right into the boys club of the Second Reich.

Secondly, he sounds as though he was laying the groundwork for he and his family to be the modern day version of Cleopatra’s family. 

Creepy!