Inappropriate Chat With Grandma

My grandmother has been back in the hospital for the last week or so (another 30 plus hours in the ER waiting for a “real”  room).

When I saw her on Saturday evening she told me WAY TOO MUCH INFO.  Like, for real you, might want to turn off your computer, walk away, and never come back to it again to save your mind from exploding.

Still reading out of curiosity?

Well, let me just say that I’ve warned you – I didn’t get any warning she just blurted it out.

Anyway, after wandering through the hospital for a solid 15 minutes trying to find her way out of the way (and quiet) room I walked in to find her alone in her double room, laying in bed, under the covers, with the television off and looking worried up at the ceiling.

See, she’s 88 years old and despite the fact that her mother lived to be 100 she doesn’t think that her years are going to be much more than three or four.  I assumed that she was thinking that this was the worst and possibly the end for her. 

I on the other hand have seen enough loved ones go through the death march by way of hospital and know when it’s getting towards the end – I don’t lie to myself about such things, and unless something comes out of left field I expect my grandmother to be around for a lot longer.

Back to point, I walked in and had the following conversation…

Eric the BeehiveHairdresser:  Hi Grandma!  What’s up?  How are you feeling?

Grandma:  Oooh, well.  I’m alright, but I’m having such trouble passing my stool.

It was right at this moment that I stopped speaking and the italicized words are what I thought and wanted to say but didn’t.

EBH:  I hope she doesn’t get light headed and pass out when it finally passes.

Grandma:  And you know, it’s because I have such a small rectum.

EBH:  What the f*ck?

Grandma:  It’s just too narrow and small to get the stool through.  It doesn’t fit!

EBH:  Seriously, she is NOT having this conversation with me…

Grandma:  And my hemorrhoid only hinders it more.

EBH:  Oh no she didn’t...

Grandma:  I didn’t have my dinner and I can’t eat anything because there’s no room for it to go.

EBH:  Please…stop…

Grandma:  If nothing comes out the bottom, nothing can go in the top…

EBH:  Is she legitimately trying to get me to laugh now?

Now my grandmother became angry.

Grandma:  I had asked for a suppository at 9:30 yesterday morning and I didn’t get one until past 6:00 at night!  I was full all day!

EBH:  She can’t have much more of this to say, can she?

Grandma:  And then when I put it in it was so hard to get and stay in because the hemorrhoid.  Then only water came out.

Thank God her doctor came in so she stopped this conversation of ours, although she then repeated it to him only with adding, “you know how I am”.

SHUDDER…