St. Peter, the most legendary doorman in all the universe has adopted an aggressive new three part door policy that leaves most out in the dark.
[Image via: Wiki]
Part I:No longer will you be allowed to pass his gates while wearing clothing from the following: Anne Klein, Armani, Banana Republic, Barney’s, Brooks Brothers, Brunello Cucinelli, Burberry, Calvin Klein, Chanel, DKNY, Dolce & Gabbana, Espirit, Fendi, French Connection, Gucci, J. Crew, Polo, Kenneth Cole, Michael Kors, Nautica, Pacific Sunwear, Perry Ellis, Prada, Saks, Van Heusen or Versace.
Part II: If you dare show up in Juicy Couture, you will find yourself on the express to Hell. At a press conference announcing the new policy St Peter specifically said, “How could anyone walk out of their home dressed head to toe in a velvet jumpsuit and honestly think that they look good?”
Part III: Absolutely no American Apparel, “We think it is best that those who wear leggings to burn in Hell. No further comment is necessary.” St. Peter said via the initial press release.
This new three part policy all comes on top of the old stand by of “No jeans, no sweatpants, no tanks/wifebeaters, no headgear and no sneakers of any kind.”
The first part of the new policy has the Mormons and Puritans feeling the sting most.
“Wearing something from the Gap is questionable enough, but I’d rather burn in hell than be caught in something from Old Navy.” Says, Abigail Clark, 22, a Puritan from Forkfield, CT.
Jacob Tanner, 32, a Mormon from the Eastville, UT was heard saying, “I guess I’ll have to go in a Bass sweater or something.” I hope that it’s not too hot or stuffy in Heaven.”
“I just don’t know what to do. I can’t control myself being so close to outlet centers and always having to need to look fashionable. This is Connecticut after all and we must look our best while quietly judging others.” Concord Turner, a 19 year old Puritan from Southport, CT.
Italians and those who strive to be Italians, namely the Irish, Greek, and much of the Mid-East will feel the burn from Part II. Covering oneself head to toe in a “velour” outfit is a right of passage and a way of life that just won’t change over night.
“Velour outfits aren’t velvet. I refuse to believe it. Velour should be allowed in Heaven.” Cried Meaghan O’Connor and her twin brother Sean, 28, both from Stallsburg, NJ. It was a cry that was echoed by many, including Anthony Vato, 53, of Long Island, NY ”Velour outfits just allow me to be me. I can’t imagine being comfy in Heaven without being covered in velour. I planned on wearing my brown velour outfit to Heaven. That’s the one that allows my gold chain to bling up off of my chest and really pops my orange skin. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go drive over to the tanning salon.”
Oddly enough Part III is being viewed as the part that won’t have much of an impact on who gets into Heaven. Most of the prospective entrants to Heaven who arrive in American Apparel don’t really want to get into Heaven. They prefer to linger around outside the gates and “be seen.” By who, we don’t know.
As for what is still in vogue and gains instant passage through the gates of Heaven, the toga.