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St. Peter, the most legendary doorman in all the universe has adopted an aggressive new three part door policy that leaves most out in the dark.

[Image via: Wiki]

Part I:No longer will you be allowed to pass his gates while wearing clothing from the following: Anne Klein, Armani, Banana Republic, Barney’s, Brooks Brothers, Brunello Cucinelli, Burberry, Calvin Klein, Chanel, DKNY, Dolce & Gabbana, Espirit, Fendi, French Connection, Gucci, J. Crew, Polo, Kenneth Cole, Michael Kors, Nautica, Pacific Sunwear, Perry Ellis, Prada, Saks, Van Heusen or Versace. 

Part II: If you dare show up in Juicy Couture, you will find yourself  on the express to Hell.  At a press conference announcing the new policy St Peter specifically said, “How could anyone walk out of their home dressed head to toe in a velvet jumpsuit and honestly think that they look good?”

Part III: Absolutely no American Apparel, “We think it is best that those who wear leggings to burn in Hell.  No further comment is necessary.”  St. Peter said via the initial press release.

This new three part policy all comes on top of the old stand by of “No jeans, no sweatpants, no tanks/wifebeaters, no headgear and no sneakers of any kind.”

The first part of the new policy has the Mormons and Puritans feeling the sting most.

“Wearing something from the Gap is questionable enough, but I’d rather burn in hell than be caught in something from Old Navy.”  Says, Abigail Clark, 22, a Puritan from Forkfield, CT. 

Jacob Tanner, 32, a Mormon from the Eastville, UT was heard saying, “I guess I’ll have to go in a Bass sweater or something.”  I hope that it’s not too hot or stuffy in Heaven.”

“I just don’t know what to do.  I can’t control myself being so close to outlet centers and always having to need to look fashionable.  This is Connecticut after all and we must look our best while quietly judging others.” Concord Turner, a 19 year old Puritan from Southport, CT.

Italians and those who strive to be Italians, namely the Irish, Greek, and much of the Mid-East will feel the burn from Part II.  Covering oneself head to toe in a “velour” outfit is a right of passage and a way of life that just won’t change over night. 

“Velour outfits aren’t velvet.  I refuse to believe it.  Velour should be allowed in Heaven.” Cried Meaghan O’Connor and her twin brother Sean, 28, both from Stallsburg, NJ.  It was a cry that was echoed by many, including Anthony Vato, 53, of Long Island, NY ”Velour outfits just allow me to be me.  I can’t imagine being comfy in Heaven without being covered in velour.  I planned on wearing my brown velour outfit to Heaven.  That’s the one that allows my gold chain to bling up off of my chest and really pops my orange skin.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go drive over to the tanning salon.” 

Oddly enough Part III is being viewed as the part that won’t have much of an impact on who gets into Heaven.  Most of the prospective entrants to Heaven who arrive in American Apparel don’t really want to get into Heaven.  They prefer to linger around outside the gates and “be seen.”  By who, we don’t know.    

As for what is still in vogue and gains instant passage through the gates of Heaven, the toga.

The ghost of Adolph Hitler has filed a lawsuit in New York City this week over claims that he is due millions of dollars in royalties and damages over the use of his image and voice throughout the years. 

[Image via: TopNews]

Hitler’s ghost hired Manhattan lawyer, Abe Steinway, who had this to say, “First, I’d like to address the elephant in the room; I get it.  I’m representing Adolph Hitler’s ghost and I get it.  My name is Steinway and I’m a lawyer who represents Hitler’s ghost.  I hope that were can all move past this little bit of irony and focus on the case at hand.  We have a serious case here and we feel that we have an abundant amount of evidence that will lead to a legal victory for us.”

Hitler, an avid television viewer almost always has his eyes glued to the History Channel and is said to have been keeping finely detailed records of each and every time his image and or voice has been used without his consent or payment on the History Channel.

The suit claims that over the past 15 years Hitler’s image and voice have been used in excess of 20-million times by the History Channel and that he is owed $866,923.53 in royalties.  The suit goes on further to seek $35-million in damages.  

“My client has not been able to rest peacefully.  He stays up late at night in a tears and paces around in circles that are so large that he walks through no less than eight walls while making his loop.  This is no way for a ghost to spend an eternity.” Steinway said.

A judge is expected to hear the case beginning on November 26th.

Dancing with the Stars competitor Aaron Carter released a statement early this morning to combat the bastardization of his first name stating, “It’s Aaron.  Not Erin.”

[Image via: 411Chatter]

For reasons that nobody can figure out, Carter is often referred to as ‘Erin’ Carter.  People aren’t calling him a girl, they just can’t say the name Aaron as if they were pronouncing Hank Aaron. 

The name mispronunciations run so deep that if an actual Erin is being referenced in the same conversation as Carter the two will be referenced as ‘Erin Boy’ or ‘Erin Girl’ so as to not make every one involved in the chat confused.

Confused yet?  We certainly are. 

Aaron is a simple name.  It has five letters and two syllables that flow off the tongue with ease.  Aaron.

Smith & Winschel, the makers of the highly anticipated H1N1 Swine Flu vaccine had all five winning numbers and the winning mega ball this past Friday, thus winning the Mega Millions jackpot of $200-million. 

While the people behind the company are in fact billionaires, they are also just regular folks similar to the old working stiff whose dream it is to hit the lottery. 

As such, they have decided to quit their jobs immediately, thereby folding the company and cutting off any hopes for a Swine Flu vaccine to be ready for widespread release this winter. 

When asked about what the public could expect with Smith & Winschel ceasing operations, Smith & Winschel had this to say, “Quite frankly we don’t really care about Swine Flu, the vaccine, who gets it, why they get it or if this whole Swine Flu thing causes worldwide chaos or a deadly pandemic that kills off half of the world’s population.  Didn’t you all hear the news?  We hit the big one.  We got all five numbers plus the mega ball and never have to work again!”

“It’s always been our lifeline dream to hit the lotto, quit whatever job we had at the time and spend our remaining years living the life of luxury and relaxation.  If you need us for further comment you’ll be able to find us relaxing at a Forever Bliss Spa in Sedona.  We’re millionaires now!”

That’s right folks, billionaires are so happy to win a couple of hundred million dollars that they forget that they’re already billionaires. 

Authorities in Colorado arrested the now infamous balloon that led a high speed chase across multiple states late last week and are expected to file charges in relation to the ‘balloon boy’ hoax that gripped America last week. 

[Image via: Gulf News]

Citizens from coast to coast were glued to their televisions waiting the balloon ride out with wonders and wages bet on whether or not a little boy named ‘Falcon’ would live or die from a wild balloon ride that was captured on live television and gave true journalists a much needed break from the 24/7 news cycle.

Authorities are expected to Richard Heene with regard to his role in the hoax and are looking into the true identity of ‘six year old Falcon.’  Falcon is believed to be master drug smuggler, 54 year old Miguel Liguemas from Bogota, Columbia –the man who is responsible for 93% of the cocaine supply that enters the United States.

[Image via: Gawker]

(Miguel ‘Falcon’ Liguemas in the middle) 

Mary Ramsey, a 42 year old housewife from Springfield, Florida had this to say about the situation, “I stayed glued to the television thinking that a little kid was going to fall out of the balloon on live TV.  I missed my appointment at the dialysis center because I didn’t want to miss the moment he fell.  My kids’ dinner was delayed for hours because I was watching and waiting along with the rest of America.”

When asked how she felt once little Falcon was found safe and sound she replied, “I felt empty inside.  I had hours of live, tragic, death built up inside of me and when it was all over all I was left with was nothing but a safe and unharmed little boy.  My first thoughts were that I’m angry as heck and that somebody should go to jail for this.

Mike Rosato, a reporter for a 24/7 news station based out of Silver Springs, ND had this to say, “These live feeds that grip America for hours on end are a true blessing for us in the business as it finally gives us all a couple of hours of downtime for sleep.  Us newscasters are usually up for the entire 24/7 news cycle and usually only need three to four hours of sleep once a week.  This really helped us out, but I don’t appreciate sleep gained off of a false news story.  Somebody should pay.”

Sherri Smith, a former model and self described gold-digger from Manhattan, NY had this to say, “I sure hope that they don’t officially make the connection between Falcon and Miguel Liguemas.  If there’s one thing I know in life it’s this; models love cocaine and rich men have the money to keep habits up.  I don’t think that my nose can take a dried up supply, even if it’s only for a day or two.”

The bench used by Aretha Franklin to prop herself up while playing piano for her 2009 tour has filed for workers compensation in the State of New York. 

Reports are that the bench wasn’t able to move following Franklin’s September 18^th performance at Radio City Music Hall.  Documents obtained through the State of New York and the Freedom of Information Act show that the bench was used and abused far more than it signed up for. 

[Image via: SheetMusic]

The bench had signed up to be sat on for three songs or roughly 15 minutes out of Franklin’s two and a half our set; however, on the night of September 18^th Franklin sat on the bench for three songs plus an obscure piano solo that ran in excess of an additional 15 minutes.

Afterwards, the piano bench was reportedly in a state of shock and extreme dehydration despite a large round ring of sweat being left behind on its top.  Its legs were so frail and weakened by the extreme length of time that Franklin was sitting on it that a crew of three unionized stage workers had to remove the piano bench to the safety of the backstage ‘to get some fresh air.’  

One of the more interesting details of this case is in the contract. 

The contract that the piano bench signed to be part of the show states that Franklin weighs roughly 112lbs soaking wet.  112lbs is a weight that the piano bench has stated that this is an extreme and gross understatement and misrepresentation by roughly three to four hundred pounds when dry.

When asked for comment, the piano bench said, “I haven’t been able to put in a day of work ever since.  I thought Ms. Franklin was an extremely wonderful and kind lady up until that fateful night.  I don’t know what was going through her mind when she took such an unplanned and extremely long piano solo without having asked me if I could hold up first.”

“During the first few weeks following the incident I took blame for my injury because I should have known that the contract was wrong when it stated that she was ‘112lbs soaking wet’.  The woman is a beast the size of a water buffalo.  Heck, my brother’s adoptive little three year old desk weighs 40lbs. and it is nowhere near as large as Ms. Franklin is.”

The piano bench went on further to state that “I’m not trying to be a bad man here.  I’m nothing more than a working piano bench.  I have a coffee table, an ottoman and a set of chairs at home that all depend on the money I earn to support them.  They haven’t been able to be polished properly.  I haven’t been able to pay my bills and I fear that we’re all going to end up on the streets like we’re a bunch of deadbeats and unwanted furniture.  Or worse yet seized by our landlord and sold off to become props in an NBC sitcom.”

I’d like to expand my writing career into distant lands and one day maybe write in some capacity for the Onion.  Given this, I’m going to post three stories today that I feel run along the lines of the Onion’s fake news network. 

btw, these three were written yesterday while sitting in the doctors office for a flu vaccine - W00T!