St. Peter, the most legendary doorman in all the universe has adopted an aggressive new three part door policy that leaves most out in the dark.

[Image via: Wiki]

Part I:No longer will you be allowed to pass his gates while wearing clothing from the following: Anne Klein, Armani, Banana Republic, Barney’s, Brooks Brothers, Brunello Cucinelli, Burberry, Calvin Klein, Chanel, DKNY, Dolce & Gabbana, Espirit, Fendi, French Connection, Gucci, J. Crew, Polo, Kenneth Cole, Michael Kors, Nautica, Pacific Sunwear, Perry Ellis, Prada, Saks, Van Heusen or Versace. 

Part II: If you dare show up in Juicy Couture, you will find yourself  on the express to Hell.  At a press conference announcing the new policy St Peter specifically said, “How could anyone walk out of their home dressed head to toe in a velvet jumpsuit and honestly think that they look good?”

Part III: Absolutely no American Apparel, “We think it is best that those who wear leggings to burn in Hell.  No further comment is necessary.”  St. Peter said via the initial press release.

This new three part policy all comes on top of the old stand by of “No jeans, no sweatpants, no tanks/wifebeaters, no headgear and no sneakers of any kind.”

The first part of the new policy has the Mormons and Puritans feeling the sting most.

“Wearing something from the Gap is questionable enough, but I’d rather burn in hell than be caught in something from Old Navy.”  Says, Abigail Clark, 22, a Puritan from Forkfield, CT. 

Jacob Tanner, 32, a Mormon from the Eastville, UT was heard saying, “I guess I’ll have to go in a Bass sweater or something.”  I hope that it’s not too hot or stuffy in Heaven.”

“I just don’t know what to do.  I can’t control myself being so close to outlet centers and always having to need to look fashionable.  This is Connecticut after all and we must look our best while quietly judging others.” Concord Turner, a 19 year old Puritan from Southport, CT.

Italians and those who strive to be Italians, namely the Irish, Greek, and much of the Mid-East will feel the burn from Part II.  Covering oneself head to toe in a “velour” outfit is a right of passage and a way of life that just won’t change over night. 

“Velour outfits aren’t velvet.  I refuse to believe it.  Velour should be allowed in Heaven.” Cried Meaghan O’Connor and her twin brother Sean, 28, both from Stallsburg, NJ.  It was a cry that was echoed by many, including Anthony Vato, 53, of Long Island, NY ”Velour outfits just allow me to be me.  I can’t imagine being comfy in Heaven without being covered in velour.  I planned on wearing my brown velour outfit to Heaven.  That’s the one that allows my gold chain to bling up off of my chest and really pops my orange skin.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go drive over to the tanning salon.” 

Oddly enough Part III is being viewed as the part that won’t have much of an impact on who gets into Heaven.  Most of the prospective entrants to Heaven who arrive in American Apparel don’t really want to get into Heaven.  They prefer to linger around outside the gates and “be seen.”  By who, we don’t know.    

As for what is still in vogue and gains instant passage through the gates of Heaven, the toga.

The ghost of Adolph Hitler has filed a lawsuit in New York City this week over claims that he is due millions of dollars in royalties and damages over the use of his image and voice throughout the years. 

[Image via: TopNews]

Hitler’s ghost hired Manhattan lawyer, Abe Steinway, who had this to say, “First, I’d like to address the elephant in the room; I get it.  I’m representing Adolph Hitler’s ghost and I get it.  My name is Steinway and I’m a lawyer who represents Hitler’s ghost.  I hope that were can all move past this little bit of irony and focus on the case at hand.  We have a serious case here and we feel that we have an abundant amount of evidence that will lead to a legal victory for us.”

Hitler, an avid television viewer almost always has his eyes glued to the History Channel and is said to have been keeping finely detailed records of each and every time his image and or voice has been used without his consent or payment on the History Channel.

The suit claims that over the past 15 years Hitler’s image and voice have been used in excess of 20-million times by the History Channel and that he is owed $866,923.53 in royalties.  The suit goes on further to seek $35-million in damages.  

“My client has not been able to rest peacefully.  He stays up late at night in a tears and paces around in circles that are so large that he walks through no less than eight walls while making his loop.  This is no way for a ghost to spend an eternity.” Steinway said.

A judge is expected to hear the case beginning on November 26th.

Dancing with the Stars competitor Aaron Carter released a statement early this morning to combat the bastardization of his first name stating, “It’s Aaron.  Not Erin.”

[Image via: 411Chatter]

For reasons that nobody can figure out, Carter is often referred to as ‘Erin’ Carter.  People aren’t calling him a girl, they just can’t say the name Aaron as if they were pronouncing Hank Aaron. 

The name mispronunciations run so deep that if an actual Erin is being referenced in the same conversation as Carter the two will be referenced as ‘Erin Boy’ or ‘Erin Girl’ so as to not make every one involved in the chat confused.

Confused yet?  We certainly are. 

Aaron is a simple name.  It has five letters and two syllables that flow off the tongue with ease.  Aaron.