Authorities in Colorado arrested the now infamous balloon that led a high speed chase across multiple states late last week and are expected to file charges in relation to the ‘balloon boy’ hoax that gripped America last week. 

[Image via: Gulf News]

Citizens from coast to coast were glued to their televisions waiting the balloon ride out with wonders and wages bet on whether or not a little boy named ‘Falcon’ would live or die from a wild balloon ride that was captured on live television and gave true journalists a much needed break from the 24/7 news cycle.

Authorities are expected to Richard Heene with regard to his role in the hoax and are looking into the true identity of ‘six year old Falcon.’  Falcon is believed to be master drug smuggler, 54 year old Miguel Liguemas from Bogota, Columbia –the man who is responsible for 93% of the cocaine supply that enters the United States.

[Image via: Gawker]

(Miguel ‘Falcon’ Liguemas in the middle) 

Mary Ramsey, a 42 year old housewife from Springfield, Florida had this to say about the situation, “I stayed glued to the television thinking that a little kid was going to fall out of the balloon on live TV.  I missed my appointment at the dialysis center because I didn’t want to miss the moment he fell.  My kids’ dinner was delayed for hours because I was watching and waiting along with the rest of America.”

When asked how she felt once little Falcon was found safe and sound she replied, “I felt empty inside.  I had hours of live, tragic, death built up inside of me and when it was all over all I was left with was nothing but a safe and unharmed little boy.  My first thoughts were that I’m angry as heck and that somebody should go to jail for this.

Mike Rosato, a reporter for a 24/7 news station based out of Silver Springs, ND had this to say, “These live feeds that grip America for hours on end are a true blessing for us in the business as it finally gives us all a couple of hours of downtime for sleep.  Us newscasters are usually up for the entire 24/7 news cycle and usually only need three to four hours of sleep once a week.  This really helped us out, but I don’t appreciate sleep gained off of a false news story.  Somebody should pay.”

Sherri Smith, a former model and self described gold-digger from Manhattan, NY had this to say, “I sure hope that they don’t officially make the connection between Falcon and Miguel Liguemas.  If there’s one thing I know in life it’s this; models love cocaine and rich men have the money to keep habits up.  I don’t think that my nose can take a dried up supply, even if it’s only for a day or two.”

The bench used by Aretha Franklin to prop herself up while playing piano for her 2009 tour has filed for workers compensation in the State of New York. 

Reports are that the bench wasn’t able to move following Franklin’s September 18^th performance at Radio City Music Hall.  Documents obtained through the State of New York and the Freedom of Information Act show that the bench was used and abused far more than it signed up for. 

[Image via: SheetMusic]

The bench had signed up to be sat on for three songs or roughly 15 minutes out of Franklin’s two and a half our set; however, on the night of September 18^th Franklin sat on the bench for three songs plus an obscure piano solo that ran in excess of an additional 15 minutes.

Afterwards, the piano bench was reportedly in a state of shock and extreme dehydration despite a large round ring of sweat being left behind on its top.  Its legs were so frail and weakened by the extreme length of time that Franklin was sitting on it that a crew of three unionized stage workers had to remove the piano bench to the safety of the backstage ‘to get some fresh air.’  

One of the more interesting details of this case is in the contract. 

The contract that the piano bench signed to be part of the show states that Franklin weighs roughly 112lbs soaking wet.  112lbs is a weight that the piano bench has stated that this is an extreme and gross understatement and misrepresentation by roughly three to four hundred pounds when dry.

When asked for comment, the piano bench said, “I haven’t been able to put in a day of work ever since.  I thought Ms. Franklin was an extremely wonderful and kind lady up until that fateful night.  I don’t know what was going through her mind when she took such an unplanned and extremely long piano solo without having asked me if I could hold up first.”

“During the first few weeks following the incident I took blame for my injury because I should have known that the contract was wrong when it stated that she was ‘112lbs soaking wet’.  The woman is a beast the size of a water buffalo.  Heck, my brother’s adoptive little three year old desk weighs 40lbs. and it is nowhere near as large as Ms. Franklin is.”

The piano bench went on further to state that “I’m not trying to be a bad man here.  I’m nothing more than a working piano bench.  I have a coffee table, an ottoman and a set of chairs at home that all depend on the money I earn to support them.  They haven’t been able to be polished properly.  I haven’t been able to pay my bills and I fear that we’re all going to end up on the streets like we’re a bunch of deadbeats and unwanted furniture.  Or worse yet seized by our landlord and sold off to become props in an NBC sitcom.”

I’d like to expand my writing career into distant lands and one day maybe write in some capacity for the Onion.  Given this, I’m going to post three stories today that I feel run along the lines of the Onion’s fake news network. 

btw, these three were written yesterday while sitting in the doctors office for a flu vaccine - W00T!