Telemarketing is often thought of as calling someone up with the intent to sell them something.  To me telemarketing is calling someone up out of the blue and soliciting them in one form or another – whether or not something is being sold is not the issue – calling for unwanted or unrequested business purposes is telemarketing.

I do not enjoy getting such calls so I placed myself on the National Do Not Call List. 

Yesterday afternoon someone claiming to be from the Centers for Disease Control called my landline and immediately started reading off her text of marketing questions babble.

When she finished her first question of wanting to know how many children under the age of three where in my household I informed her that I was on the DNC list and asked why she was calling.

“I’m not a telemarketer, so the Do Not Call List rules do not apply.”

“You’re doing market research by way of an unsolicited and unwanted phone call.  That’s telemarketing.”

“Actually it’s…”

I cut her off with, “Now that’s just semantics.  What you’re doing is telemarketing.”

CLICK

It appears as though the courts and Verizon finally got rid of those annoying telescammers who would robot call everyone with “2nd notice to renew you car warranty.” 

I say this because the new scam going is robots calling people saying, “2nd chance to lower your credit card rate.”

The call came in from 904-863-0214 and the robot now has a name, Jessica.

Naturally I pressed one “to lower my rate” and proceeded to run to the bathroom.

When the scammer came on I immediately flushed the toilet while saying…

“Errrrrraaaaaaahhhhhh!  That sh!t sounds good, doesn’t it?”

(CLICK)

I’ve been missing a lot of phone calls from Telescammers lately, and so I was very happy to finally pick one up in time.

The call came in from 603-214-3656 and was the usual “This is your 2nd notice that your factory warranty is about to expire….”

I decided to speak with a lisp and see how long the call would last.

Telescammer:  Make and model of your vehicle?

BeehiveHairdresser:  ’06 Prius.

TS:  How many miles are on it?

BH:  About 30,000.

TS: Are you looking to extend your warranty?

BH:  Sure am and by the way, you have a sexy voice.

*Click*

So yeah…not only do telescammers hate Mexicans, they also hate people with speech impediments!

After several weeks of telescammer silence I thought that the company behind them was finally busted for the scam, then at around 10AM this morning I received the standard phone call of “Your vehicle warranty is about to expire…it’s not too late…this is your last chance…etc” taped recording asking me to press one to speak to a rep.

Naturally, I pressed one and was almost instantly greeted by a dude working for the scam, and we had the following chat…mind you, I was speaking in my best over the top Axl Rose sort of voice.

BeehiveHairdresser: Hi, I’m calling about the scam…

Telescammer: I’m sorry, what?

BH: I’m calling about the vehicle scam…

By this time I had my toilet bowl open, flushed with the phone facing it for maximum toilet sound effects and said…

BH: Stop being scam artists!  Get a real job motherf*ckaaaaa…

(CLICK)

I just got off of a telescamming call that came in from 978-409-5210, and it was by far the best experience I’ve ever had with a telescammer.

It was the original “This is your second notice about the factory warranty expiring from your vehicle” bullcrap, so naturally I pressed one to speak with a representative.

Hi!  This is Glenn are you interested in renewing your warranty?

I’m sorry I didn’t get your name.

Oh It’s Glenn.

Glenn, I’m very interested in renewing my warranty.

Okay great, let me just ask you a couple of questions.

Sure, but let me ask you a couple of questions first.

Alright.

What are you wearing?

Uhhhh…I’m not like that.

Not like what?  Just tell me, what are you wearing.

Uhhh no.  I don’t do that.

Don’t do what?

Wear.

You don’t wear?

No.

Why don’t you wear?  You should totally wear things.

Uhhhh (chuckle chuckle) I don’t do those sorts of things.

Really?  I don’t see why not.  I mean I wear things. 

Okay sir.

You probably wear things, don’t you?

Yeah, clothes.

Oh my!  Clothes!  See, was that so hard?  So tell me, what exactly are you wearing?

I really should ask you my questions.

Sure.  Just one more thing, whereabouts are you?  Huh?

Southern California.

Southern California?  If you don’t mind me asking, you sound like you have a Midwestern or Southern accent.  Are you from somewhere else originally?

Yeah Georgia.

What did you think I was asking before?

Uhhh…you know things about things that I’m not into.  (Men)

Oh sugar, you are too sweet, what is your question?

What year is your car?

It’s a 1994.  Hey, where in Southern California are you?

L.A. and I’m sorry sir, but this promotion is only for cars 1995 and newer.  You don’t qualify.

Oh come on Glenn.  Can’t you be a sweetheart and make an exception?

No, I’m sorry.

Okay then.  Just one last thing, what neighborhood are you in L.A.?

Eastern.

Oooh!  Do you have a great view?

Uhhh…(chuckle chuckle) not really.

Why?

Well, there are a lot of Mexicans around here.

Mexicans?  Really?

Yes sir, I really must go answer the phone.  I have other customers calling.

[Click]

So there we have it.  The telescammers are in East L.A., homophobes and anti-Mexican bigots – they’re a regular old xenophobic funhouse!