We discovered that London has so many humps, they needed to post signs regarding them and their distance…
London, the town of lovely lady humps…
The Art Of One Night Stand Dating
There’s definitely an art to dating when it comes to having of goal of a one night stand. First, one should have low self-esteem about themselves, and secondly, one shouldn’t expect much in a partner — other than a partner will be as willingly a sad person as the seeker, and will perhaps have a loopy eye, or an ear that pops out at a 90 degree angle, you know, something odd physically so that you can laugh a sad laugh about the experience once it’s over.
We bring this up because we keep coming across these fliers on the NYC subway system from a person who has both creepy handwriting and the desire for a one night stand.
Our favorite date idea of the poster is “a cigarette meet.” Mysterious advertiser of one night stands, if you’re reading this, we recommend that you try the old “let’s meet in Sketchers in Times Square and then go back to my place” date. We hear that it works every time. Or, if you’re feeling extra lucky, try the old, “let’s listen to an emergency scanner and meet up at the scene of a horrific and deadly accident” because nothing says lust like the sight of a man in uniform.
Lamb Slayer Sought In Bay Ridge
Last week, two statues of praying children were overturned on the grounds of a Catholic girls school here in Bay Ridge. Another statue, that of a lamb, was beheaded. Due to this having happened during the Lenten season, some speculate that it was a hate crime against Catholics, other have speculated that it was a bunch of kids, but since it occurred on a Wednesday night/Thursday morning, and a bottle of Guinness was found at the scene, we suspect that it was simply a middle-aged drunk with pent-up rage (there are many of those types here in Bay Ridge) behind it all.
In any event, it is a simple crime of vandalism against inanimate concrete objects that have never and will never have life — with a slight chance of it being a hate crime due to it being the Lenten season and some locals having wild imaginations. It definitely was NOT a violent crime, yet when we passed the scene of the crime yesterday afternoon, we spotted many of these posters.
“You don’t have to reveal your identity to help solve a violent crime.” reads the poster. We surmise that all of their “If you saw some drunk fool knock some statues over and behead an inanimate object.” were out of stock.
Anyway, if you know of anything relating to the crime, please call it in: 800-577-TIPS.
Manhattan Mini Storage Ad Copy
Whenever we see billboards for Manhattan Mini Storage, part of us wishes that we were paid to write ad copy for them.
Here is some copy we’d pitch:
“We’ll hide the fact that you’re a hoarder.”
“Pink plastic flamingos don’t fly south for the winter.”
“Because your favorite possessions deserve to be locked up where nobody can enjoy them.”
“Sometimes you just want to live without your couch crowding your living room.”
“We have enough room for all of your untaxed Indian cigarettes.”
“Store with us, because organizing life within your own home is too hard.”
“Face it, you still need all of your Nintendo and its games even though your Nintendo hasn’t worked in 20 years.”
Park Slope Is For Commies
Yesterday, as we passed the Park Slope Food Coop, we noticed that their sign is all of a sudden misspelled. It now states that it is the “Park Slope Eood Coop.”
There’s a lesson in this, and the lesson is that communism is never the answer…amiright?